Saturday, December 1, 2012

Walking down the aisle...

Today was a very special day.  Two of my best friends got married in the temple today. Their path to marriage was hard-fought and required a lot of faith for both parties that the decision they made was the right one. As they faced each hardship in their relationship head on, they occasionally expressed doubts about their viability as a couple, but by putting complete trust in each other and in the plan laid out for them, they found themselves grow closer to each other and to God.

At their reception tonight, they positively glowed. As I wrapped him in my arms, he told me how happy he was and how at peace he was with his decision to marry her.  And then I kissed her cheek as she pulled me close for a hug, visibly overwhelmed with joy. If they continue to trust in each other and treat each other with the respect they do right now, they will be just fine and all of those doubts they may have had in past years will melt away.

They had a short ring ceremony before their reception and as she walked down the grand staircase towards her new husband, I swelled with joy at their happiness. They are both so beautiful, truly some of the kindest people I've ever been friends with. Seeing their joy become a bit more full in those sacred covenants they made filled me with all kinds of warm fuzzies.

Last night, I was discussing marriage with a friend. I somewhat cavalierly said that if I wasn't gay, there'd be every chance that I'd be married right now. I have been in love with love since I was 9 years old on the playground and as a young teenager I thought about my wedding and the flowers and colors and location and music way more than might be normal for boys. Ever since I was a tot, my primary goal out of life was to follow the advice of Ahbez via David Bowie and learn how to love and be loved in return.

And yet, seeing my two friends seal the deal stirred up no feelings of jealousy or bitterness towards them. They are ready for marriage. They have done the necessary preparations and have put in the time towards not only finding the one, but also towards making themselves someone else's the one. Their marriage is built on something solid, not only interest in each other, but in themselves as well.

If I got married tomorrow, I am not being self deprecating when I say that my marriage would be built on a cracked foundation of inadequacy and selfishness. And it's not a matter of religious repression either. Whether gay or straight, the marriage would probably be doomed to fail.

So, instead of feeling bitter and lonely that I'm still single, instead I'm going to try to work towards being the husband I want to be. I'm nowhere near ready to be married yet, but, as the penitent sinner hears so frequently, it's not where you are on the path so much as the direction in which you travel.

I'm excited to be married someday, whenever it happens and whatever form it takes. In the meantime, I know that there's a lot I can do to prepare myself to be the one to someone else.

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