Friday, April 15, 2011

Last Night's Reading

After finishing the blog post last night, I sat down to read In Quiet Desperation.  I'm muddling my way through, but every time I start reading, I fall asleep!  It's a really slow process and it doesn't seem to matter what time of day it is, haha.  Ah well, there are worse things to complain about.

In any case, I struggled my way through the chapter entitled "A God of Miracles" and came across a pretty great scripture reference, found in Mosiah 24:15.  In my scriptures, I highlighted the part that reads "... the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease..."  Through His strengthening, the people of Alma "did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."  Already I know that I need more patience and I need to submit more cheerfully to the Lord's will for me, but it was the portion of the verse on strengthening that hit me the hardest and spoke most clearly of truth for me.

I've said before that it oftentimes feels like the hardest day of my life, and yet I always make it through.  The Lord never leaves me completely alone.  That knowledge makes the next "hardest day of my life" seem a little easier, because I know that I'll make it through with the Lord's help that day as well.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have a pretty good track record for keeping their children safe and taken care of.  Looking back, I can't find a single example of a time when something didn't work out okay in the end.  Somehow, it always does.

The second part of the verse is where I need the most help.  I know the will of the Lord in my life and right now, that will is to be saddled with same-gender attraction.  His will is for me to have to manage my same-gender relationships carefully and to keep friendships within the bounds of propriety.  He wants me to learn to bridle my passions.  It's also His will for me to learn to serve in his kingdom and help His children anywhere I can.  I'm aware of these intentions he has for me.  What I have the most trouble with is forgetting my own wants and submitting myself to His.

Each day, I know I should break ties with friends who drag me down, but those friendships are so fun for me and they fulfill some of those wants I have, and so I just can't bring myself to cutting them off.  I know that there are certain men and women I shouldn't be around because they make it harder for me to maintain an eternal perspective, but those men and women say things I want to hear, so I keep going back for more.  The trick isn't learning the will of the Father, it's submitting yourself to it.

I think the process that's hardest for me is just that.  I don't need to learn His will for me, I need to cheerfully and patiently wait on the Lord and rely on that knowledge that I have that He will strengthen me and that someday, all of those wants for affection and love will be met with someone whom the Lord sees fit.

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