I am always so honored whenever I hear of how my story has changed another person. I don't really like tooting my own horn (blogging on topics like this notwithstanding) but I'm grateful for those people who have reached out to me and helped me along my own spiritual journey as well. So this is a post that goes out to just about everyone who's ever commented, e-mailed, blogged, Facebooked, Buzzed, Blinged, tweeted, plus'd, Grinded (yes, even Grindr can have positive uses [this one's for you, BDA]), WHATEVER, in my direction. Hearing your stories have been a great help to me and I'm so thankful for your support and love.
The most recent example has been White Birch Girl. She is a member of another faith who is not gay, so having her reach out to me was something of an anomaly. Nonetheless, she is a deeply sensitive woman and she has lots of thoughts worth sharing.
I'm not linking to her because she linked to me. I'm linking to her because I think she has an amazing viewpoint that deserves more attention than it gets. Her blog is somewhat scattered, which is refreshing. She doesn't post about being a "birch" or being a "girl," she posts on whatever is on her mind. I appreciate that so much. I especially love her post on suicide and math. She is a thoughtful person, not in that she's considerate (although I'm sure she is), but in that she thinks on things. Check out her blog. It's worth a read.
Photo copyright Susan Sweeny, inmygarden.org/, via Wikimedia Commons.
Three years ago, Joshua Wolf Shenk wrote an article for The Atlantic about one of the longest and most comprehensive longitudinal studies ever carried out. The study, which started in 1939, asked for lifelong commitments from 237 Harvard physically and mentally healthy sophomore males. The men would undergo a comprehensive initial physical and mental evaluation and would answer questions about their home lives and upbringing. Then, every few years, the men would fill out questionnaires about their lives at that point in an attempt to evaluate how financial, relationship and familial success correlated with happiness. The conclusions were fascinating and I highly recommend reading the above-linked article all the way through. It's long and daunting, but very interesting.
As you might expect, many men who'd achieved giddy professional success were sad and unfulfilled. Many of their relationships fell apart. Some were alcoholics. A few committed suicide or died early from preventable causes. There's pretty obvious data about what not to do if you want to be happy and live a long life: don't smoke and don't drink. But what should you do?
"He Might Be a Moho If..." is one of the most hilarious, true to life examples of the genre, at least for me. It had me in stitches the whole time I was reading. Let's evaluate, shall we? [Sidebar: I really, really hate the term "moho." It sounds so lame to me. Non-mohos, it means MOrmon HOmosexual.]
Number 8: When he refers to the type of “person” he’s attracted to, pay attention to whether he EVER indicates a gender. Just a thought.
Back at home, we have this word we use to describe those who haven't made out in 6 months or more. Until I was 22, I had never made out, but when I did the deed with Toby, the next time the conversation came up with my friends at home, they found out that I'd made out. Naturally, they asked for a description of, ostensibly, the girl, so I was forced to describe this dude I smooched using gender-neutral pronouns and adjectives: "beard-burn" was obviously out.
Number 16: Watch his eyes during a kissing or love scene–does he even notice there’s a woman there?
Both Easy A and Crazy Stupid Love were tossups between Emma Stone and Penn Badgley and Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling for me. I love Emma Stone, but damned if Penn and RyGos didn't make the teapot whistle...
Number 17: When introduced to groups of people, he connects with the best-looking guy first. Or the exact opposite for those a bit more adept at avoidance or repression–they connect with the homeliest girl.
Guilty. Constantly scanning for the best prospects, I am. Number 18: When caught checking out a guy, he immediately scans the room like he was just scanning all along. …or he looks the girl next to the guy up and down like he was just sizing up his competition. …no, I haven’t done that.
Indeed. I've even done the fake "sizing up your competition" thing.
Number 24: He makes friends with the best-looking elders in his quorum at Elders Quorum BBQs, all while artfully dodging questions about why he doesn’t date.
I'm somewhat convinced that if my best friends in the ward suddenly became not-hot, I'd stop liking them a little bit. Sorry guys.
Number 28: While walking through the mall, he shoots a casual glance in the Victoria’s Secret window, looking away quickly to show his remarkable self discipline like a good LDS guy should, but he lingers at American Eagle or A & F.
I purposely linger in front of the lingerie stores when I'm with guys so they think that's how I like it.
And finally, the best one... Number 29: When confronted with the underwear section at Target (or other applicable store), one of two things occurs: He either avoids it like the plague, or he spends an inordinate amount of time ‘browsing.’ Option two is especially true if he wears garments.
I have a love/hate relationship with the underwear aisle at Target. The men on those packages are like the beta test for the male form, plus the models gotta be able to shape the underwear masculinely, if you know what I mean... I want to avoid it, but as I am not endowed yet, I have to go there at least once or twice a year. It's the chore I hate to love.
There's a treasure trove of amusement on those old posts. It's pretty great.
The relaunch of Northern Lights has been pretty cool, but if I pointed out a fault, it'd be that it's got a very serious tone so far. That's to be expected, because each of us who is blogging is obviously facing a scary facet of a very complicated life situation. But still, I'm hoping that humor will infiltrate the blog again soon.
A friend of mine showed me the most redankalous YouTube video a few days ago. Like, so awesome that I'm jealous I wasn't a part of it. If you have a spare five minutes, enjoy it.
Off. The. Chain. It's had me talking street since I saw it. I had to look up like half the words on Urban Dictionary but I love it so much. So that's why I just called myself homeboy. Now you know.
Anyway, homeboy's feeling a little lonesome tonight. Not like that's news to anyone, it seems like every other post is a sad post on my part. Blogging tends to bring that out in me. I promise I'm not like this in real life. Mostly.
