A ludicrously long hiatus: God's blessings continue

It's been months since my last post. Blogging here has become simultaneously tedious and risky, so I haven't seen much of the appeal behind it.

However, on recommendation from a friend who has always believed in my ability to "pioneer," I've decided to share a little about my life lately.

Some of you noticed that I wrote a blog post about the BYU-Idaho Student Honor Office a few months ago.  I decided to delete the post because I felt it was insensitive and petty.  I've rewritten it, but I can't decide if I'll post it. Time will tell, I suppose.

The long and short of that first deleted post was this: In May of this year, I was suspended from BYU-Idaho until April 2015, when I can apply to attend school in April 2016.  Effectively, I was removed from the school for nearly two years. I acknowledge my wrongdoing in being suspended, but I felt somewhat wronged by the school, that justice had been served with exactness and severity, but no mercy was extended. I could write a book filled with the negative feelings I had (and still have), but my message tonight is a different one.

Quick Update

I've been incredibly busy since getting home for the semester.  I've been shuttling around family members, fixing my broken-down motorbike and riding it home from Utah, and working a temporary part-time job before I move to Texas for an internship.

Here's a quick update: still Mormon, still gay, still skanking around and feeling guilty about it, still trying to make good friendships with good people, still not sure about my future.

Right now, however, I'm reasonably content. I have lots of worries and I'm pretty sure I screw things up royally on a regular basis, but it's okay.  It will be okay in the end, I think.  I might be making my path to that ethereal "end" harder, but it'll still probably turn out okay.

Also, I've started doing some side work doing some technical editing for Petrolicious, one of my favorite online automotive outlets.  I'm really excited about that. Good things are happening in my life and for that, I'm grateful.

I've said it before to many of my friends, but now I need to say it to myself and believe that it'll work:

Keep moving forward.

A most dangerous ultimatum

Ever since about July of last year, I've been really in the doldrums.  I have myself to blame for a lot of it. I've been pretty good about porn and masturbation, but it's still a presence I'm not keen on, for reasons beyond religion (and laundry). I've also been more involved in the gay community, for better and worse, and that's to blame for some of the stress I feel as well.

Even so, I haven't felt much peace, in spite of the efforts I've been making towards finding it.  There have been moments where I've felt the Spirit's influence in my life to be certain, but I don't feel as though that influence is directing me as well as I might have hoped.

The other night, during my evening prayer, I gave God an ultimatum and I've been pondering it ever since. I'd love some input on it, and so I turn to the blogosphere...

Confessions

A few weeks ago, a friend showed me a website that allows the students of his school to submit confessions anonymously, which then show up on the website. I found a similar website for my school, and the difference is ridiculous.

I go to a church-sponsored school (that narrows it down to one of four) in southeast Idaho (one of one), whereas my friend goes to a state school in Utah.  The posts on his school's webpage were pretty scandalous, people peeing in their roommates' drinks to get secret revenge, twisted sexual fantasies, the list went on and made me (me!) blush.

My school's posts were along the lines of, "I sneak out past curfew," "I told my bishop I had an emotional disorder to get out of a calling," and "Sometimes I go on dates just for a free meal." And yet, in spite of the relative tepidity of my school's confessions, the comments on them were absolutely vilifying.  It was ludicrous that there was more judgement lashed at a girl who took advantage of suitors for free food than there was directed at a guy who had three falsely committal sexual encounters with three different "girlfriends" in the same night.

So, needless to say, I won't be confessing anything on my school's page, anonymous or not. Guess I'll do it here.

So, a few months ago, I made out with a guy. From the day we met, we had a near-instant attraction to each other, and over the course of a few weeks, we really made a connection. Then, one day (the very morning I decided that I wouldn't pursue anything with him), we made out for about an hour in the back seat of my car, a moment which, to be honest, I can't really stop thinking about.

In fact, the only distraction from that moment I can find is when I think about the other time we kissed, which was even more passionate and, if I'm honest, wonderful. To be fair (and to assuage my guilt), we didn't cross any serious morality lines, but it has given me a lot to think about for the past month or two. I honestly don't really know where to take it from here.

He made me feel in those moments of passion like I was the only person in the world, like no one else could take my place in his life. And if it was confined to those moments that I felt like that, then that would be one thing.  If all I was was a warm body and a nice set of lips to him, I could deal with that. I could have a casual, nonsexual relationship with him and still feel secure in my life path. In the grand scheme of things, a boyish lark is nothing to get upset about.

But the problem lies in that it wasn't just in those moments of heat that I felt special, nor that I felt a similar attraction to him.  I found myself thinking about him and his feelings, his schoolwork, his employment, his talents and skills, and on and on.  Whenever we talked, he asked thoughtful questions about my life and I felt special to him as well. It wasn't just lust.

