A ludicrously long hiatus: God's blessings continue

It's been months since my last post. Blogging here has become simultaneously tedious and risky, so I haven't seen much of the appeal behind it.

However, on recommendation from a friend who has always believed in my ability to "pioneer," I've decided to share a little about my life lately.

Some of you noticed that I wrote a blog post about the BYU-Idaho Student Honor Office a few months ago.  I decided to delete the post because I felt it was insensitive and petty.  I've rewritten it, but I can't decide if I'll post it. Time will tell, I suppose.

The long and short of that first deleted post was this: In May of this year, I was suspended from BYU-Idaho until April 2015, when I can apply to attend school in April 2016.  Effectively, I was removed from the school for nearly two years. I acknowledge my wrongdoing in being suspended, but I felt somewhat wronged by the school, that justice had been served with exactness and severity, but no mercy was extended. I could write a book filled with the negative feelings I had (and still have), but my message tonight is a different one.

Thanksgiving 2012

It's that time of year again [retrospectively, I think all of my posts about holidays include this phrase. Lexophile FTL].

Thanksgiving is upon us today and what a great holiday it is.  I've been doing the lame Facebook trend of picking something different each day to be grateful for and posting a status update about it.  Only, I ran into a nasty problem early on because I used generalities for about the first week (grateful for food, grateful for health, grateful for temporal blessings, etc.) so I rapidly had to start reusing and refining those blessings for new statuses (stati?).  This wouldn't be a problem if you weren't as anal as I am, but the lack of continuity/pattern drives me nuts haha.  So I'm not grateful for that.

Since I'm not out publicly (although I may as well be since everyone and their dog already knows), I can't really post a lot of gay stuff on my Facebook. And that's where my blog comes in. Here we go.
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November 1: I'm grateful that blogging exists. I can't write in a journal because I'm more motivated to write if I feel loyalty to an audience, even if that audience hates my writing, haha.

November 2: I'm grateful for [specific friend #1] for wanting to come with me to Circling the Wagons and for trying to understand his gay brothers and sisters better (as if he needed the help. He's already one of the most loving, least judgmental people I know).

November 3: I'm grateful for Circling the Wagons and the encouragement it gave me to not only be more faithful but more compassionate, loving and tolerant as well.

November 4: I'm grateful for the pacesetters who have shown me several different happy life paths, all of which include the Gospel and could be good choices for me as well.

November 5: I'm grateful for a bishop who really gets how to help me through and fellow ward members who love me even though I'm on the fringe most of the time (even if not all of them know how fringe I am).

November 6: I'm grateful to be back to work and that my job helps me learn how to be just a bit more manly, fixing things and lifting pallets and getting dirty and bein' manly!

November 7: I'm grateful that I am learning, day by day, to be a little more secure in myself and comfortable in my skin and genuinely proud of who I am becoming, homosexuality and all.

November 8: I'm grateful for the occasional glimpses of eternal perspective I get, where I see how my tendencies, temptations and proclivities have helped me and will probably continue to help me love, support and encourage others, regardless of their problems.

November 9: I'm grateful for my parents, both of whom try so hard to understand what makes me tick and who have really developed a firm grasp of how everything fits together.

November 10: I'm grateful for [specific friend #2] because he has to fight really hard to stay sober from pornography, and therefore has learned a lot of great tactics that he teaches to others.

November 11: I'm grateful for the gift of beautiful music that soothes the savage beast inside me. No matter how horny or freaked out I can get, a few specific songs can calm me down and remind me who I am and what I'm capable of.

November 12: I'm grateful for my sister. She's the first person I ever told I was gay and she's been my champion since that day (and in fact for a long time before that). No matter what I do, she loves me and that is a huge comfort.

November 13: I am also grateful for my brothers. Their unique perspective as straight men helps me see how lots of the feelings I have aren't really unique and that everyone feels the same way sometimes.  Their differing approaches to life have also shown me two very different examples of things done wrong and things done right, and if I'm wise, I can pick and choose from each of their experiences the things that I want for my life.

November 14: As if it needed to be said, I'm grateful for cars. That has been the greatest beard in my life, although I'm excited for the day when I'm brave enough to show the world that gay and car-guy are not mutually exclusive terms.

November 15: I'm grateful for the other bloggers out there who write such different perspectives and lead such different, but genuinely good lives. More positive examples of life done right.

