Showing posts with label Shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shame. Show all posts
Monday, November 5, 2012
CTW SLC Part II- First Impressions
Read Part I here
[This part of the story is most difficult for me to post. It airs out a lot of very ugly emotions I had in the first ten or fifteen minutes of my attendance at Circling the Wagons 2012. I want the reader to understand that I am as disgusted with myself as you will be, and I insist that you read the other parts of the story after you finish this one to ensure that I am not painting CTW in a light I do not intend and to hopefully offer me some redemption.]
I have to admit, I was disappointed initially. One of the cornerstones of CTW’s existence is unconditional love to LGBTQ Mormons; this is not new to me. North Star, Evergreen International, Affirmation, and any number of other gay Mormon support groups advocate the same thing. However, unlike more conservative groups like North Star or Evergreen, the focus is placed less on finding joy in full fellowship in the LDS church and more on finding authenticity and joy in whatever life path feels correct, including those which do not include activity or membership within the LDS church. I have nothing but respect for those who take that approach to seeking reconciliation.
However, as a gay guy who sometimes feels like he is barely holding on to the church’s standards, I have found that the more I associate with those who have left the church or who are choosing to live a life contrary to its standards, the more difficult it is for me to want to be in the Gospel.
I found myself judging those around me and contemplated leaving for fear of being indoctrinated into leaving the church and getting married in California, New York, Iowa or one of the other great states that recognize gay marriage. I was nervous to be there and I felt like my faith would be attacked, like I would be asked, right then and there, to choose between gay and God, and I worried about the pressure I'd feel from Adam and Steve over here.
I steadied my nerves and prayed that God would help me see through the heathen words of those around me and understand some of the underlying truths that had to be in there somewhere. After all, this was a conference for gay Mormons. Surely, they'd acknowledge the second part of that descriptor, right? Surely it wasn't all about convincing your parents to march with you in the Pride parade and only about crafting the perfect letter to urge President Monson to allow gays to marry in the temple. Right?
More to come...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Which lobster are you? Danielle Mansfield posts at Northern Lights
Danielle Mansfield offers a powerful metaphor in her post over at Northern Lights. I highly recommend reading the whole thing, as I am incapable of rendering the nuance and loveliness with which she tackles a very depressing concept.
In her essay, she addresses issues of shame, agency and compassion. The stinger for me was this metaphor she gives about cooking a lobster. Apparently, if you only cook one lobster at a time, as soon as the water starts warming up, the lobster will claw his way out of the pot. If, however, you cook two lobsters in the same pot, one lobster will try to climb out and the other lobster will pull him back down into the water until both are killed. The implications here are obvious.
Are you the lobster who tries to climb out but feels constantly pulled back into your old ways? Are you the lobster who, perhaps out of jealousy or narrow-mindedness, prevents people from climbing into a new life, insisting that the pot is the place to be? I sometimes feel like the former, but too frequently feel like the latter.
Danielle addresses a number of other compelling issues in her post. Spare five minutes of your day and have a look at it.
In her essay, she addresses issues of shame, agency and compassion. The stinger for me was this metaphor she gives about cooking a lobster. Apparently, if you only cook one lobster at a time, as soon as the water starts warming up, the lobster will claw his way out of the pot. If, however, you cook two lobsters in the same pot, one lobster will try to climb out and the other lobster will pull him back down into the water until both are killed. The implications here are obvious.
Are you the lobster who tries to climb out but feels constantly pulled back into your old ways? Are you the lobster who, perhaps out of jealousy or narrow-mindedness, prevents people from climbing into a new life, insisting that the pot is the place to be? I sometimes feel like the former, but too frequently feel like the latter.
Danielle addresses a number of other compelling issues in her post. Spare five minutes of your day and have a look at it.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Cure the Craving
Cure the Craving is my next step.
Admittedly, I've had a relapse or two since my last desperate blog post about wanting to quit pornography, but following a very compassionate blog post by a friend of mine (I'll refrain from linking to it, that never really works out well for me ;) and a brave blog post by Bravone, I've found a second wind in my fight to eradicate porn and shame from my life.
