Saturday, December 29, 2012

Backstory: 1989-1995

I've been reading a few blogs lately that aren't as topical as mine, that is, they don't necessarily deal with events in real time like my blog sometimes does.  They tell stories, share memories, explain background in the hopes of either airing dirty laundry, providing contextual feedback or trying to find answers.  I'm kind of curious how that feels, getting everything down on virtual paper and seeing if there's some hidden meaning in there.

So I think I'll try it, starting from the beginning and telling the story. Frankly there's not much to tell, but maybe it'll help me. Or maybe it'll be a gigantic waste of time.  Who knows?

Birth to age 6

So there's not a ton to tell from this time period. Insofar as I remember, I had a great childhood. I had good relationships with both of my parents and I still very distinctly remember going on dates with my mom to craft stores, fast food joints (she once drove to three different McDonald's to find a Happy Meal that had Hot Wheels cars), and to the zoo or museums or to see daytime plays at my siblings' school.  My dad and I were buds. We took bike rides fairly frequently and we talked cars a lot. Even then, I was obsessed with cars and I probably have my dad to blame thank for that. My brothers and I didn't always  get along, but I still remember the one just older than me having lots of fun drawing cars and airplanes and playing Gameboy together. My sister's always been my best bud since I was born, so nothing new there. And my oldest brother, even though he was 12 years my senior, was usually pretty nice and I remember spending time with him listening to music in his room (probably much to my parents' chagrin, I owe my love of Sublime, 311 and Smashing Pumpkins to him).  I am the sum product of my family's interactions with me and for that I'm grateful. The net result has been positive, I'd say.

I had friends in the neighborhood. I was a pretty normal kid, although I'm sure I was sedentary far too much for how many people there were to play with around me. I don't exactly remember what I did for fun. I wasn't keen on sports then, as now, and I wasn't much for video games either. I remember riding my bike around the neighborhood for hours on end, probably pretending my two-wheeler was really a Mercedes-Benz C36 or something.

(This feels awkward to write)

I remember having a couple experiences with kids in the neighborhood that were innocent, but probably telling of who I was to become. I played doctor with most of my friends when I was little, I remember. I could probably draw up a list of five or six other kids who saw my li'l fella. I've heard playing doctor is a normal stage in kids' lives, but if I'm honest, it feels weird that it happened. I have no idea if I did it more or less frequently than other little kids, but I feel like I'm the only one in the world who ever did it.

I have no idea if it contributed to who I am or if it was just a manifestation of who I already was, but I do remember as a kid being much more fascinated with the private parts of the other boys I hung out with than the girls. In fact, I remember the same curiosity with adults in the locker room whenever I'd go swimming as a boy. Again, no idea if it was the cause or the symptom. Playing doctor took a hiatus after age six, I'd say. I don't remember any real sexual contact being present either, except for one of my friends who kissed me once when we were playing. I dunno.

(That was awkward to write)

In sum, I had a pretty normal first six years. They were good. Frankly, I don't remember being a very happy child, but looking back, I'm not sure why I wasn't. I had it made back then! What I wouldn't give to go back to a time when I could draw cars and play with Star Wars toys for hours on end without feeling guilty!


  1. Good post. I think you will profit from writing about this. And your blog should, after all, be for your profit no? For the record, I played doctor too when I was little. All the "patients" I remember were other boys. There might have been a little girl thrown in their for variety, but I can't be sure. And I'm glad you have good memories of your oldest brother.

    1. I am too. We continue to make good memories and for that I'm grateful. The way you phrased it makes me wonder if the same is true of you?

  2. Although I never played doctor, it doesn't seem weird at all. Instead, I learned about anatomy from looking at pictures in my family's encyclopedia at age five. I don't remember ever feeling attracted to guys when I was that young, but I practically idolized my older brothers friends or some of the priests in the ward. I recall once carefully deciding which one was my favorite. I never had any sexual experiences or anything that would lead me to think that it caused my homosexuality, so I'm quite sure that it's just my nature.
    Hope this method helps you learn things about yourself.


Be nice, mmmmkay? I allow anonymous comments, but not anonymous (or even attributed) douchebaggery. The Gay Mormon Pioneer's tolerance for hate and venom are incredibly low, but his love of communication and debate are high, so have an opinion, but be kind and gentle when you share it.

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