As I suspected, my friend Kurt found out through one of our old coworkers who used to be with Toby. The way I understand it is, my coworker had gotten mad at Toby after he said that he'd told me about their relationship (or whatever it was), and so Toby said something like, "It's okay though, because GMP is gay too." Funny consolation prize, that. And then my coworker had mentioned it to Kurt briefly, perhaps before realizing what he'd said. I dunno. Whatever the case, I've already spoken with them both about keeping quiet and they responded positively.
I called Toby Friday morning to confront him about it. I asked him what made him feel like it was okay to tell the coworker that I was gay, and what made him feel like it was justified in telling me about my coworker. I told him that I repeatedly imposed him not to tell people about me, a request I know he disobeyed twice and I suspect perhaps more than that. He said that it just came up. I reject that. I refuse to accept that, and I told him so. His sleepy response? "Could we talk about this later?"
Well, no, Toby, we can't talk about this later. I am not going to bring it up ever again. I am going to remove you completely from my life. I am going to extract myself from our circle of friends and the extracurricular activities we participate in. Before, I passively removed myself from your sphere of influence; now I intend never to see you again.
Contrary to how it sounds, I'm not angry. I was, but I'm not anymore. I'd love to hear some kind of apology from Toby, but they're always fraught with excuses: "I'm sorry, but...." I'm giving up hope that I ever will get a straight response from him and I'm moving on to greener pastures and more loyal friends. I probably would have elected to keep my coworker and Kurt out of my circle, but as before, they're respectful and non-judgmental people, so I'll be fine. And I'll be lucky to have them in my circle of support as well. These things generally have a tendency of working themselves out anyway.
GMP. I've been following your blog and have wanted to comment a few times before but never quite got around to it. If I had a would probably have said that I think Toby is a douche. Perhaps a loveable yet rougish douche, but a douche all the same.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't really seem to have your best interests at heart. If he did he wouldn't be as manipulative as he is. I truly think you will be better off spending less time with him. It might be hard to do, and you may even feel guilty doing it, but your happiness is important.
I want to commend you on your strength. Just don't beat yourself up so much. You seem a good guy, whatever choices you make
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment.
I realize I present a very one-sided perspective of who Toby is as a person and I've been trying really hard not to be a jealous-ex-girlfriend type who launches a smear campaign against him. I say this not to defend his poor actions but to acknowledge that he is a very damaged and complex individual.
He is out of my life as of right now and I intend for it to stay that way, but know that he is not the one-sided villain I present here. He has goodness, but you're right, he is a douche, haha.