Both sides working together

So I sat down at the piano today for the first time in a few months. Between travel, work and plain ol' laziness, I haven't had a ton of time/desire to play in a long time. It was rusty, but not awful...

I only started taking an interest in the piano when I was 16 or so; as such, I am not nearly as good as I wish I was. It takes me months to get a song to the point that I could maybe sing along with it and I've never been confident enough to play in public because, quite frankly, I've never perfected a song, or even come close.  It's something I regret about my childhood, having a mom who taught piano (and tried to teach me) and being too petulant and willful to practice. Frankly, something I'm looking forward to with the eternities is being able to have as long as I want to practice and perfect the piano.

[Vaguely depressing rant over]

So I sat down, pulled out some music I'd been working on, and plunked my way through it.  It was pretty terrible, but it always has been, so I broke it down. I played right hand first, then left hand, then put them together, then broke them apart, and so on until I had it to where I was satisfied with my night's work.

To cap off my sesh with the ivories, I tried playing a song I memorized in high school, a really simple, beautiful melody that's easy to sing along to. I haven't played that particular song in probably a year, so it was rusty. I tried to remember the notes and harmony, but was having a lot of difficulty getting it quite right. Trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, I played my right hand and then my left, but it just didn't sound right.  I started the song over, this time using both hands, and something clicked. The song came together with near-perfect order and fluidity.

The interesting thing about this song is the way the melody occasionally transfers from the right hand to the left. To those familiar with the piano, this is unusual. In most cases (at least for novices like me), the right hand almost exclusively handles the melody and the left hand provides the beat and harmony. Playing one hand at a time is difficult, because your brain has to transfer from remembering the melody to the harmony, then telling your fingers what to do.

Play both hands at the same time, however, and your brain knows what to think, because even though there's more for it to do, it can do it cleanly, remembering all portions of the music in one long strand, rather than fractured into sequences of melody-harmony-melody. It's only when both hands work together, guided by a mind that knows how to direct them individually, that music is made.

Quick Journal Entry from Vacation

So, I know I keep saying how my vaca was a respite from queermo, but the reality of it was that I am a gay Mormon whether or not I'm in the United States or in Australia or in Nairobi. I'm going to think about it, no matter how exotic my locale, especially when the men of that locale tend to be pretty exotic as well.

ANYWAY

A few weeks before my trip, my brother came out to visit. He was actually moving across the country and passed through on his way. He'd mentioned that his SUV was having a hard time towing the car hauler and his wife's car, so I volunteered to drive it the rest of the way for him so he could unload it and return the car hauler and enjoy a more relaxing, easier drive.

(It seems like my lot in life is to deliver cars for people. That might be a bad thing if I didn't love it so much. Plus, his wife drives a NICE car.)

We were returning the car hauler to the local U-Haul and I ran into an old friend I met at school who lives nearby. I was asking about his singles ward and some people I knew there, including one acquaintance I have who was less active when he attended my ward. My friend said that he was inactive and I expressed a little disappointment. My friend replied, "Well, he's gay, so..."
After we finished checking in the car hauler, as my brother and I got in his car, he asked, "Does that make you feel awkward when Mormons talk about other Mormons who are gay?"

Well, in the moment, no, but after some thinking, I've decided it does. I ruminated on this a lot when I was on vacation, for whatever reason.

In the LDS culture, being gay is somehow a get-out-of-reactivation-efforts-free card. Being gay (as defined as living the lifestyle) means there's nothing a well-meaning home teacher or elder's quorum president could say to bring you back into the fold, so they think.

This thought troubles me in a few ways.

One, it seems to convey the message that gay is just one step beyond reparable.  Addict? We have a Family Services program with 12 steps designed just for you.  Philanderer? The Gospel of Jesus Christ can fill that void in your heart.  But gay? Sorry man, we got nothin'.

