Monday, November 19, 2012

I had a dream my life would be...

One more CTW post in the pipeline.  Just like me, when everyone else in the world has moved on, I'm still living in the past.  But it's a good post, at least in my opinion, so I'ma post it anyway!

Till then, a little variety in the form of my emotions...

I've reflected on this before when one of my girlfriends got married last fall and I'm trying not to dwell on it, but I'm just having a hard time with the life I'm living right now.  I take full responsibility for it and I know that if I had made better choices then my life would be different than it is.  I don't blame my circumstances for being too difficult (although at times they seem that they are) and I'm trying hard not to blame the actions of others either.

But I have to admit, when I think back to what I expected my future to hold when I was 6 years old, I wonder if that freckly little kid wouldn't be a little disappointed, and not just because I'm not a champion race car driver in Formula 1.

It's tough.  Sometimes it's just tough looking around and realizing that former mistakes are still guiding your life, than some dumb habit you picked up is still rearing its ugly head and preventing you from doing what you feel like you want to do.

I had all these plans.  I was going to do the proper thing and serve a mission when I was still young, then come home and go to BYU and study something cool. And I'd have a dog and a really bitchin' set of wheels and I'd probably be the Elders' Quorum president and I'd live in a huge house with a bowling alley right next to the library (because I loved the idea of making bowling pins crash while my house guests were trying to read my extensive collection of books). I had all of these huge dreams, most of which I knew weren't going to happen, but I still hoped they would.

It's hard seeing how far you are away from all of that. I know they always say that it doesn't matter where you are on the path as long as you're moving in the right direction and while I know that's true, it's still hard.  That's all. It's just hard. I'm glad I'm moving in the right direction, but I just wish I was there already.  For how much I love travel and road trips and taking my time to get places, when it comes to this whole personal improvement thing, I hate waiting.

I'm sure there's some reason behind it all. I'm sure that if/when I go on a mission, I'll meet someone who is where I was and who needs to know that it's possible. Or maybe if I'd served at 19 I would have been called to some country that was about to implode in violent rebellion. Or maybe there were people I needed to meet while I waited to become the guy I want to be. But I just look at where I'm at right now and how far it is from where I want to be and it's just hard.

I know it's hard for everyone. Not just for me and not just for people who are gay and not just for people who are addicted to something, but for everyone. We all feel like we're being pushed to our very limits at one point or another and we all have those white-knuckle moments where we want to let go. And we all have those moments where we want our upswing to just go a little faster so we can reach the top and get off the ride and enjoy the view and whatever other metaphor you want.

This is just my time to feel this way, I guess.  My time to remind myself to be humble and not seek after the laud and praise of men and focus more on my journey. It'll pass. It always does. Just gotta keep moving forward.

1 comment:

  1. President Monson said, "So much in our life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things or behave or to respond to others makes all the difference. To do the very best we can, and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."

    He noted that there are people who seem to "roll with the punches," who are pleasant and cheerful through almost any challenge. He said they choose to find joy everywhere and to leave it behind them when they go.

    "You, too, can choose to have a positive attitude. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust the sails. In other words, you can choose to be happy and positive, regardless of what comes your way. The definition of an optimist, according to one man, is 'someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play. "


Be nice, mmmmkay? I allow anonymous comments, but not anonymous (or even attributed) douchebaggery. The Gay Mormon Pioneer's tolerance for hate and venom are incredibly low, but his love of communication and debate are high, so have an opinion, but be kind and gentle when you share it.

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