The gist of my friend's post is that porn shouldn't be a taboo. It's a sin and it's a real problem in our world, but it's something that is made all the more damaging when it becomes too embarrassing to talk about. He links to a program called Fight the New Drug, an educational resource on the causes of pornography consumption and its effects. His post was compassionate; it sounded like it came from a young man who had no experience with pornography addiction and yet wanted to be a support to those who have. Very impressed by that.
Bravone's post linked to Cure the Craving, a program that was started by a recovered pornography addict named Tony. He is an LDS life coach and success mentor, developed the program, which takes place over nine months and is free of charge, to help people understand, compartmentalize, and cope with their cravings for pornography, sexual deviance, and masturbation.
I signed up for the program and got started with the introductory video, in which Tony explains that pornography consumption is motivated by triggers found in the body, mind, and spirit and as a reaction to stress. His approach takes a cold, clinical tack, identifying how excessive sugar consumption, caffeine addiction (is it getting hot in here or is that the Coke Zero bubbling in my stomach?), poor nutrition, and a lack of exercise lead the body to chemically require stimulation from porn. The next step shows how emotional distress, boredom, horniness (an emotion, not a physical state), loneliness, and anger cause the same reaction in our brains. Additionally, the spirit (in his non-denominational definition, the place from which we view the world) needs time and a way to cope with those temptations. Finally, effective stress management ties everything together by providing practical solutions to these physiological problems.
In addition to this real-world approach to solving the problem of pornography (something my male brain requires), Tony litters his initial video with humor and a sense of hope as he conveys his struggle with pornography. He breaks down his shame cycle in a way I'm very intimately aware of and makes me feel like I can do it. The biggest thing that shone through was that it doesn't matter how long it's been since your last exposure to pornography. All that matters is today. One day of making good choices is one day further away from porn, and everyone needs that one more day, whether it's been two hours or two years since your last relapse.
It kinda sucks because he's pretty handsome (and heaven knows how I like my men handsome and faithful), but in addition to the video courses, there are two weekly phone calls, one monthly question and answer session, and a 24/7 in-the-moment emergency line to call when confronted with the temptation. Very hopeful tools in the hands of this desperate sufferer.
So, dear reader, check out those programs if you so desire. Even if you don't struggle, maybe you'll find something you can use to solve your own problems, or maybe it'll help you help a friend. And also, if you feel so inclined, I'd appreciate the occasional check-up. Even if I've never spoken to you, e-mail me and ask me how I'm doing. It'll remind me to be more accountable.
And as always, I'm here for you too. Let's succeed together. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com
Admittedly, I've had a relapse or two since my last desperate blog post about wanting to quit pornography, but following a very compassionate blog post by a friend of mine (I'll refrain from linking to it, that never really works out well for me ;) and a brave blog post by Bravone, I've found a second wind in my fight to eradicate porn and shame from my life.
The gist of my friend's post is that porn shouldn't be a taboo. It's a sin and it's a real problem in our world, but it's something that is made all the more damaging when it becomes too embarrassing to talk about. He links to a program called Fight the New Drug, an educational resource on the causes of pornography consumption and its effects. His post was compassionate; it sounded like it came from a young man who had no experience with pornography addiction and yet wanted to be a support to those who have. Very impressed by that.
Bravone's post linked to Cure the Craving, a program that was started by a recovered pornography addict named Tony. He is an LDS life coach and success mentor, developed the program, which takes place over nine months and is free of charge, to help people understand, compartmentalize, and cope with their cravings for pornography, sexual deviance, and masturbation.
I signed up for the program and got started with the introductory video, in which Tony explains that pornography consumption is motivated by triggers found in the body, mind, and spirit and as a reaction to stress. His approach takes a cold, clinical tack, identifying how excessive sugar consumption, caffeine addiction (is it getting hot in here or is that the Coke Zero bubbling in my stomach?), poor nutrition, and a lack of exercise lead the body to chemically require stimulation from porn. The next step shows how emotional distress, boredom, horniness (an emotion, not a physical state), loneliness, and anger cause the same reaction in our brains. Additionally, the spirit (in his non-denominational definition, the place from which we view the world) needs time and a way to cope with those temptations. Finally, effective stress management ties everything together by providing practical solutions to these physiological problems.
