Toby and I are trying to rebuild our friendship. We had something of a falling out recently and we've both decided to alter some of our bad habits and try to be better friends for each other.
So yesterday, we went and grabbed some lunch. We were acting normal again, joking and making fun and just being normal. He's got a mouth, which I can usually handle except for the F-Bomb. I hate it; it's the one word I don't say often and never in public, so I told him that I'd stop chewing with my mouth open (one of his pet peeves) if he stopped saying the F-word. He agreed and after a few minutes of contemplative silence, he told me that he'd stop fooling around with other guys if I went on a mission.
Jaw, meet floor.
An online friend of mine and I were talking about same-gender attraction and what it is about certain people that attracts us. I brought it up because I've been wondering what I'd do if I found a man with my same goals, if I'd be able to resist the desire to be with that person. One of the things we agreed on is that faithfulness is an attractive quality. And here was Toby, telling me that we should move forward in the Gospel by repenting and following the commandments. He was submitting himself a little bit to the recommendations I'd judgmentally made for his life.
And that, paradoxically, made him so much more attractive to me. I've referenced my safety net before, where I tend to like straight, faithful Mormon guys, but I've never had the experience of liking a gay, faithful Mormon boy. And ironically, dating a gay Mormon guy would put both of us in a life contrary to the teachings of the Church. It's a weird little cycle I find myself in.
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to take his challenge to me at face value. I think I want to serve a mission and when I do, it won't be to get Toby to stop sleeping with men; it'll be for myself. And if he wants to stop fooling around, his motivation will need to come from somewhere else besides me. My mission's value is not dependent on his obedience, nor is his faithfulness contingent on my honorable service.
Still, it was nice to hear that he had a little desire to change on some level.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Acting According to the Dictates of God
I am in a religion class at school that deals extensively with "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." The opening paragraph reads:
We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
Today we met with several other sections of the class for our first lecture of the semester. It ran the gauntlet of lots of different topics, but opened with that statement given by President Hinckley regarding the family. That topic is hard for me to understand because I was not born with those inclinations towards marriage, and while I want a family, I know that my proclivities aren't conducive to procreation. Family and marriage are still the end goals for me, but lately those goals have been clouded a bit by lots of confusing and frustrating events lately.
Another topic we covered which I'm afraid I might be taking too far is the concept that blind faith in leadership is not something the Church ascribes to. President Brigham Young said, and I'm paraphrasing a little, that we cannot put all of our trust in our leaders and that the whisperings of the Spirit should tell us if our leaders are acting according to the dictates of God. That is a concept I hold to dearly, but lately I have been getting this feeling that the Church is fallible, or at least incomplete, in regard to homosexuality. My tendencies, which God has suffered that I be submitted to, are in complete opposition to the Church's standing on the subject of homosexuality. I struggle with that because I didn't wake up one day and decide that I'd like to be with a man. As long as I can remember, I have felt that attraction to my gender and I feel like it's a part of who I am and I shouldn't have to change it. In that regard, same-gender attraction and a desire to live a homosexual lifestyle is my truth and reality and I feel like the talking heads in suits I see every six months don't really understand. And that's where faith comes in and I'm afraid that right now, it's faith that I have a hard time accessing.
Confusingly, our next topic of discussion addressed that concern, although not completely satisfyingly. Our individual personalities have always existed; in an almost-inconceivable eternity, our personal essence has always existed and was not created by God. God provided the spirit body to house that essence, and then provided the physical body as we maintained our first estate, but He did not create us out of nothing. Our intelligence is as eternal as God Himself. Therefore, God created us not of His own imagination, but under a set of specific parameters our essence placed on him. He did not create me to be gay. He created me under a set of circumstances that might suggest I'd be gay in this life. While that takes away some of the bitterness and anger I have towards Him for allowing me to suffer like this, I also wonder how He'll be able to change me later if/after I've endured. And there's where more faith comes in.
The current plan of action is to build that faith and hope that some of those answers come, or at the very least, that the questions don't trouble me as much. Phew.
The current plan of action is to build that faith and hope that some of those answers come, or at the very least, that the questions don't trouble me as much. Phew.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Not-So-Straight Moment
Full disclosure, this is gonna be a really metro/gay post. I'm not a big fashionista and I'm not super label-conscious, but I like to think that I've cultivated a very specific style for myself and I love shopping for clothes that fit that style. I love clothes. Love love love.
My loving and considerate mother outdid herself this year. I got two packages from her yesterday which I only just picked up today, one for my birthday last week and one for Easter today.
