Happy New Beginning- Ryan and Rachel

He is here!

Ryan and Rachel have finally and officially adopted Noah Atticus.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am for their little family and how now it's just a little bit more complete.

One thing that I was kinda thinking when I read about little Noah's homecoming was that how lucky this little boy is to have such loving people in his life as Ryan, Rachel, and his birth-mom, Katie.  Ryan and Rachel will make excellent parents, and Katie showed tremendous courage by giving Noah a chance at life, carrying him to term, undergoing a painful and epidural-free delivery, and then giving his future to a couple better equipped to care for him.  Noah is a lucky boy to come into the world under such circumstances.

One thought that's been marinating for a little while is the tidiness and completeness of God's plan. I have no idea of Katie's circumstances, but I have a feeling that Noah may not have been an expected or planned pregnancy; even so, Katie and Noah were prepared in the Lord's timing and way to give Rachel and Ryan the gift of parenthood.  And Rachel, through her painful and disappointing miscarriages and failed adoption attempts, was prepared and put off so that she could become Noah's mother. The pain that both families endured was to fulfill a purpose.  I've mentioned before that I have a hard time glorying in trials, but in Rachel, Ryan, Katie, and Noah's story is a practical application of just why we have to undergo pain and alter our plans for a higher purpose.

And the other rumination I've been enjoying is that God truly loveth His children.  He loved Katie enough to find her Ryan and Rachel, He loved Rachel enough to give her the determination to keep looking, and He loved Noah enough to give him a family and set of life circumstances that will inspire him to be his greatest self.

Speaking of, Noah, just so you know, To Kill a Mockingbird is my favorite book.  You are going to have to fill some pretty big shoes with a namesake like Atticus Finch, but I have no doubt you'll be able to exceed all expectations with parents like Ryan and Rachel and a birth mom like Katie to encourage and remind you to be your best.

Outed!

Well, I should have known this would happen.  Last night, my friend Amber texted me, asking me to have dinner with her.  She's the same Amber from the blog I linked to a few weeks ago.  In that post, I tried to be as ambiguous as possible with personal details, knowing that she would maybe notice the referring URL and look at my post to see who was linking to her.  What I didn't realize was that she would also probably read the rest of my blog, which apparently is peppered with details about me that someone who knows me well might be able to infer.

In any case, she invited me to dinner with her.  I figured it would be me and her husband, as the three of us are good friends (not casual acquaintances as I said a few weeks ago), but when she told me that Lucas wouldn't be joining us, I got a little bit nervous.  I texted him, joking about how I was taking his wife on a date and he laughed it off, warning me that I best have her home by midnight since it was a school night.  Still, my mind was racing about what she could possibly want to say to me during dinner.  I thought that maybe she just wanted to catch up, two old friends.  I wondered if she was going to try to set me up with one of her single friends.  And I also thought that maybe she was going to ask if I was gay.

We got to the restaurant and got ourselves seated.  She wasn't wearing her ring, a peculiarity I pointed out with a mock suspicious eye.  She laughed and our hostess must have thought we were crazy!  A handsome single man with a pretty married woman who just "happened" to forget to wear her wedding ring!  Well, after we exchanged a little small talk and conversed about school, Lucas, church, her family, etc., she asked me, point blank, "Are you GMP?"

I knew she knew, but still, I said, "Am I what?" as if that would throw her off the scent a little.  She repeated her question with a casual eye that said, "C'mon, dude.  Give it up."  I smiled through the shock and said, "Yep.  I am."

She told me that she had no intention of ever finding out who GMP was.  She just said that as she read, she was hit with smatterings of the familiar.  Stories I shared that had details that she thought she recognized.  Little personal details (and one huge oversight on my part) that all added up to my identity.  She apologized profusely, but said that she wasn't sorry she found out who I am, because she felt like it would open an avenue of conversation that I'm missing where I currently live.  I began to question her about how she found out and what she meant by not being sorry and she started to tell me, but decided she should just let a letter she wrote do the talking.

She pulled three sheets of paper from her purse and handed them to me, saying that if she tried to tell me out loud she might start crying.  I began reading.