In addition to this real-world approach to solving the problem of pornography (something my male brain requires), Tony litters his initial video with humor and a sense of hope as he conveys his struggle with pornography. He breaks down his shame cycle in a way I'm very intimately aware of and makes me feel like I can do it. The biggest thing that shone through was that it doesn't matter how long it's been since your last exposure to pornography. All that matters is today. One day of making good choices is one day further away from porn, and everyone needs that one more day, whether it's been two hours or two years since your last relapse.
It kinda sucks because he's pretty handsome (and heaven knows how I like my men handsome and faithful), but in addition to the video courses, there are two weekly phone calls, one monthly question and answer session, and a 24/7 in-the-moment emergency line to call when confronted with the temptation. Very hopeful tools in the hands of this desperate sufferer.
So, dear reader, check out those programs if you so desire. Even if you don't struggle, maybe you'll find something you can use to solve your own problems, or maybe it'll help you help a friend. And also, if you feel so inclined, I'd appreciate the occasional check-up. Even if I've never spoken to you, e-mail me and ask me how I'm doing. It'll remind me to be more accountable.
And as always, I'm here for you too. Let's succeed together. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The Power of Vulnerability- TED Talks
Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, gave a wonderful TED talk in June 2010 at TEDxHouston called "The Power of Vulnerability." She gives several interesting insights on why we as humans feel vulnerability and when that vulnerability ceases to be a gut check or a valuable piece of intuition and begins to be a crippling side effect of shame (I can almost hear the collective groans: "Geez, he's talking about shame again...).
Watch it. She's entertaining and accessible. If you can't be bothered, the most interesting point I found was that there are two types of people: those who feel capable of loving and being loved and those who really have to work hard to feel loved because it doesn't come easily to them.
Those in the first category, whom she calls whole-hearted people, have three important distinctions over those in the second category, namely, a capacity for courage, for compassion, and for connection.
The capacity for courage is manifested by an ability to present themselves as imperfect beings. The capacity for compassion is an ability to treat themselves kindly first and then extend compassion to others, the logic being that we have no ability to show compassion for others if we can't treat ourselves kindly. Finally, the capacity for connection means that those who are whole-hearted can forsake the image that they seek to convey in favor of being authentically themselves, which authenticity is required for genuine connection.
The final and major distinction whole-hearted people have is a willingness to be vulnerable. According to her research, Brown concluded that they feel neither excessive delight nor excruciating discomfort in being in vulnerable situations, but instead see them as necessary parts of life. Saying "I love you" first, entering into risky relationships with high potential, taking calculated risks professionally, and even having regular doctor's examinations place these people in vulnerable situations, situations which they view as important facets of a balanced life. Those who live half-heartedly instead bury their vulnerability and keep it closely guarded, turning it into shame.
She then outlines the problem we face today for those of us who are not whole-hearted. We seek to numb vulnerability, shame, and disappointment in self and others, but the problem with emotion is that numbing agents do not work selectively. A beer or five will not help us feel less pain and more love. We will feel less of everything, which emptiness leaves us feeling alone, miserable, and depressed and yields the use of more numbing.
You'll have to watch the video to hear her proposed remedies ;)
Watch it. She's entertaining and accessible. If you can't be bothered, the most interesting point I found was that there are two types of people: those who feel capable of loving and being loved and those who really have to work hard to feel loved because it doesn't come easily to them.
Those in the first category, whom she calls whole-hearted people, have three important distinctions over those in the second category, namely, a capacity for courage, for compassion, and for connection.
The capacity for courage is manifested by an ability to present themselves as imperfect beings. The capacity for compassion is an ability to treat themselves kindly first and then extend compassion to others, the logic being that we have no ability to show compassion for others if we can't treat ourselves kindly. Finally, the capacity for connection means that those who are whole-hearted can forsake the image that they seek to convey in favor of being authentically themselves, which authenticity is required for genuine connection.
The final and major distinction whole-hearted people have is a willingness to be vulnerable. According to her research, Brown concluded that they feel neither excessive delight nor excruciating discomfort in being in vulnerable situations, but instead see them as necessary parts of life. Saying "I love you" first, entering into risky relationships with high potential, taking calculated risks professionally, and even having regular doctor's examinations place these people in vulnerable situations, situations which they view as important facets of a balanced life. Those who live half-heartedly instead bury their vulnerability and keep it closely guarded, turning it into shame.