For my birthday, she sent a pair of Lucky jeans. Over Spring Break, she gave me a shopping trip for my birthday since I needed some new clothes. One day, she sent me to the mall and asked jocularly that I keep the tab below a grand, haha. After $100 worth of new shoes, pants, and shirts, I came home a little dejected because I couldn't find any deals on Lucky jeans, which are my faves. I used to have to wear them in high school because they were the only jeans that fit my lanky legs and I got spoiled, so now that I'm a bit fuller, the cheap jeans that fit don't cut the mustard. But I just can't justify spending more than $40 on what is essentially a work garment.
In any case, my awesome mom sent out a pair of Luckys because she knows I like 'em. I just hope she didn't spend retail for them, haha.
Sidenote: I'd like Luckys a lot more if I was sexually active, haha. Something about the "Lucky You" emblazoned on a patch inside the fly makes me really look forward to getting married and have the wife unzip those pants.
I guess this ended up being a pretty straight post after all...
My loving and considerate mother outdid herself this year. I got two packages from her yesterday which I only just picked up today, one for my birthday last week and one for Easter today.
For my birthday, she sent a pair of Lucky jeans. Over Spring Break, she gave me a shopping trip for my birthday since I needed some new clothes. One day, she sent me to the mall and asked jocularly that I keep the tab below a grand, haha. After $100 worth of new shoes, pants, and shirts, I came home a little dejected because I couldn't find any deals on Lucky jeans, which are my faves. I used to have to wear them in high school because they were the only jeans that fit my lanky legs and I got spoiled, so now that I'm a bit fuller, the cheap jeans that fit don't cut the mustard. But I just can't justify spending more than $40 on what is essentially a work garment.
In any case, my awesome mom sent out a pair of Luckys because she knows I like 'em. I just hope she didn't spend retail for them, haha.
Sidenote: I'd like Luckys a lot more if I was sexually active, haha. Something about the "Lucky You" emblazoned on a patch inside the fly makes me really look forward to getting married and have the wife unzip those pants.
I guess this ended up being a pretty straight post after all...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Emotional vs. Sexual Attraction
Okay, so I've got this friend called Toby. I've talked about him before a little. He and I had a coming-out sesh together a few weeks ago and since then our friendship has been really weird. For a few weeks, we held hands and cuddled together (thinking about his warm hands on my neck still makes me melt a little bit) and I had/have a crush on him for a bit. My emotions tend to mirror my actions, so when I'm acting like someone who is emotionally attached, i.e., holding hands, cuddling, etc., I tend to get emotionally attached. He acknowledged to me after a few weeks of our cuddling that he felt like he was leading me on and that he was attracted to me and thought I was cute, but wasn't interested in a relationship of any kind.
Then our friendship got even weirder, after a fight we had the night before Spring Break resulted in me feeling incredibly ambushed and violated (not by him so much as his friends and not sexually) and him feeling like I was judging him unfairly and hypocritically. I see his point on that last part, but I'm not convinced he sees mine. We talked before I left for home for the week and he apologized, as did I, and we decided to take the week off to see if we should be friends or what. And then he went to Mexico and spent the week drunk on a beach, so I'm not convinced he did as much thinking as I did.
I kinda resent him for that a little bit. I really want to know exactly WHY he's sorry for that night, as he said he was several times before I left on Spring Break, but he spent the week hammered and probably doesn't remember we even had a fight.
Regardless, my relationship with him has led me to a few conclusions.
One, I'm not looking for sex. I don't want casual hookups or fooling around with men. I am a sexual being and I'm sure I would love having sex from a purely physical-pleasure standpoint, but sex without love wouldn't be worth the sacrifices I'd have to make on the family, school, and church front. At my core, I think (hope?) I'd be honest enough to withdraw from the BYU sisterhood of schools and accept disfellowship from the Church if I were sexually active with a man, and those consequences don't seem worth the pleasure that sex might bring.
Therefore, my relationship with Toby is going nowhere. I know I'm strong enough in my testimony to keep him off me even if he ever became that predatory. And while I know that holding hands and cuddling with men is a poor decision, I also know that with him, I can draw the line. For heaven's sake, we've never even kissed. His motivation is sexual and mine is emotional, and if he can't satisfy those emotional needs, he's not worth leaving the Church and foregoing some of the blessings that it brings.
The second conclusion is really more of a confusion. I know I'm not looking for sex, but in my weak moments of fantasy, I see Toby and myself with a life together. As I've said, I'm a little hung up on him right now and he gets to star in my dreams a little bit more than I like. I see him and me living together in a committed and loving relationship and it scares me for how much I want that. I'm giving up hope on his being a part of that life I want, but it gets me thinking about what if I find someone who has some of those same goals? Someone who isn't interested just in sex but in commitment and love? What then?
