Tiger

One of my favorite animals is the tiger.  They're strong, regal, graceful, fierce, and lethal. They own their territory, patrolling it each day, always mindful of everything that goes on inside their domain. They're also beautiful creatures, long and lean and with those striking stripes. I really love tigers.

I had a pen pal who once asked what animal I would choose to be if I could be an animal; obviously, a tiger.  His reply kind of struck me and has stayed with me ever since.

"I can totally see you being a cat. Large and imposing. But thoughtful and reserved. Very independent and at times distant. But strong when you need to be."

He knew that tigers are solitary creatures, that they don't share their space with other tigers often, and that they almost never interact with each other.

Last night, tigers came up again, this time in a conversation with a friend who needs to remember that she can do hard things.  She likes to be compared to a lioness, so I told her to go and be the lioness she wants to be, and to own her situation and make it her bitch. I promised her that I'd try to do the same, and she asked what kind of animal I'd like to be in my situation.

I replied tiger again, because right now, that's what I aspire to be.

I'm not going to be so dramatic as to say that there's no one out there for me, but romantically, it's been a hard few months. I haven't been dating at all, but I've just wondered what my future looks like in that regard. I've been lonely, although things are going well in a lot of other areas, so I can't dismiss them altogether.

So, right now, I want to be a tiger. I want to acknowledge my own academic and professional badassery and blessings. I want to be independent and strong and reserved and thoughtful. I want to get shit done and move on to the next item of business. I want to own my life and make all my own decisions and do what's best for me, and I want to forget about being linked to another person, at least for now.

Of course, this is all easier said than done, because what I really want deep down is for that perfect individual to tell me that I'm the one and live happily ever after (barf). What I really want is to be wanted by someone who I want back. I want to be high on the priorities list of someone whom I prioritize. I kind of shudder to think of what I'd give up if it meant I could be involved in something that looks like love. That's not something a tiger would ever do.

But I'm going to try and change.  I'm going to be the tiger I know I should be right now. I'm going to try really hard to put off love and let other things fall into place. Cuz I'm a tiger.

(Maybe if I keep saying it, it'll become real.)