Two, I dislike the attitude of pity with which we address the lapsed-into-gayhood Mormon. "Did you hear about so-and-so?" "Oh, poor guy."  "That's so sad, he was such a good home teacher."  Somehow, being gay seems to be like a trainwreck you hear about on the news. No one could have done anything to prevent it, and so they stand around watching the news of the gay guy's spiritual death with eyes dry with pity instead of wet with sympathy or love.

And three, the incongruence with which the first two things exist with the idea that everyone needs to bridle their passions for a higher cause.  Apparently, being gay is simultaneously something you should fight, but also some kind of terminal spiritual disease that is impossible to overcome and therefore warrants a quarantine against religion or fellowship.

I could be a little sensitive because I haven't been an actively participating part of either the gay scene or the Mormon scene for awhile now, but the hypocrisy with which we regard lapsed, gay Mormons is an offense against God, because His commandments and teachings advocated reaching out to the sinner more than the saint. It's also an offense towards the gay man because it sends the signal that his lifestyle choice is beyond repair, even if we tried to bring him back.

I don't know for what I am advocating here, because for the scads of Mormons who leave the church because they are gay, the lack of fellowship is probably welcome and refreshing. It somehow seems very disingenuous, so for a solution I'll have to hypothesize a little more.

For another blogger's view of this whole fellowshipping-the-gays situation, read Name Withheld, over at unnatural selection [sic]. The gay biologist has a pretty fresh view of it.

Finding courage and expunging pride

Alright, so I kind of mentioned this yesterday, but it took me all of three hours of being home from vacation to remember how difficult and tricky life could be.

While I was on vacation, I made a very concerted effort not to think about gay stuff. It came into my mind as frequently as ever, but I tried really hard not to think about it.  One thing that certainly helped was how difficult it was to be where I was. I spent my month in a Spanish-speaking country where it was hard to understand others or make myself understood, so lots of my energy was spent thinking in Spanish and trying to understand out the language better.

If you believe Maslow's hierarchy, which I sometimes don't, you know that if your more basic needs aren't being met (food, water and sleep), then you don't have the time or energy to think about higher needs (shelter, clothing, feeling appreciated, meaningful work). In that respect, my need to understand and be understood by the Spanish speakers around me superseded my religious or emotional needs. Being away was a great time to do something that had nothing to do with Mormonism or homosexuality, and yet was constructive because I was learning a new language and culture.

However, there were moments, even over there, when it was difficult to ignore my sometimes-dualistic feelings towards the LDS church and towards my orientation.

Pressing the resume button on just about everything...

Well, I'm back. Back to the daily grind. Resume thy activity, blogosphere... Maybe if you're good I'll tell you more about my vacation. Or maybe I liked being unplugged so much I'll continue it for awhile.

Naw, honestly, I had a great time on vacation. It was so nice to be so unplugged. My mom required one e-mail a day to make sure I was still alive, but other than that, it was Facebook-free, GMP-free, wholesome living.

It's taken me a full five minutes to upload pictures, change statuses, pay credit card bills and reply to old e-mails, as I predicted, but unfortunately it's also been easy to press the resume button on all the angst I had before about life. I've got a lot to think about for the time, maybe I'll have something to talk about later.

Unplugged: PEACE OUT TILL OCTOBER!

For a few reasons both within and beyond my control, I'm going to be unplugging for a few weeks. I guess this won't be any different from times in the past where there has been a lull in my posting, but I'll likely be gone for about a month, which I think is the longest I'll have been without posting here. I am looking forward to the separation from life, technology and the world of gay blogging and I hope that this time spent focusing on things other than the gay will be effective at broadening my horizons and seeing more possibilities in life.

There's a phrase that goes, "When all you have is a hammer, all of your problems look like nails." I'd like to counter that by saying, "When all you have are nails, your tools start to look like hammers."  Both are true in my case.

