Walking down the aisle...

Today was a very special day.  Two of my best friends got married in the temple today. Their path to marriage was hard-fought and required a lot of faith for both parties that the decision they made was the right one. As they faced each hardship in their relationship head on, they occasionally expressed doubts about their viability as a couple, but by putting complete trust in each other and in the plan laid out for them, they found themselves grow closer to each other and to God.

At their reception tonight, they positively glowed. As I wrapped him in my arms, he told me how happy he was and how at peace he was with his decision to marry her.  And then I kissed her cheek as she pulled me close for a hug, visibly overwhelmed with joy. If they continue to trust in each other and treat each other with the respect they do right now, they will be just fine and all of those doubts they may have had in past years will melt away.

They had a short ring ceremony before their reception and as she walked down the grand staircase towards her new husband, I swelled with joy at their happiness. They are both so beautiful, truly some of the kindest people I've ever been friends with. Seeing their joy become a bit more full in those sacred covenants they made filled me with all kinds of warm fuzzies.

Last night, I was discussing marriage with a friend. I somewhat cavalierly said that if I wasn't gay, there'd be every chance that I'd be married right now. I have been in love with love since I was 9 years old on the playground and as a young teenager I thought about my wedding and the flowers and colors and location and music way more than might be normal for boys. Ever since I was a tot, my primary goal out of life was to follow the advice of Ahbez via David Bowie and learn how to love and be loved in return.

And yet, seeing my two friends seal the deal stirred up no feelings of jealousy or bitterness towards them. They are ready for marriage. They have done the necessary preparations and have put in the time towards not only finding the one, but also towards making themselves someone else's the one. Their marriage is built on something solid, not only interest in each other, but in themselves as well.

If I got married tomorrow, I am not being self deprecating when I say that my marriage would be built on a cracked foundation of inadequacy and selfishness. And it's not a matter of religious repression either. Whether gay or straight, the marriage would probably be doomed to fail.

So, instead of feeling bitter and lonely that I'm still single, instead I'm going to try to work towards being the husband I want to be. I'm nowhere near ready to be married yet, but, as the penitent sinner hears so frequently, it's not where you are on the path so much as the direction in which you travel.

I'm excited to be married someday, whenever it happens and whatever form it takes. In the meantime, I know that there's a lot I can do to prepare myself to be the one to someone else.

Some Random Thoughts on Marriage

I've long ago come to grips with the fact that I might have to face the rest of my mortal life alone and while that royally sucks, it doesn't feel completely impossible.  Ty Mansfield quotes a fellow gay Mormon thus:

...when I finally decided to give my life to the Lord, I accepted in my heart that I would probably never marry, and I was okay with that.  I also know, however, that if I was obedient to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, I would have that chance at some time.  I just figured that for the time being I would focus on being a good uncle and brother and son.  I would take care of my parents when they got old.  I would be that quirky single guy in the family ward that everyone knew but just did not know much about.  That was me, and that was fine.  Then along came the woman who was to become my wife. (In Quiet Desperation, 211)

For this man, marriage became a possibility, but even before it was, he had submitted his life to the will of the Lord and was okay with it.  It's said often that happy marriages happen when happy single people come together, i.e., if you're miserable single, you're still going to be miserable married.  That goes for both heterosexuals and homosexuals, I think.  The trick to preparing for marriage, then, is finding happiness in whatever state you find yourself (even Wyoming wordplay lulz). 

 

Most recently for me, I've seen happiness come from cultivating friendships and building relationships of trust with others.  It has also come by keeping busy with things I love, including fixing cars, playing outside, and reading and writing.  I'm not going to be so unrealistic as to say that those things I do have replaced my desire for a boyfriend or wish to be attracted to girls, but they go a long way towards validating me as a person, if only to myself. 

I remember at one point, when I was in Texas for work, I worked a full 50 hours, but only for four days each week.  The days I had off were lonely and boring; most of my coworkers and roommates and I had different schedules, so I never really had company.  I hated the solitude.  It took a month of lonely misery for me to realize that I could spend those lonely days to do something for me, something that I wanted to do on my own.  

 

I went to movies that I knew no one else would want to see (see Easy A, avoid Charlie St. Cloud).  I went to the zoo.  I saw three IMAX documentaries in one day.  I tried new restaurants and ate all kinds of new and interesting food.  I wandered around IKEA and the mall, making wish lists of stuff I'd buy when I had the money.  I tried on a pair of $800 jeans (and I looked gooooooood).  I wandered around dealerships and tested tons of cars I'd always wanted to drive.  I even made a picnic for myself one day and went to the airport to watch airplanes take off and land.  I spent my days alone doing exactly what I wanted to do and having fun alone, so that I then could enjoy doing what everyone else wanted when they got home.

I think that preparing for marriage is the same; we're in this lonely position to fall in love with and learn about ourselves, so that when/if we're put in a position to fall for another person, we can do that without bitterness for having to sacrifice some of our wants for theirs.  And of course, we aspire to the ideal that someday, we'll find a person who is excited to go try Cuban food, see Charlie St. Cloud, and test drive Mustang convertibles with us.

I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me.  I wonder if it'll bring quiet mortal solitude, or a life full of good friends, or if I'll marry a girl, or if I'll live a gay lifestyle and somehow be okay with it.  I really don't know.  More often than not, that uncertainty fills me with worry and doubt about my future.  But even though I feel that way sometimes, I still know how to love and take care of myself, and that's the most essential foundation for any of those outcomes.