She then outlines the problem we face today for those of us who are not whole-hearted. We seek to numb vulnerability, shame, and disappointment in self and others, but the problem with emotion is that numbing agents do not work selectively. A beer or five will not help us feel less pain and more love. We will feel less of everything, which emptiness leaves us feeling alone, miserable, and depressed and yields the use of more numbing.
You'll have to watch the video to hear her proposed remedies ;)
As always, my mailbox is a sanctuary for bitching, grieving, being joyful, being lonely, etc. Don't let shame, vulnerability, or fear cripple you. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Reaching Out
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Last night, I made some mistakes with pornography. This is the first time, dear reader, that I've admitted something like that while it's still so fresh. The wound is raw and my natural impulse is to hide it and cover it with a shoddy bandage until it's a little bit healed, but a little bit infected, and only then will I try to clean it, after it's too late and the damage has been done. The scar may only be noticeable to those who pay close attention, but I'll always know it's there.
Not this time. This time, I'm going to douse the wound with hydrogen peroxide, scrub at it with a stiff brush to get the debris out, and then soak it in some more antiseptic. I'm going to expose it to fresh, life-giving air and acknowledge that the raw, torn flesh and unattractive scar tissue will repulse and scare some people. It's going to hurt like hell and the sting will remain for a long time. More people will know I'm damaged and see the ugliness than if I covered it up, but in time, the scar will diminish because I took the time to care for the wound in the beginning.
I've said it before, far too many times, but the shame cycle is a genuine struggle. It's a line of thought that taints my emotions and tells me that even behind the anonymity of this blog, even within the trusted friendships and familial relationships of those who know who I am, even before my almost guileless bishop's love, I can't reveal my wounds because others will be repulsed by them. Instead, I take time to cover them up, I minimize them in my priesthood interviews, and I wait until they're somewhat in the past to tell others, including you, dear reader. And then, it happens all over again.
Something clearly isn't working. So it's time to change the plan of attack. And so, my life will become more public. You don't need to know all of the details, but you're prepared to hear more of the real-time truth. Last night was a night that I regret, a night that I am ashamed of. But it's a night that I don't want to cover up anymore. It's time to be honest with the world and reach out, at least behind the relative inconspicuousness of this (hopefully) anonymous blog and within those trusted relationships
As always, if you're struggling with shame or pornography or masturbation or anorexia or overeating or poor self-esteem or anything else, maybe we can struggle together. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but if there's anything I've learned from this shitty situation of homosexuality and pornography, it's that everybody hurts sometimes and sometimes ya just gotta cry and wallow and ask someone to wallow with you. Your struggles suck too and I'd love to help you if you want me to, because I guarantee that I love you and that the Lord wants us to help each other. I'm reaching out. If you want to do the same, feel free. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com.
Last night, I made some mistakes with pornography. This is the first time, dear reader, that I've admitted something like that while it's still so fresh. The wound is raw and my natural impulse is to hide it and cover it with a shoddy bandage until it's a little bit healed, but a little bit infected, and only then will I try to clean it, after it's too late and the damage has been done. The scar may only be noticeable to those who pay close attention, but I'll always know it's there.
Not this time. This time, I'm going to douse the wound with hydrogen peroxide, scrub at it with a stiff brush to get the debris out, and then soak it in some more antiseptic. I'm going to expose it to fresh, life-giving air and acknowledge that the raw, torn flesh and unattractive scar tissue will repulse and scare some people. It's going to hurt like hell and the sting will remain for a long time. More people will know I'm damaged and see the ugliness than if I covered it up, but in time, the scar will diminish because I took the time to care for the wound in the beginning.
I've said it before, far too many times, but the shame cycle is a genuine struggle. It's a line of thought that taints my emotions and tells me that even behind the anonymity of this blog, even within the trusted friendships and familial relationships of those who know who I am, even before my almost guileless bishop's love, I can't reveal my wounds because others will be repulsed by them. Instead, I take time to cover them up, I minimize them in my priesthood interviews, and I wait until they're somewhat in the past to tell others, including you, dear reader. And then, it happens all over again.