All I have in my arsenal is a frankly pitiful blog that's rife with selfish posts about loneliness and depression. [Note: selfish here is used in its literal sense. Very little of this blog pertains to anyone but me and therefore, it is by its very nature a selfish blog.]  Because of that, most of my problems look like nails that I can hammer out by blogging about them.  This just isn't the case.

Conversely, seemingly every problem I face pertains to homosexuality in some way.  Therefore, every time a new tool comes along that could solve some other problem (therapy to address anger-control issues, talks on improving our relationship with God), I instantly view them as tools to help me address my homosexuality. I am hoping that this time away will help me realize that not everything is about me, nor are the things that are about me always about my homosexuality.

Plus, frankly, I'm sick of blogging and e-mailing and texting and Facebook. It's exhausting work journaling for an audience. A wise man would have deleted this blog and all its vestiges months ago and taken his thoughts to a pen and paper, but no one ever accused me of being wise. So instead, I am going to take this hiatus from life, fall off the edge of the earth, and stick my head in the sand somewhere until I'm content to return.

I'd say something like if you need to email me, I'll eventually respond, but that's giving others' demand for me way too much credit. I have a feeling my return to the plugged-in world will be something like this:

Seriously, e-mail away and I will return them, although not for some time.

Northern Lights- "Automobiles and the gay man"

As many of you may have noticed, cars are really one of the few things that get me going when I'm feeling depressed. I have decided to defend the stereotypical gay mobiles in my latest post over at North Star. It's light, it's somewhat interesting, I think it's funny. Pretty much the antithesis of everything I've ever written over there.  I just needed some variety.

So, go have a look!  There are two cool pictures if nothing else.

A whole new level...

I have reached a whole new level of gayness.

I'm almost ashamed to admit it.

But...

I bought designer underwear today.

My old Hanes been wearing out lately so I went online (remember how much I both hate and love shopping for underwear?) and found some designer underwear on sale at only slightly higher prices than regular stuff. So I bought some. In pink, yellow and electric blue, with funky patterns and plaids for each.  Yikes.

You know how some closeted guys hide their porn under their beds? I'm going to have to start hiding my underroos.

Peace out world, keep moving forward!

Which lobster are you? Danielle Mansfield posts at Northern Lights

Danielle Mansfield offers a powerful metaphor in her post over at Northern Lights. I highly recommend reading the whole thing, as I am incapable of rendering the nuance and loveliness with which she tackles a very depressing concept.

In her essay, she addresses issues of shame, agency and compassion. The stinger for me was this metaphor she gives about cooking a lobster. Apparently, if you only cook one lobster at a time, as soon as the water starts warming up, the lobster will claw his way out of the pot. If, however, you cook two lobsters in the same pot, one lobster will try to climb out and the other lobster will pull him back down into the water until both are killed. The implications here are obvious.

Are you the lobster who tries to climb out but feels constantly pulled back into your old ways? Are you the lobster who, perhaps out of jealousy or narrow-mindedness, prevents people from climbing into a new life, insisting that the pot is the place to be? I sometimes feel like the former, but too frequently feel like the latter.

Danielle addresses a number of other compelling issues in her post. Spare five minutes of your day and have a look at it.

Cars of the Moment: The Japanese Supercar Edition

Japan's automotive industry is generally known for sensible family transportation. Here in the US, Honda is known for the Accord, Toyota is known for the Corolla and Nissan is known for the Altima, all of which are generally designed to get you, your passengers and your stuff from point A to point B cheaply, reliably and in relative comfort.

There have been outliers, to be sure. Honda used to make the Prelude, a fun little coupe built from spare Accord and Civic parts. Toyota had the Celica, MR-2 and Supra sports coupes for a long time before relegating them to history due to low demand. And Nissan still makes the fun-to-drive Z sports car and roadster.  Even so, ask someone to name a Japanese sports car and they'll likely be hard pressed to come up with something.

And that is a travesty, because to those who know, Japan has consistently been producing some of the finest supercars the world has ever known. They are few and far between, but they are almost always great.