My therapist Max once told me that someday I would meet someone who reciprocated my attraction. She said that not as a reassurance, but as a warning. We had been talking about how even though same-gender attraction gets me down and used to charge my pornography consumption, it probably wouldn't ever lead to anything dicey because most of my crushes were straight males I knew and was friends with. I knew that even if I was exceptionally weak and wanted to break some of the rules, I'd still have the safety net of the object of my affection not being attracted to me.
That's when she warned me that my lifeline wasn't enough, because someday I'd meet someone who liked me as much as I liked them and that then the decision would be mine and mine alone. She said that I'd need to pick a side, because even though repentance is always an option, it's rarely an easy one, and I'd need to know fairly certainly what I'd be willing to give up to have either emotional fulfillment or faith in the truthfulness of the Church. She said that I'd have to be sure that the Church was either true or incomplete for either life decision to make sense.
That's where I have trouble. I'm nervous for what might happen when I meet that someone who has those same goals. I've said that sex isn't enough to get me to leave the Church, but what about emotional intimacy and attraction? Do I love the Church enough and have sufficient faith in its teachings to give up that higher relationship goal I have?
Thank goodness it's just a worry for now. I'm glad I don't have to make that decision right away and I should probably stop concerning myself with it since it hasn't actually happened yet. But, for the life of me, I have no idea how I'll react if it does.
How should I reconcile that desire for emotional satisfaction with my faith in God and His Gospel?
Then our friendship got even weirder, after a fight we had the night before Spring Break resulted in me feeling incredibly ambushed and violated (not by him so much as his friends and not sexually) and him feeling like I was judging him unfairly and hypocritically. I see his point on that last part, but I'm not convinced he sees mine. We talked before I left for home for the week and he apologized, as did I, and we decided to take the week off to see if we should be friends or what. And then he went to Mexico and spent the week drunk on a beach, so I'm not convinced he did as much thinking as I did.
I kinda resent him for that a little bit. I really want to know exactly WHY he's sorry for that night, as he said he was several times before I left on Spring Break, but he spent the week hammered and probably doesn't remember we even had a fight.
Regardless, my relationship with him has led me to a few conclusions.
One, I'm not looking for sex. I don't want casual hookups or fooling around with men. I am a sexual being and I'm sure I would love having sex from a purely physical-pleasure standpoint, but sex without love wouldn't be worth the sacrifices I'd have to make on the family, school, and church front. At my core, I think (hope?) I'd be honest enough to withdraw from the BYU sisterhood of schools and accept disfellowship from the Church if I were sexually active with a man, and those consequences don't seem worth the pleasure that sex might bring.
Therefore, my relationship with Toby is going nowhere. I know I'm strong enough in my testimony to keep him off me even if he ever became that predatory. And while I know that holding hands and cuddling with men is a poor decision, I also know that with him, I can draw the line. For heaven's sake, we've never even kissed. His motivation is sexual and mine is emotional, and if he can't satisfy those emotional needs, he's not worth leaving the Church and foregoing some of the blessings that it brings.
The second conclusion is really more of a confusion. I know I'm not looking for sex, but in my weak moments of fantasy, I see Toby and myself with a life together. As I've said, I'm a little hung up on him right now and he gets to star in my dreams a little bit more than I like. I see him and me living together in a committed and loving relationship and it scares me for how much I want that. I'm giving up hope on his being a part of that life I want, but it gets me thinking about what if I find someone who has some of those same goals? Someone who isn't interested just in sex but in commitment and love? What then?
My therapist Max once told me that someday I would meet someone who reciprocated my attraction. She said that not as a reassurance, but as a warning. We had been talking about how even though same-gender attraction gets me down and used to charge my pornography consumption, it probably wouldn't ever lead to anything dicey because most of my crushes were straight males I knew and was friends with. I knew that even if I was exceptionally weak and wanted to break some of the rules, I'd still have the safety net of the object of my affection not being attracted to me.
That's when she warned me that my lifeline wasn't enough, because someday I'd meet someone who liked me as much as I liked them and that then the decision would be mine and mine alone. She said that I'd need to pick a side, because even though repentance is always an option, it's rarely an easy one, and I'd need to know fairly certainly what I'd be willing to give up to have either emotional fulfillment or faith in the truthfulness of the Church. She said that I'd have to be sure that the Church was either true or incomplete for either life decision to make sense.
That's where I have trouble. I'm nervous for what might happen when I meet that someone who has those same goals. I've said that sex isn't enough to get me to leave the Church, but what about emotional intimacy and attraction? Do I love the Church enough and have sufficient faith in its teachings to give up that higher relationship goal I have?
Thank goodness it's just a worry for now. I'm glad I don't have to make that decision right away and I should probably stop concerning myself with it since it hasn't actually happened yet. But, for the life of me, I have no idea how I'll react if it does.