Something clearly isn't working. So it's time to change the plan of attack. And so, my life will become more public. You don't need to know all of the details, but you're prepared to hear more of the real-time truth. Last night was a night that I regret, a night that I am ashamed of. But it's a night that I don't want to cover up anymore. It's time to be honest with the world and reach out, at least behind the relative inconspicuousness of this (hopefully) anonymous blog and within those trusted relationships
As always, if you're struggling with shame or pornography or masturbation or anorexia or overeating or poor self-esteem or anything else, maybe we can struggle together. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but if there's anything I've learned from this shitty situation of homosexuality and pornography, it's that everybody hurts sometimes and sometimes ya just gotta cry and wallow and ask someone to wallow with you. Your struggles suck too and I'd love to help you if you want me to, because I guarantee that I love you and that the Lord wants us to help each other. I'm reaching out. If you want to do the same, feel free. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Shamed- Full Trailer
In case my last post didn't drive home the point well enough, shame (as opposed to guilt) is something I really struggle with. Guilt says that my behavior is bad and shame says that I am a bad person.
Shamed, a documentary by Jessica Mockett, is still in the fundraising stage. I have high hopes for this documentary. Please, watch the second trailer the production crew has released and consider donating via Kickstarter to help this film be produced.
Shamed, a documentary by Jessica Mockett, is still in the fundraising stage. I have high hopes for this documentary. Please, watch the second trailer the production crew has released and consider donating via Kickstarter to help this film be produced.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Trying to Regain Focus
This weekend was not kind. I had a nice time visiting Utarr, but it was filled with a lot of personal drama and angst. Nothing was going poorly outwardly, but I was just having a hard time keeping my thoughts collected and positive. There was a lot of what's-the-point going on as I visited with old friends and compared my life with theirs.
And then, amid all of those misgivings I'd had about life, I started to slip back into the old cycle of porn and self-loathing. I'm trying really hard to stem that tide of contempt and keep it from crashing onto me and sending me back to where I was a year ago, but I readily admit that I'm having a hard time with that.
______________________________________
Before I left for Utah, I had a conversation with a friend. I told her everything, all of my problems and sins and proclivities. I figured she'd be a good ally and I wanted her to know everything about me so that I could feel like I wasn't hiding anything from her anymore. I encouraged her to check up on me and be blunt with me often, just to have something to check myself by. And I even admitted to her that she was someone I could see myself with, someone I could share her load and my load with. She took it all like a champ and promised to be my friend and help me any way she could.
I hoped that telling her all that would make me feel better. I hoped that by letting her in, I could start to lay the foundation of a great friendship and maybe a great relationship, and I hoped that I could feel confident and less shameful about everything. But that wasn't the case. Instead, I dreaded her text messages. I hoped that she'd get freaked out and give me the cold shoulder. For some crazy reason, I wanted her to hate me and cut me out of her life. I ended the conversation feeling better, but woke up the next morning feeling so ashamed that I told her everything, including the parts about my shallow romantic feelings for her. I admit that I regret having that conversation a little bit, and I wish I didn't regret it. Reading her in on everything was a good decision and I have no idea why I wish I hadn't.
______________________________________
After I made my mistakes this week, I tried giving myself a pep talk. I told myself that I was wrong and that my mistakes were bad, but they didn't define me. I remembered that I'd made mistakes before and that I'd come back from them. But it all felt so hollow. I felt like I was telling myself lies, like I was trying to minimize or hide my problems, a sure sign of that old shame cycle.
Last night, as I was driving home from a friend's house, I felt like I needed to pull over and just have a conversation with Heavenly Father. I told him about all my mistakes and I asked that he'd help me feel guilt, but no shame, so that I could move forward and get it fixed. I frankly asked him, "What's the point? Will it ever get any easier?" I reminded him of all the progress I'd made, but then told him that I still felt like crap. I told him about when I'm at church and studying my scriptures and participating in discussions, and yet I still feel incredible attractions to a few guys in my ward. I asked him why I felt those things even as I participated in one of the most holy things I am currently allowed to do. I asked how I could possibly hope to have a girlfriend, much less a wife, when I'd catch myself looking some actor's abs every time we'd go see a movie together. I told him that I was afraid to get married or to go on a mission or go through the temple, because I was worried that all of a sudden I'd screw something up really bad and be so much more accountable for that mistake. I asked him if I really was in for 70 or 80 years of a life of quiet desperation. I asked when my "It Gets Better" moment was going to come.
