Finding courage and expunging pride

Alright, so I kind of mentioned this yesterday, but it took me all of three hours of being home from vacation to remember how difficult and tricky life could be.

While I was on vacation, I made a very concerted effort not to think about gay stuff. It came into my mind as frequently as ever, but I tried really hard not to think about it.  One thing that certainly helped was how difficult it was to be where I was. I spent my month in a Spanish-speaking country where it was hard to understand others or make myself understood, so lots of my energy was spent thinking in Spanish and trying to understand out the language better.

If you believe Maslow's hierarchy, which I sometimes don't, you know that if your more basic needs aren't being met (food, water and sleep), then you don't have the time or energy to think about higher needs (shelter, clothing, feeling appreciated, meaningful work). In that respect, my need to understand and be understood by the Spanish speakers around me superseded my religious or emotional needs. Being away was a great time to do something that had nothing to do with Mormonism or homosexuality, and yet was constructive because I was learning a new language and culture.

However, there were moments, even over there, when it was difficult to ignore my sometimes-dualistic feelings towards the LDS church and towards my orientation.

Reaching Out

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Last night, I made some mistakes with pornography. This is the first time, dear reader, that I've admitted something like that while it's still so fresh. The wound is raw and my natural impulse is to hide it and cover it with a shoddy bandage until it's a little bit healed, but a little bit infected, and only then will I try to clean it, after it's too late and the damage has been done. The scar may only be noticeable to those who pay close attention, but I'll always know it's there.

Not this time. This time, I'm going to douse the wound with hydrogen peroxide, scrub at it with a stiff brush to get the debris out, and then soak it in some more antiseptic. I'm going to expose it to fresh, life-giving air and acknowledge that the raw, torn flesh and unattractive scar tissue will repulse and scare some people. It's going to hurt like hell and the sting will remain for a long time. More people will know I'm damaged and see the ugliness than if I covered it up, but in time, the scar will diminish because I took the time to care for the wound in the beginning.

I've said it before, far too many times, but the shame cycle is a genuine struggle. It's a line of thought that taints my emotions and tells me that even behind the anonymity of this blog, even within the trusted friendships and familial relationships of those who know who I am, even before my almost guileless bishop's love, I can't reveal my wounds because others will be repulsed by them. Instead, I take time to cover them up, I minimize them in my priesthood interviews, and I wait until they're somewhat in the past to tell others, including you, dear reader.  And then, it happens all over again.

Something clearly isn't working. So it's time to change the plan of attack. And so, my life will become more public. You don't need to know all of the details, but you're prepared to hear more of the real-time truth.  Last night was a night that I regret, a night that I am ashamed of. But it's a night that I don't want to cover up anymore. It's time to be honest with the world and reach out, at least behind the relative inconspicuousness of this (hopefully) anonymous blog and within those trusted relationships

As always, if you're struggling with shame or pornography or masturbation or anorexia or overeating or poor self-esteem or anything else, maybe we can struggle together. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but if there's anything I've learned from this shitty situation of homosexuality and pornography, it's that everybody hurts sometimes and sometimes ya just gotta cry and wallow and ask someone to wallow with you.  Your struggles suck too and I'd love to help you if you want me to, because I guarantee that I love you and that the Lord wants us to help each other. I'm reaching out. If you want to do the same, feel free. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com.