How should I reconcile that desire for emotional satisfaction with my faith in God and His Gospel?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
saved by grace
Yesterday, I was sitting in my apartment when two kids knocked on my door. They introduced themselves as students from a Christian high school in Virginia who were learning about the LDS church in one of their classes. The school organized a field trip for them and their classmates to come to a place with lots of Mormons so they could learn more. They were really cool kids and very respectful and I loved chatting with them. They invited me to their worship service that night, which I attended, and we went out to dinner afterwards and talked some good story.
One of the things we talked about in our conversation at my house was salvation through works vs. salvation through grace. Their point that they eloquently made was that our works come as we show gratitude to God for His mercy, but it's not essential for our salvation. I agree with the first part of their statement, because our obedience should be a function of our love for God and desire to serve Him, not our expectation of salvation or blessings.
We talked a little about that and I brought up a scripture in 2 Nephi 25:23. where it reads, "For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled with God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (emphasis added). Without confrontation, they heard what I had to say and showed a genuine interest and curiosity in why the LDS church believes such.
What I hope they took away from our conversation (and I wish I had remembered to pray before we talked) is that Mormons believe in salvation by grace as well. None of us is perfect or powerful enough to satisfy the demands of justice that are placed on all of us when we fall. My amazing Institute teacher back home put it in informal language when he envisioned Jesus speaking with Heavenly Father on our behalf: "Don't look at GMP. Look at me. GMP has satisfied the requirements I placed on him, now look at MY perfection to judge him."
What I hope they took away from our conversation (and I wish I had remembered to pray before we talked) is that Mormons believe in salvation by grace as well. None of us is perfect or powerful enough to satisfy the demands of justice that are placed on all of us when we fall. My amazing Institute teacher back home put it in informal language when he envisioned Jesus speaking with Heavenly Father on our behalf: "Don't look at GMP. Look at me. GMP has satisfied the requirements I placed on him, now look at MY perfection to judge him."
They were good kids. I'd love to see what happens to them in the future. I met their friends at the worship service that night and when I asked what the group what they wanted to be when they grew up, their answers were varied except in one aspect: all of them thought and pondered about where their talents and interests could serve God in His kingdom? What kind of high schoolers think about how their dream jobs will help build the Kingdom? How awesome they will be if that continues to be their motivation.
Old Journal Entry-II
Goal for this semester? Write a blog post entirely in Spanish. I bypassed the first year classes and start my Spanish 201 class tomorrow. Haven't taken a language class in five years and I'm pretty freakin' terrified about it, haha.
Here's another old journal entry from awhile back. I wrote this journal for a class and turned it in for the teacher to grade. I'm glad she read it. She offered a lot of interesting insights and called me candid, raw, and warm, which might be the greatest set of attributes ever ascribed to me.
If you haven't already picked up on it, I'm pretty damn emotional. Like, overly emotional and self-absorbed. And way into my problems. But this entry kinda explains why that is and how it's still beneficial for me and my spiritual growth.
_____________________________________
01/20/11
I’ve had an epiphany with this entry. Being in pain doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Pain necessarily is a part of life and refusing to acknowledge it isn’t something that works for me. What I need to do, then, is take the edge off of the pain by seeing it for what it is, then seeing how the Lord is taking me through it. I will still feel that pain and envy towards those who seem to have it easier, but knowing that I can acknowledge my pain to the Lord and to those close to me will be a great blessing.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that I should just shut up about all my problems and start being more grateful for the gifts I’ve been given. I feel like I should have more faith to know that this too shall pass, come what may and love it, and all that. People say that all the time, but do you know how those sayings make me feel? In the words of a good friend, they “trivialize the pain.” And being in pain doesn’t make me less grateful for my car, my money, my schooling, my family, my job, etc. It just means I’m in pain.
_____________________________________
See? Way hung up on pain I have been this semester. But the growth comes when I acknowledge the pain, mourn a little, ask Heavenly Father what to do with it, and put it in the perspective of the parts of His plan that I understand. It's not a perfect system and eventually I'd like to cut the mourning part out of the cycle, but until that happens, I'm gonna keep trying to put things in perspective the way I know how.
Here's another old journal entry from awhile back. I wrote this journal for a class and turned it in for the teacher to grade. I'm glad she read it. She offered a lot of interesting insights and called me candid, raw, and warm, which might be the greatest set of attributes ever ascribed to me.
If you haven't already picked up on it, I'm pretty damn emotional. Like, overly emotional and self-absorbed. And way into my problems. But this entry kinda explains why that is and how it's still beneficial for me and my spiritual growth.
