After one heck of a Christmas road trip we are finally back home.
So, confession time. I'm not happy, again. No big deal, it's just another phase of discouragement and I'm sure it'll pass as I keep on keeping on, but there's definitely some motivation behind this discouragement, namely the temptation to get physical (and maybe emotional) with another man. God in His wisdom knows how lonely this whole gay thing can be and I hope that He understands and is patient when I fail or when I retreat inside myself to work all this crap out. My parents, not so much.
But I figured that I'm trying to be open and honest with them, so I'd better let them in on everything, right? And since I didn't want to ruin Christmas, what better time than on the car ride home the day after? And since I should only give them the truth they're ready for, let's leave out the part about the guy I text non-stop and am really attracted to.
But nope. None of that happened. I said nothing for the full drive. I had a captive audience and said nothing. Nothing of how lonely I felt and how I just wanted some companionship. Nothing of how dissatisfying the options are that a gay Mormon has for his future. Nothing of how reading the scriptures didn't help as much as I wanted them to or how wishy-washy and noticeably silent the Church is regarding homosexuality (mormonsandgays.org is a great tool for non-gay Mormons to understand others, but for the gay ones, it's just stuff we've already heard. Still awesome though).
It's just hard. It's okay for one minute, then it's not. It seems insurmountable now, but later it'll seem doable. It's this totally wicked roller coaster of self-doubt and confidence. I don't know why I wanted to tell them that, but I did. I guess maybe to prepare them for the very real possibility that someday I might feel differently about God than I do today, or something like that.
I dunno, man. I just dunno. I guess I don't have to, but it sure would be nice.
I've been in similar situations before, with potential captive audiences. Times when once the conversation has started there would be no escaping it, and I have bottled it. The words have been on the very tip of my tongue. The sentences rehearsed in my head, the words forming at my lips and I've said nothing. For me, the fear of what the response might be has been enough to keep me silent. That and I hate being a burden on others. I'd much rather be a martyr and suffer in silence, not putting my junk onto somebody else.
ReplyDeleteAll this lead me to some horrible places. My advice would be to spend sometime with your own thoughts. Make sure things are clear in your own mind, and then share those thoughts. You can never control somebody else's reactions and responses. All you are able to have a handle on is what you say and do. We can't walk these paths alone, no matter how hard we try.
The church can give us a lot. It can provide for our spiritual, intellectual, educational and emotional needs. But it cannot replace the needs we have for physical contact with another human being within a loving connection. Sometimes this physical connection only needs to be holding a hand of a guy we feel for and sometimes we need more. However this all pans out for you, keep hold of righteous happiness, and i believe that comes when two people mutually love and respect one another.
But they are my thoughts...and I'm notoriously an independent thinker.
Sending my love and prayers x
Imagine if - and I know this is terrifying - but just imagine for one second if you were to leave the Mormon Church. You would lose friends probably and your family would not be happy. You'd lose a social life. You'd lose, no doubt, a sense of salvation and of pleasing God.
ReplyDeleteBut keep imagining. Imagine living an ethical and godly life as a gay man in a gay relationship. Millions do and it is every bit as authentic as what the Mormon Church has to offer, despite what you have been told. God is with you no matter what church you are or aren't in. you would find a new community eventually, a new place to belong.
Just imagine. But be careful of those who are invested in making sure that this never happens - no matter how nice they are. And I believe they are nice.
I'm assuming this is the same Anonymous who has commented a few times today. I appreciate your perspective. As you've read more of my story, I'm sure you've noticed that I have imagined that rather frequently. I have those dreams. The great part about those dreams is that as I come out to more and more people, the overwhelming (as in 100%) majority say that they're proud of my bravery and still love me, then are surprised when I tell them I'm staying in the church. They assume when I come out that I'm leaving and their first response is always an expression of love. So imagining these possibilities is not difficult for me.
DeleteThank you for your perspective again. I'm glad you have found a sense of peace and I only hope that you and others around me will be pleased with the outcome when I find mine. If not, well, then that's a shame, but it's one I can live with.