I've been wanting to write a second post about gender confusion for a long time now. In the church, gender confusion and homosexuality often get lumped into the same category, which has always bothered me, but for different reasons then than now. Before, I was annoyed that I had to share definition within the church with a struggle I don't identify with or understand, but now, I'm annoyed that the church isn't giving gender confusion its due compassion like it does with homosexuality. For the purposes of this post, gender confusion will be defined as the desire to change to the opposite gender, and transgender will refer to those who have undergone such a change.
When I first started coming out to myself and to other people, I was always very concerned that they'd assume that I wanted to be a girl. I was happy being a guy and had no desire to change that, even if becoming a girl meant that I could like other guys and still be straight. Thus, the thought of being gender confused turned into something I had to vehemently deny, and as such, gender confusion became something that kind of repulsed me. I always had a problem with the acronym "LGBT," which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender, because I felt like people who were transgendered had a different set of issues to deal with, versus people who were lesbian, gay, and bisexual. I kind of wanted a separation from those who were born into one gender but felt more affinity to another. I fear my earlier post, linked above, may have perpetuated that desire for aloofness from those who are genuinely gender confused more than is either necessary or Christlike.
In the spirit of full disclosure, there is a hell of a lot that I don't understand about gender confusion. It's not something I deal with, having happily been a guy for about 22.7 years. I have never felt the desire to be a girl more than just occasionally, and never for anything but trivial reasons. And I will also admit (with shame) that being around people who are transgendered makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
However, today, someone searched with the keywords, "lds gender confusion." They found the aforelinked blog post and spent some time reading it. Tonight, when I checked my blog and saw that statistic, I thought about that person and what information (or misinformation) they got from my words. All of a sudden, my heart was filled with love for that person. Maybe it was a young women's leader doing some research, but it also could have been a person genuinely confused and scared of what their church and friends and family would think about them if they knew. To that person, and to any other reader who may feel the same way, I'd like to apologize and I'd like to say that I love you. My heart goes out to you, dearest reader, even in my ignorance and misunderstanding of your feelings.
Regardless of the choices you make in life, you are a human being, male or female, and that alone makes you worthy of love and compassion. If you are currently struggling with gender confusion, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding and misinformation you may take from your friends, family, religious leaders, and members of the community. If you are currently transgendered, I am so sorry for the off-color jokes and disgusted glances you may receive.
While I don't entirely understand your struggle, I do understand the paranoia, fear, and rejection that comes with the territory, and I understand the pain that comes from those disgusted, misinformed remarks and comments you hear. I'm also here to say that it does indeed get better. The ones who love you will continue to love you, and you'll find a way to replace the ones that don't. And, although my convictions compel me to encourage you to look to your God and Savior for comfort, whatever path you choose, the same God and Savior will always love you.
I am crazy busy right now, but in my spare time, I am going to learn more about this erstwhile mysterious challenge that people have to deal with. If anyone has any insight or would like to tell me their story, please, feel free to e-mail me at < gaymormonpioneer at gmail dot com >.
love.
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