My Family, Briefly

I am going to preface this post with a great big

I LOVE MY FAMILY

because it cannot be overstated how important they are to me.

Still, like any family, they all have their moments, as do I, wherein we drive each other batty.  In my family, my mom and my sister are the only ones who have been "authorized" to know what I'm going through.  I'm 99% sure my brother knows as well, because we used to live together and that's a hard thing to hide, especially when you shared a computer and one of you used to be addicted to gay porn and sucked at clearing web history.  So, basically, I have a good support system of three people, two of whom I can actually speak to about it.

My sister is a wonderful person.  She was the first person I ever told about being gay.  And lately, most of our conversations have revolved around queer-mo, poor girl.  Regardless, she's been incredibly supportive and relays nothing but love to me whenever we talk.  She's told me on countless occasions that no matter which path I choose, she will always love me and root for my happiness.  That's a comforting thing to hear, especially when you call her with a confession that you're struggling with.

My mom has also been supportive, but she has a much harder time understanding than my sister.  My mom is blessed with a gift of faith.  Ever since she was a girl, she always just believed the Church was true.  She never really doubts or questions its tenets and puts a lot of trust in its teachings as she formulates her own testimony.  She is independent and strong in the Gospel, but she still has lots of faith.  I admire that.  However, it also makes it difficult for her to understand the motivation behind sin.  

My sister, on the other hand, has been to hell and back and now has a great perspective on coming back to church.  She knows what it's like to have to change, even if your body is motivating you to do that which is wrong.  And even though as a straight woman she will never really understand what it's like for me, she still can apply her acquired wisdom to some of my struggles, as the principle is similar.

Last night, when we were talking on the phone, I told my sister about this event that happened last month.  When I got done, I could almost hear her jaw drop from her face.  There was silence on the other line for a few seconds, which was broken when she said, "Who does Mom think she is?"  My sister has a funny sense of humor and she feels like each of the children in the family have had such bitter struggles because Mom needs to learn how to deal with them. 

Each of us kids has struggled with one or a combination of pornography, poor self-image and depression, infidelity, or violation of the law of chastity.  And my sister, in her twisted, hilarious sense of humor, says that we were given to Mom as children because she needed to learn compassion for the sinners and the weak.  I kind of like that thought, that we are a curse to her.  The vindictive part of me thinks that's pretty funny.

Lest you have the wrong idea, my family is incredibly supportive.  My mom, after I told her that I was gay but was still trying to do my best, started researching the subject.  She even read In Quiet Desperation in an effort to learn how to effectively help me or at least support me.  And I feel her prayers for me every day of my life.  I know she is looking out for my happiness the best way she knows how and I appreciate that so deeply.  

We are all muddling through this life, with its struggles and heartaches, the best way we know how and we act upon the knowledge with which we are endowed.  And we all need to make allowances for the weaknesses in others, knowing that not everyone knows what we know.  My mom needs to make so many allowances for me in my doubt and mistrust it's not even funny.  So for me to deny her mercy for her lack of understanding would be the height of ingratitude and selfishness.  

I have five incredibly supportive people who share my blood, and three of them know intimately what is going on for me and what I face.  That solidarity makes me incredibly grateful; I could waste time childishly complaining that my parents don't understand me, but to do so would be to ignore the blessings of support I receive already.

Some Thoughts I've Had This Week

This week, I went on a retreat for a volunteer activity I'm involved in now.  There were your typical getting-to-know-you games, funny confessions of embarrassing moments, a meat-and-cheese sandwich lunch, skits, the whole, Mormon-roadshow nine yards.  It was a really fun day that has me excited to work with the other volunteers for two hours a week.

At the end of the retreat, there was a congregational meeting and spiritual thought given over the power of volunteering and the similarity to the Atonement that service to others has.  It was a pretty good meeting, one that made me feel good for volunteering, but there wasn't anything too earth-shaking or faith-affirming given in the meeting until the very end.  A video about the Atonement was shown, and if I'm honest, it wasn't a video I was really interested in watching.