Last night, we were watching The Return of the King and everyone we were watching with was commentating the whole. damn. movie. Which is seriously my biggest issue with watching movies with friends. I'm like, sit down, shut up and enjoy the movie. And pass the popcorn.
Alright, so we're watching this awesome movie and people are talking over it and every time Frodo comes on the screen, everyone jeers and mocks. To be fair, Elijah Wood played Frodo very weak; he was kind of an anti-hero who was constitutionally incapable of being strong.
But I kind of identify with that a lot. Frodo didn't volunteer to carry the ring to Mount Doom, but when he was chosen, he took up the responsibility. He knew his duty and did his best to accomplish what he needed to. But at the end of the day, he was a meek Hobbit, ill-equipped by nature of his birth to fight orcs and lunatics. (Besides, I'd bet even the mighty Aragorn would have a hard time hiking through Mordor five minutes after being stung by a huge spider.)
So as if the senseless mocking of one of the great characters in fiction wasn't enough, then the gay jokes started coming. Sam's tireless devotion to Frodo, Frodo waking up after the adventure to the smiling faces of his three friends in bed with him, Gandalf the Gay Grey watching over the whole lot with quiet satisfaction. I dunno, I love this awesome group of people I call my friends, but there are definitely a few sheltered Mormon kids who grew up in small, conservative areas and don't really understand the art of tact when it comes to sensitive issues like homosexuality. Or race. Or science. It made me want to stand up, yell "I'M GAY, YOU DOUCHEBAGS!" and run from the room, just to prove some point.
Thankfully, I didn't do that. But I did stew about it all night. I dreamt about it and woke up so mad at the world (and my roommates) this morning. And thankfully, that too passed at the first of many selfless things they did for me today. They're good people and I don't really censure them too much for their points of view.
But still, it just brings me back to that year-old consideration of mine: should I come out? Would it be a good idea to show the world and the church that "normal" guys like me can be gay without being flaming? Or would that just subject me to the ridicule that usually gets reserved for Samwise and Frodo?
It's all good, it really is. The people who know are supportive and fantastic and I love them for it. Really, they're all the support a guy needs. I just wonder sometimes.
BYU hosted a panel put on by the student group Understanding Same-Gender Attraction wherein members of the openly-gay community at BYU (estimated to number around 1800) answered questions and gave prepared statements on what it's like to be a gay member of the LDS church. Read that article linked; it's pretty fascinating. I suppose the general overtone of the article is that many avenues are open to gay members. Marriage is a very cautiously advised option, as is celibacy, and there's always the agency to enjoy a same-gender relationship, either with or without partial fellowship within the Church.
Next, the same group made this video for the Trevor Project:
The It Gets Better movement is a project I haven't quite made up my mind about yet. Obviously, I am absolutely in favor of supporting teens who suppose their only option is suicide or self-harm, and life really does get better. I love that it engenders awareness about the bullying of homosexuals or other "different" people and seeks to bring the numbers of those bullied down. As a hopefully-faithful member of the LDS church, I shy away from things that normalize and encourage homosexuality, but on the whole, the Trevor Project is doing good things and I appreciate that.
The video that was made by BYU USGA is great. I love the message it shares that we as a gospel culture are capable of becoming more understanding and more loving, which is exactly the message I wanted to send with my guest post at Modern Mormon Men (read it if you haven't! I'm so proud of it!). Additionally, it reaches out to members of the church who may be struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality and the seeming contradiction between what feel like natural attractions and what feels like an all-encompassing testimony. I also appreciate that it acknowledges that for the majority of us, it wasn't a choice. And I also am grateful that the video shows the danger in bargaining with God to take away this attraction through over-righteousness and obsessive stifling of the offending thoughts. That bargaining can burn a person out, and I know from experience.
However, I fear that the video might send mixed messages to the world regarding our church's stance on homosexuality. In the video, none of the students address how they live with or deal with their homosexuality. It's never mentioned or alluded to, but a reasonable person might make the assumption that these courageous people are living homosexual lifestyles and that the school is okay with that, which obviously isn't (or shouldn't be) the case. What could have been a great opportunity to tell the world that religious and spiritual fulfillment can be more valuable than physical and emotional fulfillment was instead spent in moral ambiguity.
Another minor concern I have with the video is that it might be glorifying that particular challenge over another's. For example, most drug abusers don't strut around saying that they would love to do lines and smoke bowls and shoot up, but instead are following the path of the Gospel. I know it's a clunky metaphor and that the video does lots more than highlight the challenges of same-gender attraction, but the argument could be made that the students featured in the video are glorifying their challenges.
Still, I would never be audacious or misinformed enough to call USGA's efforts a waste. They are highlighting that, in spite of the compelled anonymity in which some of us live, there are so many of us out there and we are doing our best to act on what we know to be true. I'm so grateful for their efforts and I feel more and more inspired by their courage to do more to reach out to others as best I can.
Sidebar (although it probably deserves its own post): I think I'm going to tell the rest of my family. I have a dad and two brothers who don't know, at least not officially, and I think it's time to let them in on everything. I'm excited and only a little nervous, which I think is a good sign that it's the right decision, perhaps one that should have been made years ago.
Once I made a list of all the places I wanted to see in the world. It started out as my short list, but then it got longer and longer until it filled two columns on two pages. That kind of depresses me, if I'm honest.
I'm not usually too big on modern dance, but this little video caught my eye. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. What picture do you paint on its blank canvas?
This is hands down one of the most fun and intricate videos I've seen in a very long time. It was shot entirely on a Nokia phone for a promotion the company sponsored. It had me enthralled the whole time and by the end, yes, I was a little bit misty.