_____________________________________
01/20/11
I’ve had an epiphany with this entry. Being in pain doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Pain necessarily is a part of life and refusing to acknowledge it isn’t something that works for me. What I need to do, then, is take the edge off of the pain by seeing it for what it is, then seeing how the Lord is taking me through it. I will still feel that pain and envy towards those who seem to have it easier, but knowing that I can acknowledge my pain to the Lord and to those close to me will be a great blessing.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that I should just shut up about all my problems and start being more grateful for the gifts I’ve been given. I feel like I should have more faith to know that this too shall pass, come what may and love it, and all that. People say that all the time, but do you know how those sayings make me feel? In the words of a good friend, they “trivialize the pain.” And being in pain doesn’t make me less grateful for my car, my money, my schooling, my family, my job, etc. It just means I’m in pain.
_____________________________________
See? Way hung up on pain I have been this semester. But the growth comes when I acknowledge the pain, mourn a little, ask Heavenly Father what to do with it, and put it in the perspective of the parts of His plan that I understand. It's not a perfect system and eventually I'd like to cut the mourning part out of the cycle, but until that happens, I'm gonna keep trying to put things in perspective the way I know how.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Old Journal Entry
This journal entry is from March 24, 2011. I wrote these words after my school choir participated as the angelic choir in Savior of the World.
In the way of backstory, my friend Toby had just come out to me a few days earlier, which inspired me to return the favor, I suppose. Our relationship became very complicated after that, with him and I now battling constant temptation to yield to our attractions. That complication continues to this day, which is why I felt like I needed to repost some of these old journal entries.
___________________________________________________
Additionally, tonight was rehearsal for Savior of the World. There are certain hymns (and I will call them that) that pierce my soul. The lines inviting Jesus to “come in glory to the earth” and “come to us to rule and reign” send shivers and chills down my body and the humble beseeching of Mary Magdalene and jubilant Alleluias of Mother Mary bring tears of humble joy to my eyes.
There is a line that Mary Magdalene sings of angels admonishing her to “Fear not, Christ is risen this day.” She continues by asking why she mourned after his death, knowing full well that his prophecy of his resurrection would come to pass. It got me thinking. After Jesus died, the earth went through literal hell. The Spirit of the Lord had withdrawn from the world and tumult shook the very foundations of the planet. His absence brought tears, loneliness, and death. And yet, for Mary Magdalene, that Sunday morning washed her fears and concerns away.
Each of us goes through our three days of hell eventually, and often at more than one time in our lives. But Mary Magdalene’s fears were alleviated when she heard her name followed by, “Fear not.”
Right now, I am going through my three days of hell. I am so tempted by Toby, and yet I feel such a love for the Savior. I feel intense loneliness and sorrow in the throes of my trial, and yet, I know that the Lord will bring me through it. I struggle daily with the wish to feel loved, but the Lord fills me with enough light to see through the shadows in my heart. My three days will be punctuated with the phrase, “Fear not, my beloved.”
In the way of backstory, my friend Toby had just come out to me a few days earlier, which inspired me to return the favor, I suppose. Our relationship became very complicated after that, with him and I now battling constant temptation to yield to our attractions. That complication continues to this day, which is why I felt like I needed to repost some of these old journal entries.
___________________________________________________
Additionally, tonight was rehearsal for Savior of the World. There are certain hymns (and I will call them that) that pierce my soul. The lines inviting Jesus to “come in glory to the earth” and “come to us to rule and reign” send shivers and chills down my body and the humble beseeching of Mary Magdalene and jubilant Alleluias of Mother Mary bring tears of humble joy to my eyes.
There is a line that Mary Magdalene sings of angels admonishing her to “Fear not, Christ is risen this day.” She continues by asking why she mourned after his death, knowing full well that his prophecy of his resurrection would come to pass. It got me thinking. After Jesus died, the earth went through literal hell. The Spirit of the Lord had withdrawn from the world and tumult shook the very foundations of the planet. His absence brought tears, loneliness, and death. And yet, for Mary Magdalene, that Sunday morning washed her fears and concerns away.
Each of us goes through our three days of hell eventually, and often at more than one time in our lives. But Mary Magdalene’s fears were alleviated when she heard her name followed by, “Fear not.”
Right now, I am going through my three days of hell. I am so tempted by Toby, and yet I feel such a love for the Savior. I feel intense loneliness and sorrow in the throes of my trial, and yet, I know that the Lord will bring me through it. I struggle daily with the wish to feel loved, but the Lord fills me with enough light to see through the shadows in my heart. My three days will be punctuated with the phrase, “Fear not, my beloved.”
