Thursday, May 26, 2011

Heavens above! sex without love...

One virtual silver dollar for whomever gets the title reference.  Also, a caveat.  This is a really bipolar post.  I feel like I need to qualify it a little by saying that I still want to someday be attracted to and marry a woman, even though right now my desires bely that "someday."

Today I had another chat with my sister on the phone.  We talked a lot about a lot of things, like the proper way to choose a ripe avocado, the crazy-ass mindscrew that is Lady Gaga (I still love 'er), and the personal hells that are my Spanish class and her up-and-coming move to another part of the country.  We talked about her kids, my nieces and nephew, and what they were doing with their truncated summer before they move.  We made some plans to caravan home together when she drives back to our home state from a place she'll be visiting that's pretty close to where I live now.  (Writing a blog without personal details is wordy.  Also, I wish I could tell you where our home state is, because it's just about the happiest place in the world.)

But, of course, it wouldn't be a conversation with my sister without a visit to Gaytown, USA, population: me (my real home state, haha).  My sister is a rock when it comes to any struggle I face, whether it be school, girls, boys, roommates, just about anything, so of course I told her about how I unintentionally outed myself.  I thought that she read my blog so I figured she already knew, but apparently I never gave her the link, so she had no idea it existed.  I told her the whole story and we talked a little bit about it.  And like a big sister, she was super supportive and very excited for my newly-deepened friendship.

And I told her about mine and Toby's kiss a few weeks ago.  I hadn't told her before today, but not for any reason other than not really wanting to talk about it. But I felt like if she was going to read my blog, she should hear the bigger news from me first.  And I told her about the picture message he sent later that weekend and some of the awful, incredibly offensive things he said to me later that night, and like a big sister, she was up in arms, haha.  She was so mad, way angrier than I was in the moment.  That solidarity is why I tell my sister these things.

Anyway, after story time we had a pretty frank discussion about sex, since that was the crux of my relationship with Toby according to him.  She told me how she felt about sex, including the damage and the repair that it can be for a relationship.  I've already discussed my feelings on the matter of sex without love, but we talked for a good long time about it anyway.  I appreciated her advice, which was to never use sex as something that will get you where you want to be in a relationship.  I'm paraphrasing, but she said that sex is not a vehicle or a means to an end; it should be a culmination, an "end" to a relationship.  It should be the capstone that completes an already-developed relationship, whether that relationship is straight or gay.

The reason we talked about it is because she was asking what it was about such an obviously predatory individual like Toby that attracted me.  I told her that when he's on, he's really on.  He is a very attractive person from a physical standpoint, but he also has the potential to be very sensitive and real.  The 25% of the time that he's charming and sweet and kind sometimes makes up for the 75% that he's a real jerk, at least in my enamored mind.  Her warning to me (that I already understand, but appreciate hearing again anyway) was that giving someone sex will never get you that 75%.  For a emotional person like me, sex should only be shared with a person who already makes you feel 100%, 100% of the time.  I love that sentiment so much.

I'd imagine from my virgin mind that sex can be so romantic if it's done right.  It can be awkward, dirty, kinky, rough, and whatever else, but I feel like if the right motivation is behind it, it's still ultimately an expression of romance rather than desire.  And now I wait for that aforementioned "someday" to happen.

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