General Conference- April 2012

They say that to get the most out of General Conference, you should enter with a question or a concern in mind and listen for answers.

With all due respect to whoever "they" are, that's never worked for me, or maybe I'm just asking the wrong questions.

For the last few years, I've watched and listened for answers on lots of things about my struggle; they've ranged from practical (how do I live my daily life without being too consumed with same-gender attraction) to spiritual (what should I learn from same-gender attraction and how can I teach that to others) to borderline-blasphemous (does it really matter whether I marry a guy or a girl). But in the end, the answers that came were thin and barely-pertinent and I was left feeling let-down and disappointed that I didn't get to unlock some of the secrets surrounding homosexuality and same-gender attraction.

This conference, I decided to do something different. I did very little preparation in the way of study, prayer, and fasting, outside of what I normally do every other day. I consciously tried not to think about homosexuality while watching and I tried not to view every principle discussed within the crucible of my experiences. In short, I tried to take the me out of Conference and just listen for what we were being commanded and admonished to do.

It was a beautiful conference.  There was peace and hope in every message.  I wasn't so consumed with seeking answers that I was able to gain a lot more knowledge on a wider variety of topics.  There was one moment in particular during President Uchtdorf's talk on Sunday morning when he admonished us to cease being judgmental and withholding forgiveness towards others and towards ourselves when I almost got sucked into a spiral of self-pity, but the overarching message of love and compassion towards others shone through brightly enough to keep me up. Through both his talk and Elder Cook's talk on Sunday afternoon, I felt a great sense of duty  to be more loving, less self-absorbed, and more hopeful than before.

Not that I'm recommending being less invested in Conference, but for me, stressing out about getting a specific answer seems to work counter to what General Conference should achieve. I'm grateful I did it the way I did it this time around and I look forward to doing the same thing in six months.

God loves you, reader. If you don't believe me, let me talk you into it. gaymormonpioneer at gmail dot com