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Mommy Dearest
Tonight, my parents and some of our family friends and I went to see The Adjustment Bureau, which for a guy in my situation was a mistake. A movie about true love rising above all odds and altering the plans that the almighty Chairman lays out has the capability to produce pretty revolutionary thoughts in a confused Mormon kid's head. Luckily for me it wasn't a very good movie, so I can't take its message too seriously.
As we piled into the Suburban, we naturally started talking about the movie. My parents were up front, their friends were in the middle seat, and their friends' daughter, Kay, who is a very good friend of mine, sat in the back seat with me. Somehow, Kay's mother drew some kind of parallel between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt's characters with Bill and Hilary Clinton, which launched the car into a political division, in which I became a distinct minority of one.
The debate was what made Clinton a good president. I brought up the work he did for Chinese-American relations, the economic boom the country experienced during his presidency, some of the good social programs he initiated, etc. My mom, who is an outspoken and vibrant Clinton-basher, said that he was as despicable a president as John F. Kennedy. We asked why she felt like Kennedy was such a terrible president, even amid the inspiring, ground-breaking, and positive contributions he'd made to the country and the world at large. Her answer cut me as deep as I've ever been cut in my life.
"For me, I am incapable of looking past those kinds of unrighteous actions to see a person's good qualities."
I only recently told my mom that I'm gay. She was a champion in that conversation, full of support and encouragement. She spoke of her faith that I could serve a mission and that I could do a lot of good in the Church. She said that my problems with pornography and masturbation could become things of the past and I could have as much strength as I needed to overcome those challenges. And she also said that she knows that the Lord works miracles every day and that someday, he might release me from this burden of same-gender attraction.
A few days ago I told her about the UP with whom I had dinner at the end of the semester. I let her in regarding my feelings about Toby and how attracted I was to him. I reassured her constantly that I'm still worthy and I'm still working towards serving a mission, but I wanted to let her know how hard it has been for me this semester. I'm trying to let people into my world and I want her to feel like I'm making an effort to keep her in my circle of trust.
That effort seemed to be for nothing tonight. I know my mom didn't mean that my unrighteous desires negate my positive attributes, but that's how it felt a little bit. I'm sure she didn't even think of how what she said would affect me, but it doesn't change the fact that she said it.
I am a good person. I care for other people, I donate lots and lots of time to my friends, I bear other people up, I pick up litter, I include others in my social groups and activities, and I'm honest in my dealings with others. And yet, I feel like none of that would matter to my mom if I decided to go gay.
I wonder a little bit if she didn't say what she did to scare me "straight." In my mind, maybe she wanted to send me a message that such deplorable behavior as homosexuality would doom me, no matter how honorable I was the rest of the time. I mostly believe that it was just insensitivity and a poor brain-mouth filter that made her say what she said, but as Freud postulated, nothing we say is accidental.
I love my mom and I know that she loves me, but the way she acted tonight makes it obvious that she's a long way from really understanding the roads that some of God's children are called to walk. For now, faith in the Atonement will have to be all the support I should expect from her.
As we piled into the Suburban, we naturally started talking about the movie. My parents were up front, their friends were in the middle seat, and their friends' daughter, Kay, who is a very good friend of mine, sat in the back seat with me. Somehow, Kay's mother drew some kind of parallel between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt's characters with Bill and Hilary Clinton, which launched the car into a political division, in which I became a distinct minority of one.
The debate was what made Clinton a good president. I brought up the work he did for Chinese-American relations, the economic boom the country experienced during his presidency, some of the good social programs he initiated, etc. My mom, who is an outspoken and vibrant Clinton-basher, said that he was as despicable a president as John F. Kennedy. We asked why she felt like Kennedy was such a terrible president, even amid the inspiring, ground-breaking, and positive contributions he'd made to the country and the world at large. Her answer cut me as deep as I've ever been cut in my life.
"For me, I am incapable of looking past those kinds of unrighteous actions to see a person's good qualities."
I only recently told my mom that I'm gay. She was a champion in that conversation, full of support and encouragement. She spoke of her faith that I could serve a mission and that I could do a lot of good in the Church. She said that my problems with pornography and masturbation could become things of the past and I could have as much strength as I needed to overcome those challenges. And she also said that she knows that the Lord works miracles every day and that someday, he might release me from this burden of same-gender attraction.
A few days ago I told her about the UP with whom I had dinner at the end of the semester. I let her in regarding my feelings about Toby and how attracted I was to him. I reassured her constantly that I'm still worthy and I'm still working towards serving a mission, but I wanted to let her know how hard it has been for me this semester. I'm trying to let people into my world and I want her to feel like I'm making an effort to keep her in my circle of trust.
