Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Backstory: 2011-?

Finally moving towards something, I started my second wave of schooling in January of 2011. So excited to be back in school again, I actually did very well, getting As and A-minuses in all of my classes (theretofore uncharted territory in my academic career). I grew to love my new alma mater, and while friends were few and far between for the first few months, I enjoyed my life there. It was a lonely few months, but it was also a very introspective time. Similar to my time in Houston six months before, I used the alone-time to learn about myself and to do things I wanted to do. I took day trips around the region, only occasionally accompanied by friends and roommates. I spent a lot of time on the tarmac at the municipal airport nearby, watching the airplanes take off and land. I learned to cook better and enjoyed my extracurricular music classes. And I studied, hard, finally enjoying learning rather than viewing it as an impedance to fun.

Things got even better during the second semester. That's when I started this blog and when I began exploring who I was and what I was meant to do in this life. Although there was personal drama, which I've already explored in real time, it was a good year for learning. I investigated firsthand what it felt like to kiss a man, to experience mutual attraction to a man, to become afraid of that attraction and how to handle and control those feelings (usually by making the wrong choice and learning from it, in the case of the latter).

The only real story that's left to tell is the future. Going through all this backstory has been an interesting experience. I've never really thought about my homosexuality in sequential terms and it's been good, if not particularly enlightening, to see how each of those events from the past contributed to the man I am today. The future is dark and murky, and there are probably a few dragons lurking in the shadows, so I think it's time to close the history and see what happens next.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Backstory: 2009-2011 - Failed romances and demotivation

2007-2009 were probably the most fertile years of my life thus far as far as dating and crushes on women were concerned.  Apart from Christa in my high school years, there was Stella, from my freshman year of college; Anne, a longtime friend of mine for whom I started developing feelings after high school; and Marie, another friend from college.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Romans 1

This semester in Institute we are studying the second part of the New Testament, Acts through Revelation. Most of what we are covering are the epistles of Paul, which is fascinating stuff. Paul writes a lot about his troubles and challenges and it's reassuring to hear spiritual giants have problems too.  A few months ago, I had a friend tell me she thought Paul was gay, so now that's all I can think whenever I read his words. Viewed through that crucible, this whole reconciling-faith thing seems a little more feasible.

In any case, in his epistle to the Romans, Paul does briefly touch on homosexuality.  I hoped that we'd gloss over that portion of the epistle in Institute, as I really wasn't in the mood for it, but we didn't.  Our teacher, at the end of class, said, "I'd like to end on something that is very current right now," and I knew exactly what he was talking about.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Backstory: 2007-2008

In January of 2007 I was introduced to something, the mystical world of Wikipedia's Sex portal.  Yep. My pornography addiction began at 17 with Wikipedia. I'd made it through middle school and most of high school, completely unscathed by either pornography or masturbation, and then gave in, three months before my 18th birthday, with Wikipedia. Pathetic, no?

I remember it happened when I was doing research for a history paper, using the 'pedia as a primary source. I have no idea what it was about, but one of the hotlinks in the page I was reading went to something called a menage a trois, an expression I was completely unfamiliar with, so I clicked it. That page opened and had still more expressions I didn't understand, so I clicked on them, and so on and so forth until I learned something I'd wondered since I came out to myself the year before, how gay people had sex.  Boom, hooked. Now you know.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Fatboy's famous arrow evades me for yet another year

As with most holidays, I really love Valentine's Day.  I've never been involved with anyone over V-Day, but the idea of the holiday is really nice.  Sure, it's an invention of the greeting card companies, but this world needs more love and Valentine's Day is a good excuse to show it.

However, lately I've been feeling the sting of singlehood more than usual.  It started last Christmas, when I realized that I was the only single sibling in my family, and has continued since then with only the occasional hiatus for a short two-week fling or makeout sesh with some girl in my ward (and maybe a guy, in the case of the latter).

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Gay musings just for the sake of getting a post out

It's been a really long time since I've posted here.  I haven't been busy or anything, I just haven't had a topic.  Anyway, a few gay-related things have popped in an out of my head for the past few days. Some are boring, some are funny.  Skip this one if you're looking for something that's more than mindless drivel ;)

A few days ago some friends and I were at dinner (I ordered a hamburger with peanut butter and jalapeƱos and it was so good).  We were talking about how all of Hilary Swank's movies are inspirationally depressing, then how she's vaguely mannish-looking.  Then we talked about other mannish-looking Hollywood starlets like Jennifer Garner et al.  Now, personally, I find most of these women somewhat attractive, so I piped up and meant to say, "I'm down with these women," but what came out instead was, "I'm down with the masculine." The whole table went silent and then my friend (who knows) busted out laughing like a hyena. Freud 1, GMP 0.

So I hear the Boy Scouts are considering letting individual units decide on homosexuality.  I also hear that the church is conspicuously silent on the matter.  I remember several years ago, my dad was the unit commissioner of our little troop and one Sunday, he had all the Scouts block the doors while he passed out donation slips, chiding the Elders and High Priests in attendance that BSA was considering allowing gay scoutmasters to participate in scouting and that the church needed to be BSA's biggest support so if such a policy were "in danger" of being enacted, the church would have some financial strings to pull.  I don't remember being offended, because I was 13 and hadn't really figured out I was gay yet, but remembering that now, I'm glad to see the church has been silent in this period of flux.  BSA needs to act autonomously and recognize that gay people are capable of being God-fearing, physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight. I'm not gonna wave any flags for either argument, but this feels like progress to me.

Tonight was the first time I've ever been more interested in the football than the commercials or the half-time show.  That kinda feels good.  Football is a really cool sport, I'd like to watch it more frequently next season.

Speaking of the half-time show, Beyonce could totally "cure" me.  Holy hell, her legs go for miles.  I mean, obviously I love her because I'm gay, but damn, I'd love her straight too. She's a babe.  Jay-Z's a lucky, lucky dude. I'm gonna go listen to some Sasha Fierce now.

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