SS, DD

Good news and bad news.

Those rockin' awesome wounds I had from a few days ago? They're feeling less fresh. For the most part, I can get through my day without constantly being distracted by what a basketcase I am. There are moments when I just can't get started on life, but I guess that's to be expected after a near-breakdown like I had Sunday and Monday.

I'm going back to therapy. This experience has scared me enough to make me think that I'm really ill-equipped for crises. I've got an appointment with my old friend Max this Friday and I'm making a fix-it list for her today so I make sure to cover everything. I'm looking forward to it, I've really missed having someone to talk to. In spite of their best efforts, the Evergreen support group I used to go to made me really uncomfortable and I just couldn't be honest with them like I could with Max.

So, that's all good. Plus, there's all of you, the people in my life, who have gone out of their way to make sure I'm feeling loved. As syrupy as it still feels to me, I'm grateful for the motivations and intentions behind those kind words.

But a nice little negative consequence of my recent insanity came up today. My mom (who doesn't know what a rough time I've been having lately) asked about my mission papers and going to the temple. The time has come when I can start moving forward on those two options for my life and I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like going to the temple right now is a huge mistake because, frankly, I'm kind of angry with God right now. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do and I feel really alone in more ways than one.

Like I said earlier, no option feels correct. I feel like I can't just leave the church and go gay, but church has been making me so unhappy lately. My motivation to sink myself deeper into its doctrine (much less proclaim that doctrine to others) is zero right now. I'm really hoping I just need some time to get my head around all this, but frankly, what if this kind of meltdown happens while I'm on my mission? What kind of hell could that wreak?

When I was a baby, I had pneumonia really bad. My childhood doctor came over for a visit one day after church, listened to my chest and told my parents that I had to get to the hospital immediately. A few days later, that same doctor told my parents that they needed "to prepare" themselves, because I wasn't getting better and if I didn't rally soon, they were going to lose me.

I guess today I feel a little like that doctor. I need to tell my parents that they need to prepare themselves. It's different because I'm not getting worse and they're not going to lose me, but I'm afraid my life isn't going to turn out quite like I planned it, at least in the near future.