But, as is my way, there's this big hangup I have preventing me from moving forward with him.

It's so strange; every second I sit in church, I find myself continually contending with the teachers and the doctrine in my mind (not out loud, that would be awkward).  I give all these reasons why it doesn't make sense and why the best decision for me would be to just get up and walk out the door and never look back. But I stay. I listen to the lesson or talk, not because I feel compelled to or because I'd be too embarrassed or afraid of rejection if I left.  I sit through church (and legitimately enjoy Institute) because it feeds my soul. It reminds me that there's something greater out there besides me and this handsome, gentle man I find myself attracted to.

I'm desperate. I want to find a balance between the two. Something I haven't told anyone yet: I dreamt that the prophet received revelation that gay marriage wasn't a big deal and God didn't care who His children loved, as long as they were good and kind and considerate of their spouses, and I dreamt it in the context of my own gay wedding. I woke up, bitterly depressed to be shaken back into the real world.

That revelation hasn't happened, and it probably never will.  So I'm stuck in this really obnoxious holding pattern between a religion that makes absolutely no logical sense and doesn't sit well with me some of the time and a potential relationship that, so far, makes perfect sense and makes me happy, but also doesn't sit well with me.

Right now I'm staying the course.  Church is what has felt right for the last 24 years and until that changes in a compelling way, then I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing and keep expecting the same results, namely, halfway decent peace of mind and a fairly stable view of myself. I know it sounds closed-minded and fear-driven, and quite frankly, that might be the case. But if in 10 years, I find myself in a happy temple marriage with three great kids, a dog and a wonderful, supportive wife, then I'll look back on this moment and be glad I made the choice to carry on.  And if in 10 years, I find myself in a happy civil union with an adopted child, a dog and a wonderful, supportive husband, I'll look back on this moment and understand I wasn't ready to move on yet.

So there it is.  I confess.

Long-Overdue Life Update

Well, I've uprooted myself yet again and moved.  I haven't lived in the same place for more than 9 months since I was 18 years old and still living at home.  That first move was terrifying.  Going away to college for the first time, moving from my home state for the first time, and going the furthest away any of my family ever had (except perhaps for missions) was so scary, but I suppose I found something I liked about it, because ever since, I haven't been able to stay in the same place. 

Always moving, looking for something else, something new.  It's not a matter of dissatisfaction with my current life, although I suppose I have the impulse to run whenever things get tough, but none of my moves have ever been motivated by running from something.  I just get antsy I guess.  I figure, until I have some real reasons to stick around (big-boy job, family, mortgage, etc.) I'll just always feel like roaming.  I think the desire to uproot myself stems from my total lack of roots.  There's nothing stopping me from leaving, so why not leave until I find something to stick around for?

Anyway, I've moved again.  And I celebrated my move by unpacking and then immediately going on vacation.  Took a road trip with some friends to a lake I love and spent four days camping, cooking great food over the fire, playing on jet skis, and reading The Hunger Games trilogy.  Possibly more on that later.  And now, I've finally just gotten home.  Scrubbed and clean after three nights sleeping in a tent, I'm feeling more handsome now than I have in months, although it's probably just the monumental change from the disgusting, smelly camp me to the barely presentable, sunburned (but scrubbed and shaven!) post-vaca me that's making me feel that way.

And now that I'm back, I'll have to be finding work.  Two outstanding speeding tickets, plus rent, insurance, and food to pay for now.  Heh.  I hate being on my own sometimes.  Got a few leads on a few jobs, and in the meantime I'll be doing some crowd-control work at local concerts and community events at night, so I'll have barely enough to scrape by for a few weeks till I can find a real job.  The nice thing about moving this time of year is that all of the other college students are just now leaving for school, so I can take all their old jobs.

And with regards to the Gay Mormon Pioneer, things are going okay.  There's more distance between porn and me than there has been in a long time, my new bishop is eager to meet me and get me on a mission, and my parents have been very helpful in the moving process, which just makes me love them and trust them more. They're close, so I suppose this move isn't as drastic as some of the others have been, but it'll be nice to have some semblance of home in all my vagabond wandering.

A quick thought about my bishop: he was once the Evergreen International support group high council sponsor or whatever you'd call it from the stake.  I'm excited to hear some of his insights.  I called him on the phone before the move and told him a lot about me so he wouldn't be surprised and I'm stoked to meet him tomorrow.  I have no idea how I feel about EI, but I figure the more exposure to gays a bishop gets, the more entitled he is to revelation about it.  'Twill be interesting for sure.

More as it comes, but as for now, I'm going to go try and finish The Hunger Games tonight.  By the way, I'm totally on Team Peeta.  Gale's great, but Peeta's phenomenal.