Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve resolution

It's hard for me to look back on the past year with a good attitude, because the last month of it royally sucked.  I felt like I was in high school again for all the drama that was going around (much of it caused by myself, by my own admission).  But if I dig deep, I can remember some good things I learned and did.  There's some great memories 2012 helped create.

So now that it's the new year, I'm going to make some resolutions.  I'm not going to commit to giving up porn or masturbation, nor am I going to promise to serve a mission, graduate from college or advance in my job. I'm done resolving to hit the gym three times a week and pack on 20 pounds of muscle; I likewise am not going to tell myself I'm going to run a marathon this year.  Those are all resolutions that, while perhaps reasonable, have been steeped in failure every time I try.

This year, I'm going to take a lot of pressure off of myself and resolve to be more selfish.  About a billion people will disagree with me when I say this, but I can sometimes be a doormat.  The major problem with that is that whenever I let myself be a doormat, usually to spare someone's feelings or prevent their pain, it always ends up being worse for both of us than if I showed some self-respect and hurt their feelings a little.

The situation in which I think this kind of selfishness will be useful to both me and others doesn't really matter, but suffice it to say that by trying to spare another person's feelings, I've often caused more harm than good in the long run. I feel like by being a little more, what's the word, forthcoming with others, I might get a reputation for being a jerk, but my current reputation is a bit less savory, so it'd be a step in the right direction.  I guess the trick now will be to learn how to be gentle in expressing my feelings.

I'm really tired of having to apologize for those feelings because I didn't tell the truth in the first place.  Selfish asshole is a little more tolerable to me than lying asshole, anyway.

3 comments:

  1. Can't say that I've heard that new years resolution before. Good luck with that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Seems every gay male Mormon thinks they are addicted to masturbating and porn. First, masturbating is normal. Second, when your church basically forces you to deny living out who you are, you are going to masturbate and look at porn. In essence, the church has caused what you consider an addiction. Were you able to live out your gay life as a straight person would live out their straight life, the porn/masturbation would naturally quiet down. Really.

    ReplyDelete

Be nice, mmmmkay? I allow anonymous comments, but not anonymous (or even attributed) douchebaggery. The Gay Mormon Pioneer's tolerance for hate and venom are incredibly low, but his love of communication and debate are high, so have an opinion, but be kind and gentle when you share it.

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