She started out by apologizing again for finding out.  She said she knew that the point of this blog wasn't to out me and that she felt bad that she knew, but also wanted to be a support to me now that she understood a little more about me.  She said she was grateful for her knowledge because it increased her faith that a person like me could still be so strong (not sure if I believe that).  She likened my struggle with homosexuality with Lucas' and her trial with losing their daughter Molly.  "It sounded like, in many of your posts, like you are awaiting the Second Coming with as much hope as I am," she said.  "For you it's probably for understanding, possibly relief, answers, and an ability to know how all this will bring you the joy the Lord has promised.  For me, it is the ability to be with my daughter again."  She then finished her letter by expressing that she and Lucas don't care that I happen to be gay; they still are my friends and this part of me doesn't affect that.  She invited me about a hundred times to come over for dinner sometime and said that their house is a great place to just hang out and be myself whenever I want, and then she closed her letter.

After I finished reading, we started talking about Molly and what a trial of faith it was for Amber and Lucas.  I asked her how she and Lucas kept from asking why it had to be that way, like I often do with regard to my homosexuality.  She told me simply that the Spirit when she held Molly was too strong for her to see Molly's short life as anything but a blessing.  She expressed that she was too grateful for the few hours that she had with Molly to be bitter about the hours that she may have lost in this life.  And she also said that having Molly for those few hours changed her perspective such that she knew that after Christ comes again she'd be able to raise Molly and be with her for eternity.  She said that she never makes a choice without first thinking of Molly and how that choice will affect her as an eternal mother.

Can you tell how floored I am by this girl's faith? I feel like I'm so far from being there with my own.  But that's what progress is, I guess.  Taking something you suck at and getting better.

After that, she posed a few questions to me.  I'll answer them here as well.

She asked me about Toby, not to learn his real identity, but just the nature of our relationship, etc.  I told her how we met through mutual friends and then became friends ourselves.  Then I told her about how we both told each other that we were gay; he was really upset one night and confided in me about his struggles.  I told him about me because I figured we could help each other up, before I realized that he had no intention of changing his actions, at least for the time being.  I told Amber about how I got attached to him through our conversations, and then our conversations turned into cuddle sessions, which culminated in one amazing makeout, which I'm slightly proud of because I initiated it.  I, the milquetoast and timid GMP, initiated a makeout.

To this day I have a hard time feeling sorry I kissed him. Even though it made me more attached to him and made him more aggressive and forward towards me, I did something I never thought I'd have the courage to do.  It felt really good to have a mutual and reciprocated attraction, even if it was mostly physical on his end.  But finally, I realized that he was never going to satisfy that emotional need I had and I started limiting my exposure to him.  She asked about our future; I told her that until he is ready to respect me and my feelings, I will never pursue anything "gay" with him, and conversely, until we're ready to repent and be better, I will never pursue a supportive friendship with him.  Our relationship was a one-way street and I don't care to relive that, even though sometimes I still feel pretty hung up on him.

She then asked a little bit about my future and what I saw for myself.  I told her that I hoped for one of a few things.  One, I hoped that eventually I'd have enough faith in Jesus Christ to live a purposeful and fulfilling life, even if I didn't have a wife or whatever.  Two, I hoped that something would hit me in the head and tell me that in spite of my testimony of the LDS church and Jesus' Gospel, the Church was wrong and I could feel comfortable living a gay lifestyle.  Three, I hoped that somehow homosexuality and the Church could find a reconciliation and I could live as an active, openly gay LDS man.  Obviously, those are wild and fantastic conjectures, and the latter two I'm positive will never happen.

She then told me something that kind of surprised me.  She said that someday, she hopes that I'll be able to be more open to people in the Church.  I know she wasn't talking about acting on my gay tendencies, but instead she was talking about how she hopes that latent homosexuality and same-gender attraction will someday cease to label people like me as sinners, as it sometimes happens now.  In her letter she wrote, "Today, as I walked around campus I imagined that people could be loving enough to know what you struggle with and not judge.  I wish you could be open and honest about it and people would understand that it is who you are but that doesn't make you any less righteous or Christ-like."  What a kind and probably-too-generous sentiment to make.  But it echoed my feelings well.

It's why I started this blog.  I didn't start writing for other gay people; I started writing because I felt like I should try and make people more aware that those of us who are Mormon and gay are just as capable of trying to live Christlike lives as anyone else.  My actions right now are far from Christlike, but I'm "try[ing] a little harder to be a little better," just like all of us.

Amber offered many, many words of encouragement to me, including these:  "I know that it is not a punishment.  It is the Lord's way of saying, 'I trust you.  You are strong.  Show me what you're made of.'"  I fully admit that I have a hard time believing that right now, but I also know that I want to believe. My faith in His plan is smaller than it should be, but I want it to grow and every day, in spite of my mistakes and setbacks, I try to make the choices that will help me become more Christlike.  One last thought:  Amber told me that the days I make mistakes do not negate the days I choose Christ over my physical desires.  Obviously, I can't enter into the kingdom of God being unclean, but even so, she said that Jesus counts the days I make good choices, too.  Again, I want to believe that, and I'm trying to live in such a way that someday, maybe I will believe that.