Finally, I reminded him that I followed the second great commandment very well. I told him that I am a good friend and neighbor and I'm usually nice to most people. And, even the first great commandment I follow most of the time. I asked him why the few times I disobeyed seemed to nullify all of those other good qualities. I told him that my finite, mathematical mind didn't understand how my disobedience, which probably accounts for maybe 5% of my time alive, completely overcame that other 95%. I just don't understand why I'm cursed with such a poor self-image that a few mistakes can convince me that I'm destined for the 7th circle of Hell.
But, I admit, as awful as it felt to say all of those things to him, I could tell he was listening. I'm still worried and concerned about my long-term and I am still ashamed and wish I could just go to sleep for a few weeks because I'm so emotionally and spiritually exhausted, but at least he was listening.
Ugh, I'm trying so hard not to sound emo right now. Guess that'd be today's main failure. Better than the alternative failures I suppose.
And then, amid all of those misgivings I'd had about life, I started to slip back into the old cycle of porn and self-loathing. I'm trying really hard to stem that tide of contempt and keep it from crashing onto me and sending me back to where I was a year ago, but I readily admit that I'm having a hard time with that.
______________________________________
Before I left for Utah, I had a conversation with a friend. I told her everything, all of my problems and sins and proclivities. I figured she'd be a good ally and I wanted her to know everything about me so that I could feel like I wasn't hiding anything from her anymore. I encouraged her to check up on me and be blunt with me often, just to have something to check myself by. And I even admitted to her that she was someone I could see myself with, someone I could share her load and my load with. She took it all like a champ and promised to be my friend and help me any way she could.
I hoped that telling her all that would make me feel better. I hoped that by letting her in, I could start to lay the foundation of a great friendship and maybe a great relationship, and I hoped that I could feel confident and less shameful about everything. But that wasn't the case. Instead, I dreaded her text messages. I hoped that she'd get freaked out and give me the cold shoulder. For some crazy reason, I wanted her to hate me and cut me out of her life. I ended the conversation feeling better, but woke up the next morning feeling so ashamed that I told her everything, including the parts about my shallow romantic feelings for her. I admit that I regret having that conversation a little bit, and I wish I didn't regret it. Reading her in on everything was a good decision and I have no idea why I wish I hadn't.
______________________________________
After I made my mistakes this week, I tried giving myself a pep talk. I told myself that I was wrong and that my mistakes were bad, but they didn't define me. I remembered that I'd made mistakes before and that I'd come back from them. But it all felt so hollow. I felt like I was telling myself lies, like I was trying to minimize or hide my problems, a sure sign of that old shame cycle.
Last night, as I was driving home from a friend's house, I felt like I needed to pull over and just have a conversation with Heavenly Father. I told him about all my mistakes and I asked that he'd help me feel guilt, but no shame, so that I could move forward and get it fixed. I frankly asked him, "What's the point? Will it ever get any easier?" I reminded him of all the progress I'd made, but then told him that I still felt like crap. I told him about when I'm at church and studying my scriptures and participating in discussions, and yet I still feel incredible attractions to a few guys in my ward. I asked him why I felt those things even as I participated in one of the most holy things I am currently allowed to do. I asked how I could possibly hope to have a girlfriend, much less a wife, when I'd catch myself looking some actor's abs every time we'd go see a movie together. I told him that I was afraid to get married or to go on a mission or go through the temple, because I was worried that all of a sudden I'd screw something up really bad and be so much more accountable for that mistake. I asked him if I really was in for 70 or 80 years of a life of quiet desperation. I asked when my "It Gets Better" moment was going to come.
