This season, almost my entire family was able to come together for Christmas. My oldest brother and his wife and son weren't there, but everyone else was and it was the most people we've had together in about five years, so it was a rare treat. There were big kids, little kids, and fun older siblings to make Christmas much more exciting and lively than it would be if it were just me and the 'rents, awesome as they are.
Anyway, all of my siblings are married and have been for a few years. Now, even if I weren't the GMP, I'm still not old enough to be married, in my opinion, so I've never had a problem with being single. I enjoy the freedom and ability to do whatever, whenever. I like not having to ask permission (even though I think most of my brothers and sisters only ask permission out of politeness, not necessity), not having to go to bed when someone else gets tired, etc. Occasional loneliness aside, it's a decent life.
In any case, this family gathering was the first one where I felt the difference between me and them. My mom always gives the married kids a book on a gospel topic so that they can build their libraries, and while I know she never means to leave me out, I kind of feel a little jealous when everyone else gets a book my mom enjoyed and found value in. I know the justification is that I can just as easily read my mom's copy as anything else, but it still makes me feel ever-so-slightly like an outcast.
It happened again when we all went skiing. My brother and his wife were curled up in the lodge sipping chocolate, my sister and her husband were shredding down the slopes, and my other brother and his wife were enjoying some cross-country skiing, leaving me the choice to either do my own thing or third-wheel it with someone else. And it happened again whilst playing Just Dance, when each of the couples did a dance together, again leaving me high and dry.
No one ever left me out or excluded me and we did plenty of things as a family throughout the week, including everyone in our adventures. It was a great week. But there were moments of loneliness and pining for a different life situation, one in which it'd be easier to find the perfect mate to add to our already-exciting family group.
That feeling has been coming on more and more recently. The other noteworthy example was attending my friend's wedding, the same friend who I feel could have been the pretty girl to break this beast's spell. All week leading up to the wedding, I hoped she'd "come to her senses" and jilt him, giving me a second chance at a normal life. And then I saw them at their wedding reception. They danced, they kissed, they smiled that smile that says that they each had just made the best decision of their life. I knew I wasn't the one for her, he was. It was (and is) a hard truth to try and live with, that those rare enchanting girls were never meant to be mine. And so it is I wake up alone each day, listening to schmaltzy love songs that have me wishing I could "feel your heartbeat through my shirt," and "taste your lips and feel your skin."
Life is great. I love (almost) every minute of it. Things are getting progressively easier and all is well. But as much as I love falling in love with myself, I certainly wouldn't say no if the right person came into my life.
i just love you.
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