Old Journal Entry-II

Goal for this semester? Write a blog post entirely in Spanish. I bypassed the first year classes and start my Spanish 201 class tomorrow. Haven't taken a language class in five years and I'm pretty freakin' terrified about it, haha.

Here's another old journal entry from awhile back. I wrote this journal for a class and turned it in for the teacher to grade. I'm glad she read it. She offered a lot of interesting insights and called me candid, raw, and warm, which might be the greatest set of attributes ever ascribed to me.

If you haven't already picked up on it, I'm pretty damn emotional. Like, overly emotional and self-absorbed. And way into my problems. But this entry kinda explains why that is and how it's still beneficial for me and my spiritual growth.
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01/20/11

I’ve had an epiphany with this entry. Being in pain doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Pain necessarily is a part of life and refusing to acknowledge it isn’t something that works for me. What I need to do, then, is take the edge off of the pain by seeing it for what it is, then seeing how the Lord is taking me through it. I will still feel that pain and envy towards those who seem to have it easier, but knowing that I can acknowledge my pain to the Lord and to those close to me will be a great blessing.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that I should just shut up about all my problems and start being more grateful for the gifts I’ve been given. I feel like I should have more faith to know that this too shall pass, come what may and love it, and all that. People say that all the time, but do you know how those sayings make me feel? In the words of a good friend, they “trivialize the pain.” And being in pain doesn’t make me less grateful for my car, my money, my schooling, my family, my job, etc. It just means I’m in pain.
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See? Way hung up on pain I have been this semester. But the growth comes when I acknowledge the pain, mourn a little, ask Heavenly Father what to do with it, and put it in the perspective of the parts of His plan that I understand. It's not a perfect system and eventually I'd like to cut the mourning part out of the cycle, but until that happens, I'm gonna keep trying to put things in perspective the way I know how.

Old Journal Entry

This journal entry is from March 24, 2011.  I wrote these words after my school choir participated as the angelic choir in Savior of the World.  


In the way of backstory, my friend Toby had just come out to me a few days earlier, which inspired me to return the favor, I suppose.  Our relationship became very complicated after that, with him and I now battling constant temptation to yield to our attractions.  That complication continues to this day, which is why I felt like I needed to repost some of these old journal entries.
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Additionally, tonight was rehearsal for Savior of the World. There are certain hymns (and I will call them that) that pierce my soul. The lines inviting Jesus to “come in glory to the earth” and “come to us to rule and reign” send shivers and chills down my body and the humble beseeching of Mary Magdalene and jubilant Alleluias of Mother Mary bring tears of humble joy to my eyes.

There is a line that Mary Magdalene sings of angels admonishing her to “Fear not, Christ is risen this day.” She continues by asking why she mourned after his death, knowing full well that his prophecy of his resurrection would come to pass. It got me thinking. After Jesus died, the earth went through literal hell. The Spirit of the Lord had withdrawn from the world and tumult shook the very foundations of the planet. His absence brought tears, loneliness, and death. And yet, for Mary Magdalene, that Sunday morning washed her fears and concerns away.

Each of us goes through our three days of hell eventually, and often at more than one time in our lives. But Mary Magdalene’s fears were alleviated when she heard her name followed by, “Fear not.”

Right now, I am going through my three days of hell. I am so tempted by Toby, and yet I feel such a love for the Savior. I feel intense loneliness and sorrow in the throes of my trial, and yet, I know that the Lord will bring me through it. I struggle daily with the wish to feel loved, but the Lord fills me with enough light to see through the shadows in my heart. My three days will be punctuated with the phrase, “Fear not, my beloved.”