First day of therapy

Today was my first day of therapy in a few years.  I've really missed it. My new counselor is a nice guy. I immediately felt very comfortable with him. Today was really just a get-to-know-you session; he took detailed notes about the names of my siblings, friends and enemies, asked me for a characterization of myself, got my health and counseling history and asked what my goals for counseling would be.

I told him exactly what I was feeling, that I wanted to evaluate who I am and what I believe and want for myself, then find a way to commit and reconcile any outlying feelings with new definition of who I am. I told him I pretty much exactly what I've been telling all of you for a year now, that I had addictions to pornography and masturbation, that I felt lonely fairly regularly and that I wanted to feel loved either by a man or by God.  He sat there opposite me, scribbling every detail, I think, so he could review the notes later and remember my story for next week.  I appreciate his preparation.

All of it would have seemed too cold and clinical were it not for an experience I shared with a straight friend from a few weeks ago. This friend and I had gotten into an argument after he posted some incredibly offensive things about gay people and gay marriage. I don't mean he was expressing his opinion, I mean he was spreading hate speech. I called him out on it and he rather rudely told me that if I'd "done [my] duty and served a mission," I'd understand God's plan for His children and how the [slur deleted] were ruining that. He justified his hate speech religiously.  I honestly didn't think people like that existed outside the Westboro Baptist Church, and yet, there I was, being both indirectly and directly attacked by it.

My counselor asked what slur my friend used, then made a guess. When I confirmed his guess (which has six letters and begins with F), he rolled his eyes in disgust and began to go off very briefly before composing himself and asking me to go on.  That really made me laugh.

This is going to be good.  I'm excited about getting help through all this and I'm grateful my counselor seems so sensitive. I don't entirely trust him outside the professional relationship we now have, but I'm looking forward to building that relationship.  Future updates as events warrant.