November 16: I'm grateful for those of you who have ever sent a supportive e-mail, left a kind comment or shared an enlightening experience with me.  I love hearing from readers and it always leaves me feeling uplifted and encouraged.

November 17: I'm grateful for the (now very young) missionaries who are setting a good example for me. I hope to join them soon (and I'm grateful the maximum age didn't lower with the minimum).

November 18: I'm grateful for the somewhat weird passion for style that being gay may or may not have ingrained me with. I don't dress very well, but there are times when I get it just right and think, "Man, that's really not fair to all the straight men out there."

November 19: I'm grateful for pop music, also a gay stereotype. But really, is there anything better than "Call Me Maybe" or "Party in the USA" when you're just in the mood to rock out to some bubblegum?

November 20: I'm grateful for [specific friend #3]. Even in his borderline homophobia, he loves and accepts me for who I am and asks thoughtful, genuine questions so he can understand me better. Beyond that, he still invites me over for non-serious bro-night video game marathons where we spend 8 hours killing alien zombies. The future is bright, folks.

November 21: I'm grateful for the arts. Dance, music, theatre and art all have a place in my heart. And even though I'm nothing but a prole, they still beautify and uplift my life to something beyond the grey box it might otherwise be.

November 22: I am genuinely grateful for the influence of the Gospel in my life. Through my ups and downs and the crises of faith I experience on a just-slightly-less-than-regular basis, the lessons of the Gospel ring true and I know where I can turn for peace.
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Happy Thanksgiving to y'all. Hope it finds you in good company and with full bellies, even if you're not celebrating today.

Inspired by Single Dad Laughing: "Hundred dollar jeans"

A foreword: this blog is going to start getting more personal. I think I'm gonna start posting more about me without editing details as much. I'm starting to not care who knows what, which might be dangerous and I might regret it later. We'll see, eh?

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I love Single Dad Laughing. It's a blog written by, as you'd assume, a single father. I don't know the circumstances surrounding his status, but he chronicles his life with his son and their dog and it's almost always hilarious (and if homosexuality weren't birth control enough, some of his posts about the disgusting things his son does would be [boogers]).

Anyway, today I was perusing when I stumbled across this gem. He talks about how one day he spent over $500 in a clothing store because he needed to feel confident and good-looking. That blurb makes him sound incredibly shallow, but if you read the post, you'll see he's anything but. He makes a very compelling case for splurging on things you don't need.

Without having read the post beforehand, I did something similar this weekend. Bought something big, just to make myself feel better about my life.

For those of you who don't know, my beloved BMW has bit the dust. Just a few days before I was to move back to Idaho, the clutch fried and then, just a few miles later, the head gasket blew, clogging the fuel injectors. Total bill was well over what the car was worth and I didn't have the cash to keep investing in it. So I sold it for about a tenth what I had in it, not including gas, tires and insurance. Broke my heart.

Having decided that I didn't want any more temperamental European cars, at least until I could better afford to keep them, I started looking for reliable, economical cars like the Honda Civic, Toyota Corolla and Nissan Altima.

For those of you who do know who I am, you know how this broke my heart even more. 

No offense to anyone who drives these cars (unless you drive a Corolla, in which case I've lost a lot of respect for you), they are boring, soulless machines that tell the world that you've given up on ever having fun behind the wheel. They are great modes of transportation, a reliable way to get from A to B. They're as inoffensive and dependable as a white Frigidaire. But when was the last time anyone got excited about a white Frigidaire? 

My car hunt was looking grim. There wasn't anything out there that had that balance between fun and responsibility within my admittedly tiny budget.

Then, one day, I casually made my way over to the motorcycles section of craigslist. I never found anything good there; everything was either in pieces or too expensive or too big or too small for an inexperienced rider like me. But still, I trolled it occasionally, hoping for something to pop up that would be a good fit.

I saw a bike. On first blush, it wasn't what I was looking for. It had a big windshield and was fully faired and kind of ugly. It was a biggish bike, definitely designed for an old man rather than a young, hot stud. It had a vaguely Harley vibe about it, but without the Harley swagger or street cred. And it had a pretty small engine for how big its bodywork was.  But still, the price was right and it looked interesting, and it was in town, which meant I didn't need to pay a roommate or scumbag a ride off a friend to get to it.

I walked to the house, eager for the owner to lift the garage door and show me what could be my future. As he did, I couldn't resist bending down to look at the bike before the door was open. There it stood, leaning over on its kickstand and taking up almost as much space as one of those small Toyotas. It was far too big.

