Outed, the July 2012 edition

Yesterday was a big day for gay pride. Maybe not gay pride in general, but GMP's gay pride.

I woke up with a notion that I'd tell my oldest sibling that I was gay. I'd been worried about telling him, because I know he holds some pretty revolutionary thoughts about homosexuality. He's a very open-minded person and I was worried that his acceptance of who I was would lead to him encouraging me to express that homosexual side of myself and lay aside my religious convictions.

But when I told him, he was understanding and respectful of my decision to stay in the church and seek a life of obedience through either celibacy or a mixed-orientation marriage. He expressed skepticism that I could lead a happy or fulfilling life through either option, but he is a very sexually-motivated person, so it makes sense that he might think that way.

We had a discussion about the choices I was making versus the choices he made when he decided to leave the LDS church. Like I said, he has some pretty revolutionary ideas and at length, he came to the conclusion that most members of the LDS church were living in self-deception and that the tenets of the church perpetuated that idea. I have to admit, it was hard to hear him talk that way because he's my brother and I love him and because he was actually making a lot of sense. All I could do was express that I felt like the Spirit was a strong enough witness to override some of my doubts and misgivings and that all I could do was act on what I knew in the moment, which meant doing what I thought would bring me the most happiness.

He's a very loving, sweet individual. He's selfish and willful, but he is such an understanding, nonjudgmental person. I have a lot to learn about him in that respect.

The other thing that was weird is that yesterday, I was working on a school project with a friend from class, a girl that I never really talked to outside of school. A work-wife, if you will. Somehow, we got talking about feminism and gender equality, then transitioned to her conversion and the problems she had to overcome about the role of feminism in the LDS church and the church's treatment of the fringe: liberals, feminists, activists and homosexuals. Somehow, and I genuinely have no idea how or why I did this, I said, "I know what you mean. I'm gay and I've always found it hard to find a way to get over Mormon culture's intolerance."

Uh... what?

Her eyes widened, then lit up. She grabbed my hand and wrapped me in a surprising hug. "I am so happy you told me!" she said, adding that it's important for each of us to know that we're all children of God, regardless of our challenges or beliefs in this life.

Weird, weird day. A friend says it's a sign that I should come out publicly. I say it's a sign that I need to get more sleep so I have more control over my brain-mouth filter. I don't regret coming out to my brother, nor do I regret it with this girl (much, anyway), but it was certainly surprising to hear myself being so cavalier about all of it.

[Written while listening to Midnight Sun, by The Sounds. Highly recommended]