Thursday, August 22, 2013

Life in a Vacuum and other random thoughts

I'm trying so hard to distill something in my head.  There's something there that needs to come out, but I just can't access it right now.  I don't know what the deal is.

I guess I'll just tell a story.

I went on a first date the other night with someone I really like. We have amazing chemistry and we look so good together and we have similar senses of humor and mesh really well without having nothing to talk about, etc.  He's just an all-around good guy who I like. He's also deeply religious, so we have that in common and really can explore faith together. Obviously, I feel guilty whenever we spend time together, because the LDS doctrine is still deeply ingrained in my head, which is the result of either brainwashing or testimony, depending on who you ask. If you asked me, I'd have no idea how to answer.

In any case, back to the date.  It was thoughtful and low-pressure and romantic without being silly, but we both knew it was going to be a heavy night from the get-go.  It most certainly was. Within a few minutes, we started talking about his emotional traumas from the past and my near-crippling fears about the future. I had tried to ground him whenever his past haunted him, but it was exhausting and I felt myself becoming emotionally dependent on him for my own happiness. The more I tried to hold him in the present, the more frequently I slipped into the future, worrying about every option and fearing both bitter loneliness and consequences of sin. And, try as he might, he couldn't ground me the way I could him. He just couldn't.

So, what started out as a lighthearted walk through City Park turned into both of us realizing that we're terrible for each other, but not in a dodged-the-bullet kind of way. No, it was more the tragic kind of way where you know that if one or two circumstances were different, it would be different. So, not a great first date.

Maybe that's how I'll figure things out. Maybe a string of long and tragic and emotionally exhausting relationships will make celibacy a much more attractive option. Maybe God's throwing wrenches into my occasional dallies outside the straight and narrow in hopes to trick me back into obedience.

I know I'm only 24 and that "it gets better," but right now, it sucks. I mean, kind of actually sucks the life out of you. I feel like there's nothing inside, literally. I feel inward pressure on my chest, like there's a vacuum of space in there and my ribcage is going to buckle like a sunken submarine at any time.

It's really kind of a farce. I have a really dark sense of humor, so I could totally see how this whole thing would be pretty funny to someone on the outside. And hell, we've all been there where it's so bad that the only thing you can do is laugh when it starts pouring rain on you as you walk home.

One thing that my date has said before in the past (we've been excellent friends for about 8 months now) is that I need to connect with my sexuality in a healthy way or it comes out in unhealthy ways.  I've been pondering that more and more.  I've considered chaste dating, but chastity isn't really my strong suit so I don't know if that's a wise choice for me right now.

But I did have another idea that maybe I would start volunteering at something that has no political or religious agenda, but is still connected to that homosexual side. The first thing that came to mind was to work at an outreach for homeless members of the LGBT community, and the second was to volunteer at a testing clinic for AIDS.

I've always had fairly strong feelings about AIDS, even before I really knew I was gay. It is such an awful disease and although there are some who see it as a curse from God, personally, I believe that I could volunteer in some kind of clinical setting and still feel comfortable before God. Maybe that would be a good way to connect with my sexuality: by serving others with whom I feel an affinity, while still trying to maintain a high moral code.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Quick Update

I've been incredibly busy since getting home for the semester.  I've been shuttling around family members, fixing my broken-down motorbike and riding it home from Utah, and working a temporary part-time job before I move to Texas for an internship.

Here's a quick update: still Mormon, still gay, still skanking around and feeling guilty about it, still trying to make good friendships with good people, still not sure about my future.

Right now, however, I'm reasonably content. I have lots of worries and I'm pretty sure I screw things up royally on a regular basis, but it's okay.  It will be okay in the end, I think.  I might be making my path to that ethereal "end" harder, but it'll still probably turn out okay.

Also, I've started doing some side work doing some technical editing for Petrolicious, one of my favorite online automotive outlets.  I'm really excited about that. Good things are happening in my life and for that, I'm grateful.

I've said it before to many of my friends, but now I need to say it to myself and believe that it'll work:

Keep moving forward.

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