Sunday, March 25, 2012

Yet Another Bi-polar Day

Today was wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I'm roadtripping in Utah right now and I had a blast at my second Holi Festival in Spanish Fork (if I ever out myself, you'll see pictures). I enjoyed some multicultural color-throwing and in spite of a sore back from being dropped on the ground while surfing the crowd (I know it's juvenile, but it's my weakness), I loved every second of it. I'm picking dust out my ears and even after showering, my face and neck are still splattered with color, but I loved it. Just such a good day.

It didn't end up how I planned it, however. I had organized a big group of people to go and we were supposed to spend the whole day together, at least in my mind, but it didn't happen that way. In fact, I spent much of the festival hanging out with a girl I'm attracted to on some level and her new boyfriend. Whom she chose over me. So yeah, not an ideal situation. Not that I blame her or anything, even I admit that he's a really good-looking kid.

Anyway, every time I come to Provo, I just get filled with this strange ennui about not going to school here. I love it here. I love the relative looseness of the rules, especially compared with BYU-Idaho. I love that the town doesn't shut down at 9 pm like Rexburg does. It's such a fun place to be a student and I am jealous of that. I had a great day, in spite of that relationship drama up there, but I felt like it was being punctuated with regret that I didn't come to Provo when I had the grades and the opportunity. I'm getting a good education in Idaho, but Provo just seems like a much better place to be a student. I didn't want to waste the whole day regretting my life path, so I prayed that those feelings would pass, and indeed they did. I spent the rest of the night laughing with my grandma and aunt before going to my old high school buddy's house to sleep.

But again, that vague discontent settled on me. This time, it was centered on my loneliness. Lately, I've been craving physical interaction. Put more simply, I really want to make out with a girl and see if it works for me. After the hot mess that was the girl mentioned above, I'm kind of over trying to date for awhile. I just want to have fun with a girl, not go too far, but have a good time and leave it at that. I know that's slutty and trashy, but it's how I'm feeling.

Tonight, though, I kinda realized that those interactions probably won't help. I guess I've never made out with a girl before, so it'd be helpful to understand how something like that makes me feel, but that cheap, easy connection won't fill my loneliness at all.  In fact, my mind ran around to those old cravings of deep, interpersonal connection with another guy. As I was driving, I openly lamented how many attractive, wonderful guys there were in this world, including some of my best friends. I don't want to give in to those temptations at all, especially given the progress I've made in the last few months, but I can't help but look at some of my friends and think, "I could really love you. We could build a  wonderful life together." That's the connection I'm craving, and I fear that kind of connection might never come with a woman.

Those thoughts are non-productive at best and violently destructive at worst. But I've been strangling them down for the last month and it hasn't helped, so maybe throwing them out there will catalyze them better.

Any advice? And as always, I'm here for you, rooting! gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com

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