Lately, spiritual experiences have been very bitter for me.  Part of that is related to my current status as a sinner, but much of it comes from this feeling of abandonment I've felt for the last few weeks. I know that Heavenly Father will never forsake me, and yet, for the last several days, I've felt lonely and depressed.  I've spent some nights checking my phone and my Facebook every three minutes, hoping someone texted or someone sent me a message or a chat.

In any case, the video about the Atonement played.  I experienced every emotion I expected: marvel at the Savior's strength in the Garden, shock and horror at the awful events on Golgotha, joy and peace on Sunday morning, and hope that someday I too can experience that peace in real life.  But after the video, a quote was shown on the screen.  It was taken from an address given by then-Elder Henry B. Eyring:

"Whether or not you choose to always remember Him, He will always remember you."

What a perfect way to end the meeting!  I felt real tears, rather than the rote ones from before, begin to wet my eyes.  I could feel my throat choke up a little bit.  My body's twitching and fidgeting began to subside.  A strangely bitter peace washed over me: bitterness for the lack of reverence I've had lately for my Savior, but peace knowing that He would wait for me to come to Him.

Then, a few days later, at the campus devotional, one of the hymns was, "Master, the Tempest is Raging."  A line in the chorus struck me:  "No waters can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and skies."

Am I a ship wherein the Master lies?  If so, then nothing can swallow me up.  I fully admit that I have lots and lots of work to do in that regard, but if I strive to be a vessel in which the Lord can dwell, then what need have I to fear?

 Robert C. Oaks, a former member of the Quorum of the Seventy, has this to say on the matter:

"The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a gospel of fear; rather it is a gospel of joy, peace, and hope."

Amen.

Car of the Moment

So, lately, lots of my blogging has been deep, introspective, heavy, and over dense and complicated subjects.  I look at lots of my friends' blogs and see pictures of them fishing, graduation announcements, baby photos, and all kinds of "fun" stuff.  Now, obviously, I can't post pictures of myself or announce my activities, because that would give me away, something I don't want to do.  But, goshdarnit, I'm gonna be lighthearted at the very least.

I love cars.  I love love love them.  Someday, I hope to work in the automotive industry, but I hate math, so engineering's out, and I'm not very good at drawing, so design probably is too.  So it might have to just be a hobby, something to keep me sane after a day at the office or whatever.

Regardless, right now, the objects of my affection are '60s American "compacts."  I saw a 1964 Mercury Comet convertible on eBay a few weeks ago and it had me breaking my piggy bank, looking under couch cushions, and checking my trade-in value on Edmunds to see if there'd be any way I could swing the Buy-It-Now price of $10,500.  She was black with red bucket seats and white top, and a little red pinstripe tattoo running down the side and back of the car.  289 V8, 4-speed manual transmission, unassuming steel wheels with chrome hubcaps.  I could just see myself, cruising over to Sonic, my friends piled in and waiting for those delicious slushes and milkshakes, with some Jack Johnson or Ke$ha playing on the radio (You never know what the mood of the car will be.  Make sure your music's prepared.) (That could totally be a slogan for iTunes).

I'm also totally into Ford Falcons, Chevy Corvairs and Dodge Darts.  Like I said, those older American compacts really have me going.  But then, there will always be a place in my heart for the 1963 Buick Riviera.  Mine would be silver with a black leather interior.  And my garage will always have a small space set apart for when I come across the perfect MG-TC roadster at the perfect price.

This is going to be a regular segment, I think.  Cars are probably the only things that can effectively compete with queer-mo for my attention, so it's only fitting that they get some brainlove too...

Not the exact car, but you get the idea...

Same-Gender Attraction? A Young Adult Mormon Perspective

I was sitting in my class on the family and we were talking about gay marriage.  I was actually really looking forward to the class on Thursday for that reason, even though a few days ago I posted about how much I was dreading it.