Finally, I reminded him that I followed the second great commandment very well. I told him that I am a good friend and neighbor and I'm usually nice to most people. And, even the first great commandment I follow most of the time. I asked him why the few times I disobeyed seemed to nullify all of those other good qualities. I told him that my finite, mathematical mind didn't understand how my disobedience, which probably accounts for maybe 5% of my time alive, completely overcame that other 95%. I just don't understand why I'm cursed with such a poor self-image that a few mistakes can convince me that I'm destined for the 7th circle of Hell.
But, I admit, as awful as it felt to say all of those things to him, I could tell he was listening. I'm still worried and concerned about my long-term and I am still ashamed and wish I could just go to sleep for a few weeks because I'm so emotionally and spiritually exhausted, but at least he was listening.
Ugh, I'm trying so hard not to sound emo right now. Guess that'd be today's main failure. Better than the alternative failures I suppose.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Shamed
Psychologically speaking, shame is a non-productive emotion. Instead of being a function of how we feel and, from a gospel perspective, how the Lord feels about our actions, it is a function of how we perceive others will feel about our actions. Therefore, shame breeds an unconscious need to withdraw from others to avoid that possible embarrassment from being "found out." Because it motivates one to try and resolve something alone, without the assistance or help of others, shame is the antithesis of repentance and the Atonement.
Jessica Mockett, a filmmaker from Salt Lake City, is trying to make shame a thing of the past. Her documentary, Shamed, is about the pain and embarrassment that comes from pornography addiction. She aims to reduce the fear and misconception so often attached to this incredibly personal struggle by telling the stories of former pornography addicts and using their challenges to reach out to others who may be struggling.
The trailer, found below, contains snippets of the interviews of two men. One man says something that really hits home because it reminds me of how I felt when I first started consuming pornography: "You kind of go into this hopeless helplessness-type mentality of, like, "I'm never gonna get better, but it doesn't matter because I can just hide this for the rest of my life." I hid it for two years and looking back, those two years were some of the most painful, disingenuous years of my life. The desire to hide is a natural one, but it doesn't work. Both men talk about the bad choice they made, not in consuming porn, but in deciding to hide their problems from others.
I'd like to end with this quote, also from the trailer: "The Gospel is not about trying to be perfect or trying to appear perfect, it's just trying to do the best that you can, and seeking the help when you need it." I am not perfect and neither are you and that is okay. Don't be ashamed, be proactive and reach out for help or reach out to help another. As always, if you want to tell your story to someone who loves and appreciates you as a child of God, e-mail me at gaymormonpioneer at gmail dot com.
Mockett is using Kickstarter, an online project-funding platform, to support this project. Kickstarter gives her a deadline for fundraising, just 31 days away on February 15th, and she needs to raise money for her project by then. She has a unique take on this problem and I want to see her ideas come to fruition. If you feel so inclined, please, donate and share this story with friends.
Jessica Mockett, a filmmaker from Salt Lake City, is trying to make shame a thing of the past. Her documentary, Shamed, is about the pain and embarrassment that comes from pornography addiction. She aims to reduce the fear and misconception so often attached to this incredibly personal struggle by telling the stories of former pornography addicts and using their challenges to reach out to others who may be struggling.
The trailer, found below, contains snippets of the interviews of two men. One man says something that really hits home because it reminds me of how I felt when I first started consuming pornography: "You kind of go into this hopeless helplessness-type mentality of, like, "I'm never gonna get better, but it doesn't matter because I can just hide this for the rest of my life." I hid it for two years and looking back, those two years were some of the most painful, disingenuous years of my life. The desire to hide is a natural one, but it doesn't work. Both men talk about the bad choice they made, not in consuming porn, but in deciding to hide their problems from others.
I'd like to end with this quote, also from the trailer: "The Gospel is not about trying to be perfect or trying to appear perfect, it's just trying to do the best that you can, and seeking the help when you need it." I am not perfect and neither are you and that is okay. Don't be ashamed, be proactive and reach out for help or reach out to help another. As always, if you want to tell your story to someone who loves and appreciates you as a child of God, e-mail me at gaymormonpioneer at gmail dot com.
Mockett is using Kickstarter, an online project-funding platform, to support this project. Kickstarter gives her a deadline for fundraising, just 31 days away on February 15th, and she needs to raise money for her project by then. She has a unique take on this problem and I want to see her ideas come to fruition. If you feel so inclined, please, donate and share this story with friends.
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