I resigned myself to the fact that I'd wasted my time by walking over to look at it, but still, I asked the man, a sergeant first class in the U.S. Army, if I could take it for a ride. Still dressed in his fatigues, he sized me up, asked if I could handle the bike, and somewhat reluctantly showed me how to start it and ran me through its quirks.

I took it out, completely surprised by how heavy it was given its relatively small engine. It wallowed in corners a bit and it was difficult to get used to. I started towards the freeway, aimed it up the onramp, and punched the throttle. It settled back on the rear wheel and moved forcefully down the road, like a big locomotive. It wasn't fast, but it felt strong.  

Then a gust of wind came and picked up that large windshield and wide fairing and attempted to throw it across the highway, almost taking the bike with it.  Oh no, this bike was not for me. 

Still, against every judgment in my head, I took it over to a mechanic friend to have it inspected. He gave it a thorough once-over, took it out on a ride, and decreed it to be mechanically fit and worth the asking price.  I wasn't convinced.

I rode it back to the owner's house, having already decided to offer him an insultingly low number, a number he'd never accept. I was right. He countered me with a number more to his liking, and in spite of how much I disliked the bike, I found myself fighting him on the price. And then, before I knew it, I was pulling my cash out and handing it to him in exchange for keys and a title.  Almost by surprise, a 1982 Honda GL500 Interstate, sterling silver metallic, was mine.

And again, surprisingly, I found myself completely in love with it after an hour of riding. It was love motivated by sheer possession, to be sure, but it also was more than that. I learned its secrets. How it dislikes being chucked into a corner but will happily follow your lead if you are deliberate and sure in your movements. How it'll hum along the freeway at 65, but it likes 70 better and will cut the breeze more. How to position your hands and feet if it's too hot or too cold to be riding. 

What I loved most about it, though, was that I was mobile again. After three dreary weeks of walking everywhere and confining myself to the mile-wide radius in which I could walk, I had a way to escape again. I still walk to the store and to school and work, just because they're all close enough. But just knowing that I have a bike waiting for me to throw a leg over it and fire it up makes me feel better.

I feel more confident and happier. I like waiting for people to notice the helmet in my hand and ask about my ride. I enjoy giving a cool-guy head nod or the four-finger-extension-wave to every motorcyclist I pass. Even the little things make me feel cool, like using my heel to put the kickstand up with a solid "thunk." I am genuinely grateful that Heavenly Father led me to this bike and that it was affordable enough.

If a few hundred dollars can make all that happen, I'd say it's money well spent.

Some Random Things I'm Grateful For

I went to an Evergreen International meeting a few weeks ago. I've been going maybe once or twice a month for about four months now and I'm not crazy about the dynamic of the group. It's nice having that solidarity that comes with meeting with other people in the situation, but occasionally, the group can get a little caustic and antagonistic towards the struggle. It sometimes becomes a place to complain, which is fine, everyone needs that outlet, but I am trying to be more optimistic and the meetings sometimes get in the way of that.

That being said, I understand why lots of these men have reason to complain, reasons that I never had, and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm the youngest in the support group by far. The next youngest is about 10 years my senior, and the average age is probably about double my own.  Most of these men grew up in a completely different time than I did. I told a bit of my story at my second meeting and when I said that I'd come to terms with my homosexuality (they prefer "same-gender attraction") at age 16 or 17, most of the guys there were shocked. Many of them had lived in denial of their attractions until just a few years ago, even discounting sexual encounters with other men as childish larks for years. They lived these terrible, conflicting double lives until their worlds came crashing in as they somehow realized a part of them that they didn't know (or had denied) existed.

They lived in times when the Church advocated electroshock and extreme reorientation therapy for out gay men, times when the general populace of the Church (and indeed the world) was far less accepting of the attraction, much less the sin. They had to stifle these feelings because of a crippling fear of rejection, fear that I understand and experience, but to a vastly lesser magnitude. Some of them still suffer from this shame, refusing to disclose their attractions to spouses, church leaders, and others in their lives who might be able to help them succeed.

I understood who I was when I was 16. I have as many as 40 more years of self-awareness ahead of me than some of these men did. I was able to compartmentalize some of that guilt and fear and become as public as I am today (which, admittedly, is not very public).  I was able to come to grips with everything during some of my most formative years, a time when I was able to put this whole struggle in a realistic, but hopeful context of what I am to become. Unlike me, these men had 40 or 50 years of stifled repression bubble up and tear their worlds apart. I won't have to face that.