We were talking about nature versus nurture and whether or not gays were "born this way."  One girl politely said that she didn't understand how someone would choose a life like that, which to me implied that she didn't think it was a choice, and another girl countered by saying that we all have a choice, a comment which confused me a little.  Did she mean that we all have a choice whether or not to yield to temptation, or that we all had a choice of what we should let tempt us?  I decided to be brave and try to clear the air a little bit.  

I raised my hand and when Brother R. called on me, I said that "my cousin" was an active member of the Church who also was a non-practicing gay and he and I had lots of conversations on the matter.  For simplicity's sake, I'll just tell the story from my point of view, rather than that of "my cousin," as I did in class.

I told them that I never knew a time of my life that I didn't feel attracted to other men, even as a child before those attractions were sexualized at all.  I said that even though I felt occasional attractions to really unique and special girls, I never really felt a whole lot of drive to kiss them or anything, like I did with men, and that those feelings seemed to be prevalent throughout every stage of my life.  I also acknowledged that I know some people who through sexual abuse, curiosity, or other means may have developed homosexual tendencies in life, rather than acquiring them innately.

And yet, I know that no matter the source of the temptation, sin is never justifiable.  Just as a man born with nymphomania directed at women shouldn't use that as an excuse for sleeping around, so should gay people keep their covenants as well.

(For the record, I know there's a lot of back-and-forth happening on this blog.  Some days I feel mad that I can't be gay and some days I feel like I never would want to break my covenants.  Don't point it out, I already know it's going on.)

Regardless, my comment seemed to placate the class a little bit.  The subject moved to the Church's stance on gay marriage.  A few weeks ago, there was an article in Deseret News, a church-owned newspaper, on the leadership of the Church coming out (take that, terminology!) in support of equal rights among partnered gays regarding hospital visitation, next-of-kin, and taxes, among other things.  I raised my hand again and asked Brother R. why this was, after all of the moral, unofficial support the Church gave to Proposition 8 in California.  His answer confused me; he said, "The Church will always believe in equal rights for everyone.  We believe in agency and we want to allow that agency to all of God's children.  But we draw the line at marriage, a sacred, religious institution from God."

I don't know, maybe it's the 24-hour Vegas sex marriages that some BYU students undertake or the better-than-half divorce rate among married couples or the scores and scores of shotgun weddings that go on all over the world every day, but I kind of feel like the sanctity-of-marriage ship has sailed a long time ago. If that's the battle platform, the Church doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

Is it just the word?  Would the Church support "legal domestic partnership" or "gayrriage"?  (Why don't we call it a commitment ceremony?  That way, when Adam and Steve are on the way to the courthouse, we can say that they're being "committed.") What about gay marriage (or whatever it would be called) among people who believe in God and don't believe that their actions are sinful, and who would like to be married in a religious ceremony?

I don't want to mislead.  I fully acknowledge the right of the Church to only marry people who follow its rules and covenants and I would never expect the church to perform a sealing for a gay couple.  I believe, as Elder Oaks has said, that freedom of religion and speech are being taken away from churches and religious people all over the world.  Political correctness says that we as Mormons can't talk about anything we believe, in case someone might get offended.  And I do believe that we as Mormons need to guard against that.  We can't excuse sin or condone its practice, nor can we support sin in sacred places like temples.

I am just a little confused about what I see as double-talk among the Church leadership.  I don't understand why the Church supports equal rights and unofficially campaigns against it at the same time. It's not enough to shake my faith or anything (at least today), but it doesn't rest well on me. Thoughts?

Also, Brother R. said to me after my first comment that I might gently suggest to my cousin that he not identify himself as gay, but instead say that he deals with same-gender attraction.  Again, is it just the word choice?  Because to a man who suffers from "same-gender attraction" like me, they're one and the same and one just sounds a whole lot more pretentious.

