Tonight's meeting with Bishop was a game changer

I have come to realize that I am incredibly blessed with the priesthood leadership I have.  I've heard so many people say that they'll never tell their bishops anything again for fear of being lambasted, bullied, demonized and unfairly punished. This phenomenon was on my mind as I went to see my bishop today.

I've never been scared of him. He's never dealt with me unjustly. In fact, he usually ends up talking me out of whatever punishment I've given myself. But still, those sad experiences of others were on my mind as I gratefully entered my loving bishop's office.

He asked about my holidays, what I did for New Year's Eve, if I was working, et cetera.  I gave him polite answers.  We had a perfectly normal conversation until he asked why I wasn't returning to school this semester.

I dropped my shoulders, looked down, and said, "I don't know."

Quick Journal Entry from Vacation

So, I know I keep saying how my vaca was a respite from queermo, but the reality of it was that I am a gay Mormon whether or not I'm in the United States or in Australia or in Nairobi. I'm going to think about it, no matter how exotic my locale, especially when the men of that locale tend to be pretty exotic as well.

ANYWAY

A few weeks before my trip, my brother came out to visit. He was actually moving across the country and passed through on his way. He'd mentioned that his SUV was having a hard time towing the car hauler and his wife's car, so I volunteered to drive it the rest of the way for him so he could unload it and return the car hauler and enjoy a more relaxing, easier drive.

(It seems like my lot in life is to deliver cars for people. That might be a bad thing if I didn't love it so much. Plus, his wife drives a NICE car.)

We were returning the car hauler to the local U-Haul and I ran into an old friend I met at school who lives nearby. I was asking about his singles ward and some people I knew there, including one acquaintance I have who was less active when he attended my ward. My friend said that he was inactive and I expressed a little disappointment. My friend replied, "Well, he's gay, so..."
After we finished checking in the car hauler, as my brother and I got in his car, he asked, "Does that make you feel awkward when Mormons talk about other Mormons who are gay?"

Well, in the moment, no, but after some thinking, I've decided it does. I ruminated on this a lot when I was on vacation, for whatever reason.

In the LDS culture, being gay is somehow a get-out-of-reactivation-efforts-free card. Being gay (as defined as living the lifestyle) means there's nothing a well-meaning home teacher or elder's quorum president could say to bring you back into the fold, so they think.

This thought troubles me in a few ways.

One, it seems to convey the message that gay is just one step beyond reparable.  Addict? We have a Family Services program with 12 steps designed just for you.  Philanderer? The Gospel of Jesus Christ can fill that void in your heart.  But gay? Sorry man, we got nothin'.

Two, I dislike the attitude of pity with which we address the lapsed-into-gayhood Mormon. "Did you hear about so-and-so?" "Oh, poor guy."  "That's so sad, he was such a good home teacher."  Somehow, being gay seems to be like a trainwreck you hear about on the news. No one could have done anything to prevent it, and so they stand around watching the news of the gay guy's spiritual death with eyes dry with pity instead of wet with sympathy or love.

And three, the incongruence with which the first two things exist with the idea that everyone needs to bridle their passions for a higher cause.  Apparently, being gay is simultaneously something you should fight, but also some kind of terminal spiritual disease that is impossible to overcome and therefore warrants a quarantine against religion or fellowship.

I could be a little sensitive because I haven't been an actively participating part of either the gay scene or the Mormon scene for awhile now, but the hypocrisy with which we regard lapsed, gay Mormons is an offense against God, because His commandments and teachings advocated reaching out to the sinner more than the saint. It's also an offense towards the gay man because it sends the signal that his lifestyle choice is beyond repair, even if we tried to bring him back.

I don't know for what I am advocating here, because for the scads of Mormons who leave the church because they are gay, the lack of fellowship is probably welcome and refreshing. It somehow seems very disingenuous, so for a solution I'll have to hypothesize a little more.

For another blogger's view of this whole fellowshipping-the-gays situation, read Name Withheld, over at unnatural selection [sic]. The gay biologist has a pretty fresh view of it.

SS, DD

Good news and bad news.

Those rockin' awesome wounds I had from a few days ago? They're feeling less fresh. For the most part, I can get through my day without constantly being distracted by what a basketcase I am. There are moments when I just can't get started on life, but I guess that's to be expected after a near-breakdown like I had Sunday and Monday.

I'm going back to therapy. This experience has scared me enough to make me think that I'm really ill-equipped for crises. I've got an appointment with my old friend Max this Friday and I'm making a fix-it list for her today so I make sure to cover everything. I'm looking forward to it, I've really missed having someone to talk to. In spite of their best efforts, the Evergreen support group I used to go to made me really uncomfortable and I just couldn't be honest with them like I could with Max.

So, that's all good. Plus, there's all of you, the people in my life, who have gone out of their way to make sure I'm feeling loved. As syrupy as it still feels to me, I'm grateful for the motivations and intentions behind those kind words.

