Friday, September 2, 2011

Last Chance?

K, so, for the record, I never believe it's too late.  I'm kind of a chronic procrastinator, which in general is a bad thing, but it also allows me the perspective to know that if I miss out on something, I'll probably have the opportunity to enjoy something just as good, because I do believe that eventually, things will work out, even if you miss a few opportunities here and there.

For example, I'm dying to get into a vintage car right now.  I really want a Volvo Amazon or Volkswagen Beetle, but the cash just isn't there.  I found an Amazon on eBay in pretty amazing shape for $2200 and started machinating ways to get the money, but as you'd expect, the car sold 6 hours after it was posted and I didn't even stand a chance to get it.  But life goes on and there will be other cars.  This is my philosophy. 

However, I'm having a hard time holding onto that ideologue as of late.  As I've alluded before, there are exceptionally rare girls who can hold my attention intellectually, spiritually, and physically. There have been girls that I worshiped for their talents, abilities, and unique and uncommon ability to give me the butterflies. But, as I've sat on the sidelines, I've watched them get picked off, one by one, and married into charmingly sweet, happy family lives. I've justified my inaction by acknowledging that even when I finally do get my shit together and feel spiritually confident enough to give my life over to someone else, that someone will still have to wait a few years while I serve a mission, and how could I make a girl wait for her sometimes emotionally distant and "gay" boyfriend when she has a perfectly eligible returned missionary ready to take her to the temple?

I have a lady friend who just got married over the weekend.  She married a wonderful, handsome guy who will give her a great life.  Still, I wonder what might have happened if I took a few swings at the ball instead of watching the pitcher throw strikes right past me.  I had a few opportunities over our years of friendship to tell her how I felt (from day one, really), that I thought she was special and beautiful and she made me feel good. However, most of those opportunities came and went with very little effort on my part. Before long, my caring for her locked me into the friend zone, that elusive, mysterious place where all of my sweet and considerate actions would be met with a, "You're such a great friend.  I will be so jealous of the girl you marry."

I'm not one for regrets, but there's a big, almost infinitely loud voice in my head saying that if I'd stayed on schedule and gone on a mission at 19, I'd be an RM right now and ready to tell that elementary school sweetheart, or this most recent bride, or the one before that, that I am in love (or whatever could be closest to it for me).  If I'd done what I was supposed to do, when I was supposed to do it, then I'd be a more complete individual today and I could feel confident in giving myself over to someone else, or at least asking them for a chance.  As I am, I feel very fractured and unfinished, and it's always been my thought that, even though I don't need to be done growing, I need to be at the very least undamaged to build something with someone else.

I hope I'm not sounding too self-deprecating. I've got work to do, but I'm also right on track in a bunch of other ways too.  I just really feel like the clock is ticking and I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to live a life (and eternity) with the rare and extraordinary girl who makes me feel like I can do it.

I suppose, as with those old cars, there will be another special girl around the corner.  Still, I can't help but lament that old green Volvo a little bit and wish I was ready to snap it up when I had the chance.


  1. if you had gone on a mission at 19 and done it all in order and on time, you would have missed so many learning opportunities. waiting for God's timing sucks!!!! it seems like we know what's best for us all the time. you already know this, but it will all happen the way it is supposed to and it will be better for you than an old green volvo.

  2. also, the thing that makes me type it in so i'm not a machine, it was PANDR. :)

  3. Look on the bright side. There are girls out there that give you butterflies. There have been in the past so there is no reason to think that there won't be in the future. I don't get those butterflies. So as long as those butterflies are fluttering smile about and know that your time will come. In the meantime focus on serving the Lord with all your heart, might, mind and strength


Be nice, mmmmkay? I allow anonymous comments, but not anonymous (or even attributed) douchebaggery. The Gay Mormon Pioneer's tolerance for hate and venom are incredibly low, but his love of communication and debate are high, so have an opinion, but be kind and gentle when you share it.

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