Word choice, man.  The Church is all about it.

Inspiring People II - Amber and Lucas

Amber and Lucas are another amazing married couple that I know through one of my friends.  I met Amber a few years ago in another state and I met her husband later and have hung out with them on a few occasions.  They are a delightful happy couple who always find joy, even in mundanity and in pain.   They are, both on the surface and inside, utterly happy with their lives.  This blog post has made me guffaw out loud every time I read it, including when I'm distracted in math class (Sorry, Sister B____).

Read this if you have a few extra minutes, then come back.  It's the bittersweet story of their daughter Molly.  I'll let the events speak for themselves, but just say that their confidence and faith is inspiring in the sweetest and most poignant way.

(By the way, I promise I don't mean to be inspired by parents in difficult situations.  It's people who maintain faith in the crucible of pain that I'm inspired by)

I'm just going to reflect a little on my feelings as I read Molly's story the first time.  I was living with my brother and his wife at the time.  His wife met Amber once upon a time and had maintained casual contact, and she mentioned that one of her acquaintances had been going through a rough time.  I started reading and crying a little bit and suddenly realized, "I know this girl too!"  Suddenly, this picture of a family on the page had more meaning and the story came more intensely.  Even now, I can feel the emotions welling up a little bit inside me.

I devoured the story, tears running down my face, as my brother, sister-in-law, and I read page after page of inspiring, sobering, humbling, and gratitude-inducing events in Amber and Lucas' life.  Gratitude for the knowledge that we have about forever families, gratitude that Amber and Lucas had that same knowledge to bear them up as well, gratitude that the members of my family have their health and have been blessed to know each other in mortality, and gratitude that no matter what our mortal family's status, our eternal family can have increase and progression forever.

One of my favorite things about Amber and Lucas is that they insist (and rightfully so) that Molly is still a part of their family and that they are still parents even in her absence.  They know that mortality is not a limiting factor to an eternal family.

I still I have about a million questions, but watching a family go through hell, but with that heavenly perspective, inspires me to follow suit.  I wonder often about the course of my life, but I hope it includes such a view of the world as Amber and Lucas have.

Cuando Tentaciones Rujan con Furor...

I am taking a Spanish class for the first time since high school in the hopes that it'll prepare me for a Spanish-speaking mission (shoot, I've just jinxed it) and I love it.  I love the language.  It's so logical and simple, yet it is incredibly expressive and emotional (and sometimes really sexy).  Seriously.  I love Spanish.

Before class each day, we sing a hymn in Spanish before prayer, which also is done in Spanish.  I like that because you really never would learn prayer language from a Spanish textbook, so this class is giving me some practical applications for the language already.

In any case, we are learning "Cuenta tus Bendiciones" right now.  It's the Spanish language version of "Count Your Blessings,"  but I love it so much more.  The first verse reads, in an extremely rough English translation, "When trouble and pain overwhelm you, when temptations roar with fervor, look at your blessings. Count them and you'll see.  You will have blessings from Jesus."

My favorite part is "when temptations roar with fervor."  I love that the Spanish translation uses the verb "to roar" to describe temptations.  It's descriptive of how temptations feel when we are in their throes.  Have you ever felt your temptations roar at you in such a way that you can't think about anything else?

That was my experience yesterday.  I couldn't stop thinking about Toby.  I knew he wouldn't say no to anything I requested and was so hormonal and wanting for some attention that I seriously considered resuming our cuddling relationship and intensifying it a little, even though I know that it only makes me more attached to him and it makes it more difficult for both of us to keep our covenants.  Still, that temptation roared within my head and I couldn't think about anything else.

The good news is that I didn't call him.  Instead, I found a coping mechanism.  I live at the bottom of a hill and last night I discovered that running up it is really difficult.  It's a long, steady 4% grade and by the time I got to the top, my legs were shaking, my knees were buckling, and my lungs burned for the panting and puffing to which my inadequate respiratory system was subjected.  All I could think about then was how much I hated myself for going for a jog, haha. Progress, right?