In that respect, I am so grateful to have been born in this more wicked, more accepting, more liberal generation. There is far less shame attached to sin than there has been, possibly ever in history. Sin is acceptable in the eyes of the world, but even within the strictures of the Church, it's still seen as something to work on, rather than something to lose hope in. We as a Mormon culture are realizing more and more that sin and weakness are universal. We've neutered and de-shamed much of what we struggle with and we have become a better people for it. We needn't suffer in silence or solitude anymore.

And even in my anonymity, I have an outlet! Through my blog, I have a wide network of different viewpoints I can investigate and refine and I have a place where I can distill those thoughts into something that I can understand and use, all within the safe and sheltered confines of my computer desk.  This technology thing, while certainly a thorn in my side sometimes, has been a great boon to me as well.

I grew up in a completely different world than any of my new friends and for that, I am incredibly grateful. I have an outlet for my feelings and even amid all my concerns about bigotedness and unkindness within the Church, at least I have more than a few well-informed, well-intentioned people championing me in the struggle.

If you need someone cheering in your corner, e-mail me. gay mormon pioneer at gmail dot com

Thanksgiving!

I love all holidays.  I like wearing green in March, I enjoy eating May Day cookies, the Provo 4th of July parade is the best, I love the Easter hymns and Christmas carols, I even like learning about Abraham Lincoln and George Washington on President's Day.  I am a holiday kind of guy.

And so it is with joy, anticipation, and gratitude that I welcome and commemorate Thanksgiving 2011 with a blog post.

Contrary to how I make it sound, I live an amazing life.  It has its ups and downs, but through it all, I have been blessed. Every tear shed was counted by a loving Heavenly Father who has sent His angels to be with me, both when I asked for them and when I've turned away.  I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

I am so grateful for a family who loves, supports, identifies with, and prays for me.  I have two amazing brothers that never let me forget to have fun and eat dessert first, and yet show incredible maturity and compassion when the situation calls for it.  I have a fun and loving older sister who is willing to listen to me vent, but also excitedly calls me whenever one of my adorable nieces or nephews does something cute.  I have three siblings-in-law who each have added a unique and invariably positive dynamic to the clan.  I have a father who has taught me frugality, service to others, and how to camp, throw a baseball, and replace a car's brakes.  And I have a mother who wakes up before me every morning to make sure I leave the house with a full lunchbox and a hot breakfast.  I have grandparents who have filled my life with treasured memories and who have encoded my gene pool with any number of characteristics that are mine if I choose to live up to them.  I have aunts, uncles, and cousins who show me by example how a person can succeed in spite of just about any circumstance, and be happier for it.

I have similarly been blessed with friends who lighten my load, whether it be by sharing a joke, playing music with me, offering a listening ear, or inviting me to the night's adventures.  There are also countless spiritual leaders and teachers who have offered a wealth of advice, insight, and empathy, no matter where I stand spiritually. And I'm blessed with professors, bosses, and study partners who provide training and education for a bright future.

I have a great car, a decent snowboard, and all the toys a guy could ever want.  I live in the electronic age, when uplifting messages, practical information, and social interaction are just a mouseclick away. I have a job, more money than I need, and a good start to an education.  I have talents and skills that have aided me and provided me with praise and a good self-image, while still encouraging me to constantly improve and refine them.  I am incredibly blessed.

And yet, even if I had none of those things, I suspect it wouldn't matter much, because I have been given something that has been given to everyone, regardless of their other blessings.  The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ suffered in the Garden and died on the Cross, and then rose again from the Tomb, for me.  He intimately knows me and is with me every step of the way.  He stretches out His scarred hand when I fail and begs me to return when I turn away.  He takes me under His shoulder when I am weak. And he rejoices and celebrates in my happiness.

He offers you and me His grace every day, grace that we can use to pick ourselves up when we fail, comfort our souls when we despair, and continually move forward in a path that will bring us the utmost happiness and joy.  He has offered us all He has and if we truly show gratitude for this gift, He will not let us down.

I bear unequivocal testimony, with every ounce of strength I have, that Jesus is our Lord and Savior. I will go to my grave telling of His love. No matter what happens, no matter what changes, Jesus Christ suffered, died, and rose again for all of His brothers and sisters.  He loves us and will always be there, stretching out a scarred hand towards us.  He will never fail us.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Here's to your health, happiness, and bounty for one more year!