That effort seemed to be for nothing tonight. I know my mom didn't mean that my unrighteous desires negate my positive attributes, but that's how it felt a little bit. I'm sure she didn't even think of how what she said would affect me, but it doesn't change the fact that she said it.
I am a good person. I care for other people, I donate lots and lots of time to my friends, I bear other people up, I pick up litter, I include others in my social groups and activities, and I'm honest in my dealings with others. And yet, I feel like none of that would matter to my mom if I decided to go gay.
I wonder a little bit if she didn't say what she did to scare me "straight." In my mind, maybe she wanted to send me a message that such deplorable behavior as homosexuality would doom me, no matter how honorable I was the rest of the time. I mostly believe that it was just insensitivity and a poor brain-mouth filter that made her say what she said, but as Freud postulated, nothing we say is accidental.
I love my mom and I know that she loves me, but the way she acted tonight makes it obvious that she's a long way from really understanding the roads that some of God's children are called to walk. For now, faith in the Atonement will have to be all the support I should expect from her.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Straight Talk
Lately, I've been having lots of strange and random conversations about same-gender attraction with people who don't know that I'm gay and it's been interesting talking about it from the role of a straight man. Tonight, Chris, a new friend of mine, and I were talking on Facebook about homosexuality a little bit. He and I met when a mutual friend gave him my phone number since we were both 21 and hadn't served missions. He wanted to know other people in his situation; he's had trouble with over-zealous and judgmental members of the Church being rude and accusatory towards him. His willingness to be set up on a blind friend-date was kind of off-putting to me at first, but he's a good guy and I like talking to him. We've only actually met once, but we get along well in person, too. I'm not attracted to him at all, but I like him as a friend.
In any case, his gregariousness in being introduced to a total stranger had my gaydar blipping a little bit, but after tonight's conversation, it's pinging like I'm in West Hollywood. We talked a lot about how difficult it must be for gay members of the Church. Somehow we got on the subject of gay members at the school we attend. He said that for the first time, he didn't know any people at the university who struggled with SGA. He used to attend one of the other BYUs and he said he knew of a huge network of men there who struggled. We got talking about the risks and merits of having such a system in life (speaking hypothetically, of course).
My point was that I, as a straight man, have a hard enough time keeping things appropriate with girls, where there is a physical outlet in the vein of kissing, hugging, and holding hands. If, however, I were gay, there wouldn't be any socially acceptable activity to show my affections for men and that pent-up need, combined with the temptation, might be too much for me to handle if I knew of other men who were gay.
This of course was speaking from experience. I have a friend named Toby and we mutually know the other is gay, and for us, it's very difficult to keep things appropriate. We like holding hands when we drive in the car and we've gotten into a little trouble with cuddling together and random kisses on the cheek. It's difficult to back down from those activities and keep them from going further than they already have. Having a network wider than the one person I already know is gay would be torture for me.
Chris' point, I suspect also coming from experience, was that living a lie is exhausting (I agree) and that you need to have people that really understand you. That's the alluring part about my relationship with Toby. He gets me to a certain extent, and I really love that. We don't see eye to eye on many things, including things of a religious nature, but neither of us are out in the public eye and both of us are struggling to reconcile a testimony with a tempting lifestyle choice. Chris brought up a friend of his who decided that a life in the Gospel wasn't worth giving up who he really was and giving up his happiness in this life. I have to say, I respect that viewpoint, but I think it comes from misinformation, or at the very least, a different perspective from mine.
My perspective is that while I am gay and I really want to be happy and fulfilled romantically in this life, I also have an equally persuasive side of me that tells me that a mission is the only way forward and building a relationship with Jesus Christ in His restored gospel is another vital key to happiness. For me, the two parts of me are at odds with each other and I don't want to give either one up, even though I will have to eventually.
That's why Chris' friend's solution isn't an acceptable one for me. I'm too rooted in the Gospel to believe that leaving it would make me happy; yet, I understand why his friend thinks that it would. I'm similarly too rooted in my same-gender attractions to believe that fully giving them up would be a good choice for my earthly happiness. As I said earlier today, I need to develop the eternal perspective to know that my joy in this life should come secondary to my happiness in the eternities.
Another topic Chris and I talked about was the lesson that gay people are supposed to learn from their trials. I'm dying to know what this struggle of SGA is preparing them (us) for. I'd love to get a glimpse of that knowledge, but as Chris said, "Someday, you'll get to find out why." That someday isn't today and I shouldn't let that make me bitter. Chris also mused on the judgment that gay people, both practicing and latent, will receive in the end. My friend Toby has been abused and lived a gay lifestyle before joining the church, so I have to believe there will be a lot of lenience in his case, but for me, I don't know. I've grown up in the Church and unless I'm repressing a memory, I never was called upon to bear the burden of sexual abuse. How much tolerance can I expect? Then again, the scriptures say that no matter who you are, you're never to be tested above your ability (1 Corinthians 10:13), so I suppose none of us can expect to see tolerance or a slap on the wrist when it comes down to judgment.