Anyhow, the night went much smoother after that.  I was able to sit down and do my homework without much more distraction and I could see Toby's and my relationship in a much clearer light.  My motivation for gratification ceased to be only about physical attraction and became more spiritual and emotional, which is just what I needed.  I'm still hung up a little bit on him and on gay in general, but the roaring has ceased and is now just an occasional snarl.  I'll take it.

Gender Confusion

UPDATE, July 15, 2017: I'm more than a little ashamed of this post. I won't be taking it down because I don't want to revise history, but my thoughts on this subject have evolved. Read more in this post, dated January 9, 2012, and this one, dated July 15, 2017.

Today in my Eternal Families class (because they have those at BYU schools, naturally) we started a new unit on gender and eternal identity.  I love gender studies.  I love learning about the chemical and anatomical differences between men's and women's brains.  I love the science behind it and I like postulating on the theories of people much smarter than I am about what, empirically, makes up that ethereal and seemingly unquantifiable difference between men and women.

In spite of that, I am not excited for this unit for several reasons.  I know it's going to lead to a lot of discussion on same-gender attraction and I tend to REALLY hate talking about that subject with students at BYU schools.  In spite of the professor's best intentions or, unfortunately, because of the professor's woeful misinformation, the discussions always lead to vilification of gay people, both latent and open.  I clench my fists, swear under my breath, contemplate storming out, etc., nearly every time the subject is brought up in church or class.

Today in our class meeting, we had a poll question to which we had to respond about what we felt was the Church's stance on same-gender attraction.  To my surprise and delight, only two percent of students said that same-gender attraction was sinful.  In fact, the majority said that they thought the Church encouraged all people of all different types to live the Gospel, regardless of their specific challenges.  I am impressed by their open-mindedness.  However, 19% felt like same-gender attraction was a choice, and for me and many of the other gay men I know, it's nothing of the kind.  Still, the polls make me feel a little more comfortable with this unit.

Now, the main concern in my mind is the discussion on gender confusion that will be forthcoming this week.  I feel like there is a lot of misinformation among members of the Church and the world at large about the gender identity of gay people.  I quote this week's hilarious episode of Modern Family:  "There's nothing gays hate more than when people treat us like women!"

I am gay, yes, but I am also a man.  Anatomically speaking, I have two testicles and a penis and my sex organs produce sperm, not eggs.  I am aggressive and impulsive.  I love cars and I love watching baseball on TV or going to any ball game.  I like rock music.  I want a big truck.  I love playing frisbee and going snowboarding.  I like fashion, but I choose clothes that show my masculinity, not muddy it.  There are few things I like more than barbecuing a red steak on a hot day.  And I'm not even very  "flaming."  By and large, looking at my personality and recreational activities, you'd see that I am a man and I have no desire to change that about myself.  In fact, just about the only thing not traditionally manly about me is my attraction to men.

So why, then, does homosexuality get lumped in with gender confusion all the time?  I am not gender confused.  I know who I am and I am not confused about it.  I don't want to be a girl, a boi, a twink, a mangina, a shemale, a crossdresser, etc.  I want to be a man.  While I admit that viewed through the looking glass of Church doctrine, which I believe, my desire to be emotionally and physically intimate with another man is a pretty serious case of misdirected affection, I don't see how it relates to my status as a male.  I'd really love if the discussions in this class don't lead to people thinking gays want to be more like women, but given the depth of the material we're working with and the fallible minds of the freshmen in my class, I don't have a lot of optimism that it won't happen.  (Note:  I don't consider myself infallible, as that previous statement makes me sound.)

I suppose time will tell.  At least they don't think I'm sinful for wanting what I do.