Let's start with today, then look to yesterday before moving on to tomorrow, shall we?

_____________________________________

The Lexus LF-A is the product of 10 years of research, development and testing. Test mules, the mocked-up and cobbled-together vehicles automakers use to try out different engine and suspension settings, have been rounding Germany's Nurburgring since 2003. Design concepts have been teased at major auto shows since 2005. Finally, after four different designs and hundreds of gigantic conceptual changes, the LF-A was released to the public in 2011, with only 500 models available worldwide and a strict buyer selection process that would prevent owners from flipping their rare cars for more money in the used marketplace. 

I'd think that for each of those lucky customers, the wait was worth it. 

Now, my distaste for Lexus and Toyota in general is well-documented, but this car breaks with tradition, both in general and for me specifically. Look at the thing. Even (or perhaps especially) painted fly yellow, it looks aggressive and modern. The scoops in front of the rear wheels, the blade-like radiator vents protruding from the rear window, the bonkers-sexy interior: from stem to stern, this car's intentions are clear.

But if you're still not convinced, turn the key and listen to one of the fastest-revving V10 engines in history. Taking from Toyota's extensive experience as a manufacturer for Formula 1 racing, the engine is ultralight and mounted so low in the chassis that it doesn't even clear the top of the front wheels. The Lexus has a digital tachometer because, rumor has it, the engine is so quick to rev that a conventional analog gauge mechanically wouldn't be able to keep up.  

The whole car's structure takes shape with the use of carbon fiber, a lightweight and strong material that only recently has made the jump from aerospace and astronautics to automobiles. The carbon strands are woven in a gigantic industrial loom that was repurposed from one of Toyota's original fabric looms. A tiny piece of Toyota history goes into this car. With a racetrack-chic exhaust wail and a loud, backfiring crack with each banging gearchange, this car is designed to thrill and scintillate. How unlike Lexus, and how refreshing.

__________________________________

Nissan has been making a fantastic car for markets other than the United States called the Skyline GT-R. After a hiatus in the 1970s and 1980s, the R32 Skyline GT-R was reintroduced in 1989, featuring a technologically advanced all-wheel drive system with something they called ATTESA E-TS, that could split engine power up among the wheels. For example, more torque could be sent to the outside rear tire when the vehicle was turning a corner, giving it exceptional balance and maneuverability. Further improvements were made for the R33 Skyline and R34 Skyline, with each of them gaining notoriety from the gaming crowd for their near-dominance in the Gran Turismo video game franchise. Fans of the cars were vocal. America, known to every major automaker as the least forgiving and most fickle automobile market, was ready for Nissan's supercar.

After a few tantalizing concept cars, the production Nissan GT-R (no longer a Skyline) was unveiled for the 2008 model year. With a probably-underrated 485 horsepower coming from a twin-turbocharged 3.8-liter V6 and, no hyperbole, the most technologically advanced transmission, all-wheel drive system and driver interface, that first version of the "R35" GT-R was capable of sprinting to 60 mph in 3.2 seconds, faster than the $600,000 Ferrari Enzo, never mind that the Nissan cost only about $80,000 after dealers inevitably marked it up.

Fun fact: Polyphony Digital, the developers of Gran Turusmo, was contracted to design the vehicle's driver interface, which allows drivers to change suspension and drive settings and view real-time performance stats from the navigation screen.  Fun fact II: All vehicles sold in Japan are required by law to be limited to about 88 mph and the GT-R is no exception. However, if the navigation system senses that the vehicle is on a racetrack, it automatically removes that speed governor.

Later improvements to the engine, transmission, suspension have culminated in this, the 2013 Nissan GT-R. Until the R36 generation bows in a few years, this is likely as good as any Nissan will ever be. With 545 (!) horsepower, a cataclysmic launch control system and enhanced aerodynamics, the GT-R is one of three cars than can get to 60 mph in less than three seconds. The other two? The Porsche 911 Turbo, at nearly double the cost, and the Bugatti Veyron hypercar, which starts at a jaw-dropping $1.5 million.