It was interesting seeing all of these things from the viewpoint of a straight guy (if Chris actually believes I'm straight). And he's either as gay as a Maypole or the most understanding straight guy in the Church. I hope it's the latter; I don't want him to have to walk such a complicated and confusing road.
Afterthought: Even though it's strange and confusing, life is still good. Today I went with a good friend from high school to dinner. My friend looked amazing, it was a warm, sunny day, and we were driving in my mom's Mustang convertible, so how bad could life really be? Beautiful girl, beautiful weather, beautiful car. Good day in my book.
In any case, his gregariousness in being introduced to a total stranger had my gaydar blipping a little bit, but after tonight's conversation, it's pinging like I'm in West Hollywood. We talked a lot about how difficult it must be for gay members of the Church. Somehow we got on the subject of gay members at the school we attend. He said that for the first time, he didn't know any people at the university who struggled with SGA. He used to attend one of the other BYUs and he said he knew of a huge network of men there who struggled. We got talking about the risks and merits of having such a system in life (speaking hypothetically, of course).
My point was that I, as a straight man, have a hard enough time keeping things appropriate with girls, where there is a physical outlet in the vein of kissing, hugging, and holding hands. If, however, I were gay, there wouldn't be any socially acceptable activity to show my affections for men and that pent-up need, combined with the temptation, might be too much for me to handle if I knew of other men who were gay.
This of course was speaking from experience. I have a friend named Toby and we mutually know the other is gay, and for us, it's very difficult to keep things appropriate. We like holding hands when we drive in the car and we've gotten into a little trouble with cuddling together and random kisses on the cheek. It's difficult to back down from those activities and keep them from going further than they already have. Having a network wider than the one person I already know is gay would be torture for me.
Chris' point, I suspect also coming from experience, was that living a lie is exhausting (I agree) and that you need to have people that really understand you. That's the alluring part about my relationship with Toby. He gets me to a certain extent, and I really love that. We don't see eye to eye on many things, including things of a religious nature, but neither of us are out in the public eye and both of us are struggling to reconcile a testimony with a tempting lifestyle choice. Chris brought up a friend of his who decided that a life in the Gospel wasn't worth giving up who he really was and giving up his happiness in this life. I have to say, I respect that viewpoint, but I think it comes from misinformation, or at the very least, a different perspective from mine.
My perspective is that while I am gay and I really want to be happy and fulfilled romantically in this life, I also have an equally persuasive side of me that tells me that a mission is the only way forward and building a relationship with Jesus Christ in His restored gospel is another vital key to happiness. For me, the two parts of me are at odds with each other and I don't want to give either one up, even though I will have to eventually.
That's why Chris' friend's solution isn't an acceptable one for me. I'm too rooted in the Gospel to believe that leaving it would make me happy; yet, I understand why his friend thinks that it would. I'm similarly too rooted in my same-gender attractions to believe that fully giving them up would be a good choice for my earthly happiness. As I said earlier today, I need to develop the eternal perspective to know that my joy in this life should come secondary to my happiness in the eternities.
Another topic Chris and I talked about was the lesson that gay people are supposed to learn from their trials. I'm dying to know what this struggle of SGA is preparing them (us) for. I'd love to get a glimpse of that knowledge, but as Chris said, "Someday, you'll get to find out why." That someday isn't today and I shouldn't let that make me bitter. Chris also mused on the judgment that gay people, both practicing and latent, will receive in the end. My friend Toby has been abused and lived a gay lifestyle before joining the church, so I have to believe there will be a lot of lenience in his case, but for me, I don't know. I've grown up in the Church and unless I'm repressing a memory, I never was called upon to bear the burden of sexual abuse. How much tolerance can I expect? Then again, the scriptures say that no matter who you are, you're never to be tested above your ability (1 Corinthians 10:13), so I suppose none of us can expect to see tolerance or a slap on the wrist when it comes down to judgment.
It was interesting seeing all of these things from the viewpoint of a straight guy (if Chris actually believes I'm straight). And he's either as gay as a Maypole or the most understanding straight guy in the Church. I hope it's the latter; I don't want him to have to walk such a complicated and confusing road.
Afterthought: Even though it's strange and confusing, life is still good. Today I went with a good friend from high school to dinner. My friend looked amazing, it was a warm, sunny day, and we were driving in my mom's Mustang convertible, so how bad could life really be? Beautiful girl, beautiful weather, beautiful car. Good day in my book.
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