But a nice little negative consequence of my recent insanity came up today. My mom (who doesn't know what a rough time I've been having lately) asked about my mission papers and going to the temple. The time has come when I can start moving forward on those two options for my life and I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like going to the temple right now is a huge mistake because, frankly, I'm kind of angry with God right now. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do and I feel really alone in more ways than one.

Like I said earlier, no option feels correct. I feel like I can't just leave the church and go gay, but church has been making me so unhappy lately. My motivation to sink myself deeper into its doctrine (much less proclaim that doctrine to others) is zero right now. I'm really hoping I just need some time to get my head around all this, but frankly, what if this kind of meltdown happens while I'm on my mission? What kind of hell could that wreak?

When I was a baby, I had pneumonia really bad. My childhood doctor came over for a visit one day after church, listened to my chest and told my parents that I had to get to the hospital immediately. A few days later, that same doctor told my parents that they needed "to prepare" themselves, because I wasn't getting better and if I didn't rally soon, they were going to lose me.

I guess today I feel a little like that doctor. I need to tell my parents that they need to prepare themselves. It's different because I'm not getting worse and they're not going to lose me, but I'm afraid my life isn't going to turn out quite like I planned it, at least in the near future.

One in a Million

So last night, I was relaxing after a long, long, long day of work and school. I started falling asleep, which is actually something I didn't want to happen, because I had a date that I needed to be fresh and awake for in a few minutes.  To entertain myself and stay awake, I started doing little math teasers in my head.

To preface, this is not unusual for me.  I don't really care for math classes, but I like doing math teasers.  One time, when I was driving home from Utah, I stopped every hour and filled up on gas, checking my fuel economy with my odometer and comparing that with the fuel economy readout on my car's on-board computer.  Some people think that's weird.  I prefer the term charming.

So as I was trying to stay awake, I was just thinking about what an unusual circumstance I find myself in.  I am gay, and a Mormon, and a prospective missionary.  What are the odds, I thought.  Then I decided to find the odds.

Okay, so I'm Mormon.  That's 14 million people out of a possible 7 billion, which is a 1 in 500 set of odds.  I'm gay as well, which, according to some (wildly pro-gay) claims accounts for one out of every ten people.  So far, I'm 1 in 5,000, probably more.  Next, I'm a prospective missionary, which potentially puts me in a bank of 50,000, which, compared to the 14 million in the church is one of every 280 people.  When I serve a mission, then, I will be one person in 1.4 million.  That is impressive to me, and motivates me to serve even more.  I like rarity :)

(I'm surprised that one out of every 500 people is Mormon.  That seems high to me.  Someone correct my math if it's wrong.  Also, I know you could have gotten to the answer quicker, I just wanted to take up more blog space.)

Life Update and Some Thoughts on Dating

Some of my friends and family who read my blog have been asking me a few questions as of late, which has led to lots of introspection and pondering on my part.

First, my sister has been asking me about how things are going and I've been honest with her about it. Things are going great for me. I've got some distance between me and pornography (no doubt helped by my computer's unfortunate status as deceased), I'm still on the road leading to a mission, I've got some great friends who know my story and some other great friends who don't, and I'm passing all of my classes (incluyendo español! Es un milagro!).

I'm also making new friends who are helping me understand what it takes to be gay and Mormon and who are encouraging me to be as religious and active as possible, which feels great after the hot mess that was Toby. I was afraid that if I ever was out to another gay person again, all he'd really be looking for was sex, so it's refreshing to see that there are people who can be supportive without angling for something else.

Another friend asked me something a little surprising and deep the other day. We were talking about dating and being Mormon and gay and what implications all that had on our lives.  We had been discussing whether or not dating girls was a good idea, but it made me start thinking about what it would be like to just date and meet guys, without it becoming a relationship.  With Toby, dating was never a part of the picture.  We got together, we cuddled, we made out, we split.  There was rarely introspection or sharing of emotions and goals.  It was mostly sexual/sensual for us.  So I'm naturally curious what it would be like to go on a normal, non-physical, get-to-know-you first date with a man, like so many of the first dates I've had with women.

My friend asked, "Wouldn't dating a guy be counterproductive, given all that you're trying to accomplish?"  That, friends, is the question of the hour. Would dating a guy be a bad choice even if we were able to keep the dating chaste?

My initial response because of my upbringing would be to say, "Yes, dating someone of the same gender is bad, no matter what."  But in my mind there are a million little justifications, like, "It'd be nice to have someone to confide in," and, "Maybe we could help each other be good," and, "Dating a girl is not sinful as long as we don't have sex or go too far, so why should dating a guy be any different?"

These are rationalizations I used when I saw Toby.  I would go to his house under the pretense of him needing to talk, and once we ended up kissing for like, an hour.  I don't necessarily feel guilty for any of that, but I also acknowledge that it wasn't emotionally or spiritually fulfilling, and it certainly wasn't a relationship of confidence or helping each other be good.

Given that I want to serve a mission, in spite of my misgivings towards the church regarding homosexuality, I reckon that dating would be counterproductive. And in spite of my attraction to those new friends (one in particular), I'm grateful they still encourage and champion my desire to serve a mission and leave their  attractions off the table.