Not bad for a Datsun, eh?
______________________________

Remember that old Honda Prelude we mentioned before? Most of them came with VTEC, an innovative variable valve timing system that allowed an engine's timing to change with revs so that it could pull strongly from both high and low RPMs. Its technology is beyond my understanding and therefore, in my mind, miraculous. I've driven a few cars with VTEC and they're all a blast.

But the system owes its very existence to Honda's original supercar, the 1990 Honda/Acura NSX. This car was revolutionary in so many ways that it's difficult to quantify. First and foremost was the VTEC system, which made its first appearance in the US market on the NSX (which was badged as an Acura here). This system gave the NSX and its 3.0-liter (later enlarged to 3.2 liters) V6 engine performance on par with the more expensive Ferrari 348 and less exotic Porsche 911 and Chevrolet Corvette. 

However, Honda's innovations did not stop there. The NSX was also the first vehicle ever to have an all-aluminum monocoque body. In layman's terms, the car's stunningly styled body and frame were one unified piece and were made out of expensive, lightweight aluminum, making the car about 500 lbs lighter than a comparable steel vehicle.

Above and beyond the exotic-for-the-time materials and interesting engine technology, compared to its rivals, the NSX was very easy to live with. It was low-slung but still had great visibility, its interior was built with Honda quality and Acura luxury, and it was reliable and predictable when driving quickly. Unlike the fragile Ferrari 348, the tail-happy Porsche 911 and the tacky, uncomfortable Corvette, the NSX was the first supercar you could reliably drive every day and still enjoy on the track each weekend, and damned if it didn't light fires under the butts of every sports car manufacturer's management, who now had to scramble to match what plebian Honda had created with its supercar.

Said Johnny Liebermann of Motor Trend, "Do you enjoy your modern Ferrari? You have [the NSX] to thank for it."

Can't think of any higher praise for the same company that makes the Odyssey minivan...

______________________________

In the next five years, we can expect to see another sports-car renaissance from the Land of the Rising Sun.  While Toyota Motor Corporation has acknowledged that it may not build a successor for the LF-A immediately, the Lexus brand has the LF-LC sports coupe on the pipeline. While it may be considered more of a grand tourer than an outright supercar, it still looks plenty interesting, with some classy details and Lexus' new spindle grille taken to its logical extreme.  It will surely be a step in the right direction for Lexus' brand image.

LF-LC concept interior. Unreal and totally awesome.

There also will be a new version of the Nissan GT-R, and while details are sparse and incomplete, it will surely bring a whole new level of performance to the table. Nissan isn't a brand that usually ruins the recipe in one generation, so we could probably expect the R36 GT-R to improve on its predecessor, at least in most quantifiable metrics.

And then there's Honda, which is (finally) bringing us a new NSX supercar. After teasing us with the underwhelming (and front-engined!) Acura ASCC concept, then telling us it would evolve into the NSX's successor, then abandoning the project, then finally unveiling a proper mid-engined sports car called the NSX concept, its road to production in 2015 is all but unimpeded. The company's impressive SH all-wheel drive system, which will come standard on the NSX, works similar to Nissan's ATTESA. It allows torque to transfer from left to right and front to rear to give each tire its optimal level of power to keep the car going in whatever twisty line you want it to. You may have seen Tony Stark driving a new NSX Roadster in The Avengers and you probably saw Jerry Seinfeld fight with Jay Leno over who had the rights to buy the first NSX if you watched the Superbowl (and/or its commercials).

