Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Fast and the Furious

I've been corresponding with Kurt, a friend of mine, for awhile now.  He was one of my co-workers and roommates when I lived in the South and we got to be pretty good friends before he moved back to native England.  He and I had some pretty funny conversations, including one where we and another of our roommates discussed the hot-list of Hollywood starlets for about three hours (another roommate remarked, "Well, at least I know you're not gay."  Ha).

Anyway, a few months ago, Kurt and I were chatting via Facebook and I kind of expressed some of my concerns about going to a Church school where there's very little tolerance for liberalism of any kind.  Later that night, he sent me a message, telling me that he was gay.  He said that he felt so much pressure to be good from members of the Church to live a good straight life, but then realized that he was living that life for the wrong reasons and so decided to initiate a relationship with another man.  This all happened within a few days of Toby and I coming out to each other, so I was really feeling a lot of gay influence around me.  It wasn't a bad experience, it was just a side of the world I'd never really been privy to.  All of a sudden, Toby, Kurt, and one other of my friends came out to me, all in the course of about a week, and it was surprising, confusing, and a little refreshing.

I contemplated telling Kurt that I too felt the same way sometimes, but decided that I should just be supportive and not make the conversation about me.  Besides, Toby's friendship was already starting to turn toxic and I didn't want to risk losing Kurt, too.  Instead, I told Kurt that even though I felt like he was choosing a path that might not be the best, I was thrilled that he was so happy with his newfound fulfilling relationship, and I am.  Sometimes I even feel a little jealous (although his boyfriend is sooooo not my type).  I agree too that he shouldn't "be" straight because of the pressure of his peers, but I also wonder if he should seek a different perspective, a different reason to resist.  Different strokes for different folks, though.  I'm not in his shoes and I don't know all the reasons he chose to find happiness through a gay lifestyle, so I am in no place to judge.  I'm happy he's happy.

Tonight, he wrote me a message that he'd heard through someone else that I was gay.  He said that if it was true, he was supportive and knew how I felt, and that if it wasn't true, he'd drop the subject.  I have no idea how to respond.  First off, I'm 99% sure where the rumor came from; one of our other friends at work dated Toby for a few months and I know they still talk.  So I'm fairly almost completely certain that Toby has been telling people about me.  I already know he told one person after I asked him to keep it in confidence, so what should stop him from telling someone else?

I have no proof of this.  I still haven't responded to Kurt so I don't know where he got his information.  I don't want to talk to Toby about it until I know a little more, lest I sound like a paranoid, jealous psycho. But still, I was so sure that Toby had told people about me and it just made me angrier and angrier.

The most poetically just part of the night is that right now, we're learning about the culture of Spain in my Spanish class and were given the assignment to listen to flamenco music, so accompanying my rage was the passionate sound of guitar and castanet, ha.

I tried to focus on my schoolwork.  I got up and splashed cold water in my face, uttering a low, "f--- you" to the universe before realizing I wasn't alone in the BYU restroom (oops).  I ran a lap around the library, trying to calm down a little.  And then I got in my car and went for a drive.  The old girl and I dawdled around town for awhile before steering towards the mountains, the most calming music I could find playing on the radio.  I just got home a few minutes ago.  I'm still confused and I have no idea if I should care about how Kurt found out and if I should be honest with him or if I should keep my privacy a little or if I care if Toby has been telling people, etc.  The anger has passed and now I think it's just time for sleep; hopefully perspective comes in the morning.

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