Gay Fast

This weekend, I decided to go on a gay fast.  I decided not to post on my blog, read others' posts/journals on the subject, or try and talk to anyone about the struggle.  I focused my energy on mere living and on studying other, more reputable avenues of perspective, like the scriptures, words of the prophets, and books approved and published by the Church.  I had high hopes for the weekend.  I thought that if I just left it all behind for a few days, the temptations and frustrations would subside through sheer distance alone. I wondered if maybe my problems were a result of my constant dwelling on them and I wanted to put some space in between them and me.

I've come away with mixed feelings.  I definitely think that reading Gospel messages on the subject has been helpful, but the issue deals with volume.  There's just not that much out there approved and published by the Church to really acquire a great library of information on the subject of homosexuality.  By contrast, there are dozens of blogs that address the subject through varying degrees of eternal perspective, and they all contain truth.  Reading church material on the subject was at best hypothetically insightful and at worst frustrating for the lack of personal application.

I must admit, I failed somewhat at putting distance between me and gay.  A friend texted me some pretty salacious material, material I didn't ask for or welcome. While I didn't dwell on it and I removed it from my phone immediately, the memory of the picture he sent still ran through my head more than I would have liked. It also led to what could have become a pornography binge, as I became really tempted to seek out more material like what my friend sent.  And it led to a fight between him and me, as I can't have my friends actively trying to tempt me like he was.  That fight was fueled by my feelings of attraction to him as well as by my rage at some insanely disrespectful things he said to me about our relationship as we argued about the night's events. Definitely not a very gay-free environment last night, and thank goodness I was 250 miles away from him because that picture was REALLY tempting.

One of the other things I couldn't help but laugh at was the proliferation of nudity this weekend offered me.  Aside from the aforementioned picture message, I was visiting Provo and driving up to my friend's apartment, when six guys, wearing nothing but tennis shoes and baseball caps, streaked down the quad outside.  Seriously??!?  I can't have one gay-free weekend?

Still, there were some good insights that came.  The first came after the fight with my friend, when I was flipping through my grandpa's old scriptures.  I was pausing at each of the highlighted sections, hoping his insights would speak to me in some way.  I just pleaded, "Please Grandpa, talk to me.  Tell me a secret from the other side."  I found an answer that gave me some comfort in 1 Nephi 11:6, wherein Nephi is shown some of the mysteries of the earth, but it was only because he believed in Jesus Christ that he could see the things of the Spirit.  I appreciated reading this, because I, like almost everyone else, wonder what is coming for me and what this struggle is preparing me for.  I know that I may not find out in advance, but as I put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ, some of those mysteries may be revealed to me in time, just as they were according to Nephi's faith and preparation.

Another came during Sunday School today.  Sometimes it's difficult to feel the Spirit in a student ward's Sunday School, but occasionally the messages come through so clearly that it's difficult to ignore, even among the jovial twitterpations of my peers.  The scriptures are found in Matthew 18.  In verses 8 and 9, Jesus uses a parable to explain how to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven when he advises man to pluck out the offending eye or cut off the offending foot, because "it is better for thee to enter life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire." I think this verse applies to me and my friend.  As much as it pains me to say this, I feel like I need to cut him out of my life to limit his influence on my decisions.  I'll enter life maimed for the lack of a friend, but hopefully it will be worth the sacrifice if things become easier.

Inspiring People I - Ryan and Rachel

FYI on Rach and Ry is a blog written by a friend of a friend, whom I've met a few times in passing.  The blog is written mostly by Rachel as she chronicles her and Ryan's marriage.  My favorite topics are the ones about their pursuit of a forever family.  The details are on the blog and I don't feel like I should share them on mine, but they have had a wonderful, terrifying, inspiring time navigating the world of fertility and adoption.