While I will now be going through my posts and editing out personal information, I'm glad she outed me a little bit.  It felt so good to be real with another person, a person I know won't judge me and a person who, unlike Toby, will try and bring me up.

Especially since, through the letter and the tears and the deep conversation and the missing wedding ring, people around us probably thought she was breaking off an affair, haha.

Inspiring People II - Amber and Lucas

Amber and Lucas are another amazing married couple that I know through one of my friends.  I met Amber a few years ago in another state and I met her husband later and have hung out with them on a few occasions.  They are a delightful happy couple who always find joy, even in mundanity and in pain.   They are, both on the surface and inside, utterly happy with their lives.  This blog post has made me guffaw out loud every time I read it, including when I'm distracted in math class (Sorry, Sister B____).

Read this if you have a few extra minutes, then come back.  It's the bittersweet story of their daughter Molly.  I'll let the events speak for themselves, but just say that their confidence and faith is inspiring in the sweetest and most poignant way.

(By the way, I promise I don't mean to be inspired by parents in difficult situations.  It's people who maintain faith in the crucible of pain that I'm inspired by)

I'm just going to reflect a little on my feelings as I read Molly's story the first time.  I was living with my brother and his wife at the time.  His wife met Amber once upon a time and had maintained casual contact, and she mentioned that one of her acquaintances had been going through a rough time.  I started reading and crying a little bit and suddenly realized, "I know this girl too!"  Suddenly, this picture of a family on the page had more meaning and the story came more intensely.  Even now, I can feel the emotions welling up a little bit inside me.

I devoured the story, tears running down my face, as my brother, sister-in-law, and I read page after page of inspiring, sobering, humbling, and gratitude-inducing events in Amber and Lucas' life.  Gratitude for the knowledge that we have about forever families, gratitude that Amber and Lucas had that same knowledge to bear them up as well, gratitude that the members of my family have their health and have been blessed to know each other in mortality, and gratitude that no matter what our mortal family's status, our eternal family can have increase and progression forever.

One of my favorite things about Amber and Lucas is that they insist (and rightfully so) that Molly is still a part of their family and that they are still parents even in her absence.  They know that mortality is not a limiting factor to an eternal family.

I still I have about a million questions, but watching a family go through hell, but with that heavenly perspective, inspires me to follow suit.  I wonder often about the course of my life, but I hope it includes such a view of the world as Amber and Lucas have.

Inspiring People I - Ryan and Rachel

FYI on Rach and Ry is a blog written by a friend of a friend, whom I've met a few times in passing.  The blog is written mostly by Rachel as she chronicles her and Ryan's marriage.  My favorite topics are the ones about their pursuit of a forever family.  The details are on the blog and I don't feel like I should share them on mine, but they have had a wonderful, terrifying, inspiring time navigating the world of fertility and adoption.

I found the blog when a mutual friend posted a link to a post written after a few months of particularly trying experiences.  I started reading their blog late at night after I finished homework and would find myself sobbing in commiseration for their sorrow.  A quote that hits me hard every time I read it, as she talks about breaking bad news to their friends:

I didn't want to hear [my friends] say what everyone says , "It will all work out," or "Just have faith--it's all in the Lord's hands," or "It will happen when it's supposed to."  As true as those words may be, they aren't helpful.  Those words trivialize the pain that I am feeling now, in this moment.  Those words make me feel so alone.

I feel the same way sometimes.  I don't want to tell my parents or my siblings about having same gender attraction because I don't want to hear them say that it's all part of God's plan for me.  True or not, God's plan still really hurts sometimes.

Luckily for Rachel and Ryan (and for me), they had understanding friends who expressed their sorrow and shared in their grief with phrases of affirmation like, "This isn't fair," "We're sorry," and "We love you."  

That next day, Rachel posted this.  It neatly follows up the sadness of the day before with the perspective that only a day's time and a mature heart can bring.  She quotes Psalm 30:5 in the title:  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."  What a touching, simple, and inspiring thought.  

Their story has a happy continuation, as they are now adopting a healthy baby boy, due in a few short months.  I look forward to seeing their lives unfold together and can't wait to see their family grow and thrive.  Rachel and Ryan's optimism through what must be one of the hardest trials for a family to go through inspires me to find more joy in my life.

Rachel and Ryan link My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee on their blog.  Have a listen.