I got 99 problems...

I remember when I realized that 99% of my emotional duress was directly or indirectly caused by that rift between God and gay in my life. This thought saddened me somewhat, as though I was incapable of feeling anything but cheated or conflicted or lonesome or what have you.

Well, my friends, I have proved that theory wrong in the last month.

I'm not going to lie, it's actually kind of nice to feel anxious or depressed about something other than being a gay Mormon.  It's nice to actually experience a breadth of emotion, rather than just being a lovelorn silly little thing. It's like when I had my heart broken the very first time: it sucked, but it also felt cool to know that I was capable of that kind of emotion.

In any case, money is tight, school is tough, the workplace is a scary and unforgiving world, and I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing in three months.  It's pretty awful. And friends.  Friends are hard to come by lately. I feel as though I'm burning more than a few bridges and I don't know what to do to stop it.

But, like I said, it is downright refreshing to be thinking about something besides being a QueerMo.

Rock on, muthafuckas.

The 25th year, come and gone!

Today's my 25th birthday!  I'm officially an adult in nearly every metric, given that I can now rent cars for cheap.

It was a great day.  School started today, which is a blessing, because I do love learning.  It will be a great semester.  I have good people in my life and I am working towards something that's important to me.  My birthday, while somewhat uneventful, was peaceful and quiet and filled with friends and laughter and ice cream.

The tiger in me is satisfied.

Tiger

One of my favorite animals is the tiger.  They're strong, regal, graceful, fierce, and lethal. They own their territory, patrolling it each day, always mindful of everything that goes on inside their domain. They're also beautiful creatures, long and lean and with those striking stripes. I really love tigers.

I had a pen pal who once asked what animal I would choose to be if I could be an animal; obviously, a tiger.  His reply kind of struck me and has stayed with me ever since.

"I can totally see you being a cat. Large and imposing. But thoughtful and reserved. Very independent and at times distant. But strong when you need to be."

He knew that tigers are solitary creatures, that they don't share their space with other tigers often, and that they almost never interact with each other.

Last night, tigers came up again, this time in a conversation with a friend who needs to remember that she can do hard things.  She likes to be compared to a lioness, so I told her to go and be the lioness she wants to be, and to own her situation and make it her bitch. I promised her that I'd try to do the same, and she asked what kind of animal I'd like to be in my situation.

I replied tiger again, because right now, that's what I aspire to be.

I'm not going to be so dramatic as to say that there's no one out there for me, but romantically, it's been a hard few months. I haven't been dating at all, but I've just wondered what my future looks like in that regard. I've been lonely, although things are going well in a lot of other areas, so I can't dismiss them altogether.

So, right now, I want to be a tiger. I want to acknowledge my own academic and professional badassery and blessings. I want to be independent and strong and reserved and thoughtful. I want to get shit done and move on to the next item of business. I want to own my life and make all my own decisions and do what's best for me, and I want to forget about being linked to another person, at least for now.

Of course, this is all easier said than done, because what I really want deep down is for that perfect individual to tell me that I'm the one and live happily ever after (barf). What I really want is to be wanted by someone who I want back. I want to be high on the priorities list of someone whom I prioritize. I kind of shudder to think of what I'd give up if it meant I could be involved in something that looks like love. That's not something a tiger would ever do.

But I'm going to try and change.  I'm going to be the tiger I know I should be right now. I'm going to try really hard to put off love and let other things fall into place. Cuz I'm a tiger.

(Maybe if I keep saying it, it'll become real.)

Love letter

Dear you,

I'm a little tired of waiting.

I know it's a little ridiculous to expect so much of life at such a young age.  I'm not even 25 and I have all these grandiose expectations of what life should be. I should be totally self-assured, I should be graduated from college and have a decent-paying job. I should be out of debt, have a decent savings fund, and I should own a nice little house with a workshop filled with an old BMW, two motorcycles, and a Tacoma 4x4.

I should have something resembling love in my life. Be it an understanding and dead-sexy wife and two kids or some devilishly handsome architect and our shelter-rescue mutt, there should be someone I'm sharing my life with.

But instead, I'm renting a small (admittedly cozy) apartment that I share with five other guys (all of whom I like a lot). I'm in debt, I make a pittance at my part-time job, and I'm doing pretty poorly at school. And at night, I get into my twin bed alone and fall asleep.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with where I'm at (except for my poor grades and debt, perhaps).  I've got good friends and I like the place I live. I kinda like school and I enjoy learning new things. My family loves me (you should see the care packages I get on the regular). Life's good. I even love my car. Like, LOVE my car.

I'm good with waiting, but at the same time, I'm ready for you to come around, open my eyes to the world of fulfilling, expressive, passionate love.

I guess, until then, I'll save my love for you. I've got a lot of it to give. I look forward to surprising you with flowers or chocolates or a night out just because I felt like it. I look forward to driving home from work, proverbial tail wagging because I'm excited to see you once I get through this traffic. I'm even looking forward to fighting, to hating you for a few minutes before I cool down. I look forward to traditions and anniversaries and birthdays and holidays and kids and pets and a messy house and grey hairs and probably some balding (heaven forbid).

I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm reading Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel García Márquez. And yes, I have been reading it for almost a year.  Books are slow-going for me.

In any case, I'm really enjoying it.  The first half or so was ridiculously romantic, written in such a syrupy, overwrought style that I secretly love, but then, it evened out by about midway through and became much more self-possessed and realistic.  I love it.

Anyway, I've been thinking about love as much as usual, maybe more so because I've been reading this 60-year-long love story, and I decided to write a love letter.