I found the blog when a mutual friend posted a link to a post written after a few months of particularly trying experiences.  I started reading their blog late at night after I finished homework and would find myself sobbing in commiseration for their sorrow.  A quote that hits me hard every time I read it, as she talks about breaking bad news to their friends:

I didn't want to hear [my friends] say what everyone says , "It will all work out," or "Just have faith--it's all in the Lord's hands," or "It will happen when it's supposed to."  As true as those words may be, they aren't helpful.  Those words trivialize the pain that I am feeling now, in this moment.  Those words make me feel so alone.

I feel the same way sometimes.  I don't want to tell my parents or my siblings about having same gender attraction because I don't want to hear them say that it's all part of God's plan for me.  True or not, God's plan still really hurts sometimes.

Luckily for Rachel and Ryan (and for me), they had understanding friends who expressed their sorrow and shared in their grief with phrases of affirmation like, "This isn't fair," "We're sorry," and "We love you."  

That next day, Rachel posted this.  It neatly follows up the sadness of the day before with the perspective that only a day's time and a mature heart can bring.  She quotes Psalm 30:5 in the title:  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."  What a touching, simple, and inspiring thought.  

Their story has a happy continuation, as they are now adopting a healthy baby boy, due in a few short months.  I look forward to seeing their lives unfold together and can't wait to see their family grow and thrive.  Rachel and Ryan's optimism through what must be one of the hardest trials for a family to go through inspires me to find more joy in my life.

Rachel and Ryan link My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee on their blog.  Have a listen.

Fast and Testimony Meeting

Today was fast and testimony meeting, wherein members of the congregation are welcome to stand and share their testimonies on a number of topics.  Testimony meeting is something I love, but it's also something that can peeve me out, because as you'd expect, giving the floor to a huge group of people usually results in a lot of irrelevance.

Still, there are always those who understand that testimonies are about gospel topics instead of thank yous or personal histories.  There was one of those today that pierced me pretty deep.  A nice looking kid in my ward stood up and started talking about something or other; the previous testimonies had numbed my attention a little and I wasn't paying attention too closely.  What caught my ear was when he started talking about how our anger often gets directed at Heavenly Father for our shortcomings.  He also said that oftentimes, we'll direct our frustrations in our lack of faith at the Lord for letting us have crises of faith.

I do that a lot and I know it's something I should work on.

The young man continued, saying that his anger shouldn't be directed at God when things go awry, as those challenges are meant to strengthen us.  I tend to scoff at those who are grateful for their trials, because trials suck and I like life better when it's easy, but for some reason this guy in my ward convinced me a little bit that he was actually grateful for the growth that results.  This is all stuff I know; I was just grateful that the message came during the small amount of time I was actually paying attention in church today.

This guy's testimony doesn't make homosexuality any easier to navigate and even right now, I'm fighting the urge to get bitter and annoyed because I have to deal with it, but still, hopefully some of what he was talking about will seep into my twisted brain.

While I wasn't paying attention, I decided to write down my testimony.  I didn't really feel like sharing it in front of the ward, mostly because I'm afraid my current bitterness and gayness might show through, but I wanted to have it out there so I could refer to it a little bit.  Here it is:

I have a testimony of God's love for His children.  Amid all the doubt I face about the church and my ability to serve the Lord and endure, I still know that God loves me.  Jesus Christ died for my sins and afflictions and suffered for my sorrows and depression.

I don't know the path my life will take right now, but I do know that God knows what is best and as I pray and do my best to do His will, eventually everything will be okay.

This is the part of my testimony that never has shaken.  I have ALWAYS known that God loves me and I've always had a very strong testimony of the work that Jesus did and does for me.  It's just the submission of myself to the Gospel that's given me trouble in the past.

I'm not going to lie; I'm still holding onto a hope that someday I'll feel that it's okay to be gay.  But I know I won't be able to feel that way without confirmation from the Spirit, so for now my main priority is following God's plan for me as I understand it and figuring out how to live with my issues and concerns regarding the Church's doctrine and lack of information about my struggle.  I know God won't change his will according to my desires, so I'll work on changing mine according to His.