Acura NSX concept

What's interesting about each of these new cars, the LF-LC, R36 GT-R and 2015 NSX, is that they're all but guaranteed to have hybrid powertrains. The details on the GT-R are rumors at this point, but it will likely rely on gas and electricity for its motivation. The LF-LC, which will likely compete with base Bentley and top-of-the-line Mercedes touring cars, will likely see tons of hybrid technology from Toyota's extensive experience building green cars like the Prius and RAV4 Electric Vehicle.  The NSX will feature Honda's near-ubiquitous 3.5-liter V6 and electric motor mounted behind the driver and powering the rear wheels while individual electric motors will power each front wheel. Through-the-road hybrid systems like this, where the electric motor and gas engine see little interaction with each other but still provide prodigious performance, seems to be the new normal for sports cars, with even manufacturers like Ferrari getting in on the game.

While the advent of the electric motor makes a manual transmission an unnecessary impedance (electric motors make full torque starting at zero RPM, so individual gears are redundant), and while that fact makes me very sad, I am nonetheless excited to see Japan's technological prowess again translate to some pretty awesome cars.

Images sourced from Wikimedia Commons, Lexus and Nissan USA

One brief beef I have with a common anti-gay marriage argument

Tonight was another good CES fireside in which Elder Holland urged the young singles of the church to plant their feet boldly where they stood and dare to keep their standards high. It was an uplifting, entertaining, emotional fireside and he had some amazing stories and lessons to share. I really admire Elder Holland's emphatic, almost frightening conviction with which he invites and encourages listeners to live on a higher plain.

However, I have just one or two little issues I took with aspects of his message.  These may or may not be motivated by the fact that I've had a really bad attitude and some really caustic feelings towards the Church and that my pride has been puffed up recently by who-knows-what, but here they are.

First, he encouraged us to be more loving. There's nothing I hate more than being loving.

Just kidding.

No, he encouraged us to be loving and free of judgment towards those who live different lifestyles, have different standards, dress differently, etc. He illustrated his point by sharing a story of love shared towards a spiky-haired, pierced and tattooed woman who attended a stake fireside he gave a number of years ago.  Awesome. I am pro-love, so no qualms yet.

However, in the next sentence, he encouraged us to remember to continue to judge righteously. He likened our righteous judgments to those of parents who prevent their children from eating too much junk or running into a busy street, where no level-headed person would ever censure a parent for "taking away their children's agency" in this way.

He encouraged us to do the same, to prevent harm or accident from befalling us by keeping good company, taking care of our bodies and avoiding sin and temptation. So far so good, on paper at least.

However, in practice, I've noticed that Mormons as a culture are mostly incapable of giving righteous judgment without, in his words, "checking their religion at the door." We tend to censure, scorn and ostracize those with whom we disagree and our actions cross from "righteous indignation" into hate. Elder Holland himself said these words with what I felt was a hint of venom, the slightest tinge of sardonic scoffing towards those to whom he was referring, those outside our church and its standards.

He continued by encouraging us to be active in political discourse and stand up for our rights. Again, I totally agreed, until he said that we were justified in taking away others' agency if it was a matter of celestial, eternal importance. Again, he used a metaphor involving running red lights. Paraphrasing, "I as a good driver know that running red lights is wrong, but why should we penalize those who choose to run red lights? Isn't that taking away their agency?"

His point was that it is necessary to take away agency in matters like these, but the fundamental difference between his metaphor and the issues to which we all know he was referring (gay rights, abortion, etc.) is that running a red light can cause irreparable harm to someone who had no control over your actions. In exercising your agency to run a red light, you can take away another person's agency to live without their permission.

However, with gay marriage, one man is not taking away another man's agency to marry; rather, two people are willingly entering into that contract with one another. No one's agency is being taken away. You might disagree with their choice, but it has no affect on anyone but themselves. This argument breaks down somewhat in the argument about abortion, as it could be argued that you are removing a fetus' right to live, but still, there is palpable difference between reality and metaphor.

Other than that, I really enjoyed his fireside. I don't know what I'm going to do about it because I'm still so miserable at church that it takes all of my energy to attend, but here's hoping that I'll have some urge to be a better disciple due to Elder Holland's convicting words.